Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
In the summer of 1963, Laverne and Shirley got word that there would be a new tenant moving into their building at 730 Knapp Street...the question was...who?
Scene 1
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Day
Laverne sat her milk and Pepsi on the kitchen counter and looked at the apartment. There were piles of "True Confession" magazines lying on the coffee table and more dust to create a whole other person. Shirley opened the door and sat the mail next to the phone.
Shirley: I thought maybe when I went to get the mail, all this would just suddenly go away.
Laverne walked over to the coffee table, picked up the stack of "True Confessions" magazines, and placed them in the closet.
Shirley: What' s that going to do, Laverne?
Laverne: What? It's not on the table anymore.
Shirley: Laverne, by putting the magazines in the closet, it's going to take up space. We don't have that much closet room to begin with.
Laverne: I can always put them under my bed.
Shirley: Why don't you get rid of them. Throw them away.
Laverne: They have some really good articles in them.
Shirley: Oh, I see. The smutty articles, huh? Like the one about Roxy LaToure?
Laverne: Well, yeah.
Shirley: Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?
Laverne: (grinning) Yeah.
Shirley: You can't seem to throw away anything. You are such a packrat.
Laverne: A what?
Shirley: A packrat. You have to save everything.
There was a knock at the door and Laverne answered. Mrs. Babish told them that the new tenant had just arrived and was going to move in the apartment across from theirs.
Laverne: I hope it's a cute guy.
Shirley: Wow, that apartment has been vacant for a long time.
Laverne: Yeah, well, he might look like Cary Grant or Troy Donahue. I hope he's single. Hey, let's see if he's outside. We can look through the window and out onto the street.
Laverne rushed to the window and Shirley quickly followed. The door had been left open and the tenant had let themselves in.
Shirley: Do you see anything, Laverne?
Laverne: No...Wait, there's a cute guy. Oh boy, he's a beefcake.
Shirley: (high pitched squeal) Oooooh, yes, he is. He looks just like Fabian.
Rosie Greenbaum: I see those Scooter Pies finally caught up with you.
Laverne's mouth was agape as she turned around and saw her worst nightmare, besides Squiggy, standing in her living room.
Laverne: What are you doing here?
Rosie: Haven't you heard, DeFazio? I live here now.
Laverne: No, you're not.
Rosie: Yeah, I'm movin' into apartment B. It looks like we're neighbors now.
Laverne: (laughs) Oh, I get it. You're getting back at me for locking you and Squiggy in the closet at one of your parties that him and Lenny crashed.
Rosie: No, that's all water under the bridge.
Shirley: Why are you moving in this building? You have a home.
Rosie: Yeah, well, that's the reason. I had a home.
Shirley: Had? What happened? I'm confused.
Rosie: A few weeks ago, Ogdon handed me some divorce papers and that entitled me to nothing in the divorce settlement. I married money and I never signed an agreement, so I have to...work.
Shirley: I'm sure you can find a job. There could be an opening at the brewery.
Laverne kicked Shirley in the leg.
Laverne: Or at your old job.
Rosie: Yeah, I guess I better get settled in. See you later, DeFazio.
Rosie left.
Laverne: Oooh, I can't stand her. Did you see how she tried to buddy up to us? I bet she wants something.
Shirley: What, Laverne? She's just had a divorce. She probably wants a friend right now.
Laverne: She's not my friend.
Shirley: Laverne, how can you be so mean?
Laverne: Mean? Wasn't it Big Rosie who made a fool of us at Eleanor's bridal shower? And wasn't it Big Rosie who flashed those Fabian tickets in your face when you didn't have any?
Shirley: Yeah, we should remember to do unto others as we would want them to do unto ourselves.
Laverne: You always have a bright side to everything, don't you?
A familiar knock proceeded at the door. Laverne, who was closest to the door, answered it.
Carmine: Hey, girls.
Laverne: Hey, Carmine.
Carmine: Do you have the Gene Kelly record I loaned you?
Laverne: Yeah, it's in the bedroom.
Laverne went into the bedroom to get it. Carmine moved closer to Shirley.
Carmine: Why is the record in your bedroom?
Shirley: Laverne's been sleeping with it.
Carmine: Oh.
Laverne came back out and handed him the smudged cover.
Laverne: Sorry about the red mark. I'm sure it will come off.
Carmine: (half smile) It's okay. At least I didn't loan you my autographed one.
Laverne: (almost drooling) You have an autographed one?
Carmine: I better go. (stops in front of the door) Hey, I heard Rosie moved in across from you girls.
Laverne: Yeah, well, she'll wish she hadn't.
Shirley: Goodbye, Carmine.
Carmine exited the apartment.
Scene 2
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Late Afternoon
Shirley was cleaning up the apartment and Laverne went through the bible for any money they may have missed from their last search.
Shirley: (picks up an orange peel that had rottened under the couch) This is disgusting.
There was a hesitation at the door, like someone was going to barge in.
Rosie: (O.S.) Oh, it's you. What are you doing near my door.
Squiggy: Well, we were...
Rosie: Go away before I decide to really run you over with my car.
Squiggy: Sure, whatever ya say, Your Big Rosie-ness.
They heard the door to Rosie's apartment close.
Shirley: Did you hear that?
Laverne: Yeah, it just goes to show ya that Big Rosie is a good watch dog. She'd scare anybody away.
Shirley: (laughs) Yeah, I guess she would. (brief pause) Laverne, I hope that there won't be a cat fight everytime you see her.
Laverne: She always provokes it.
Shirley: I know, but try to control yourself. After all, she is our neighbor.
There was a knock at the door and Shirley answered it.
Rosie: Hey there, Shirley. I came over here to let you know that I have a job now.
Shirley: You do? Where?
Rosie: I'm going to be an executive assistant.
Shirley: Wow, an executive.
Rosie: I start on Monday.
Shirley: Great.
Rosie: I just thought I'd stop by on my way to The Chéz Pheister to tell you.
Laverne: The Chéz Pheister, huh? Are you still doing some escorting on the side?
Rosie: No, Big Rosie has class.
Laverne: Do you know where you can stick your class...
Shirley: Laverne...
Rosie: Hey DeFazio, have I ever told you how much I've liked that shirt you're wearin'? I mean, it's been my favorite for so many years.
Laverne was about to lunge at her, but Shirley stopped her.
Rosie: I better be going. Big Rosie can't breathe dust all day. See you later, Shirl...DeFazio.
Rosie left.
Laverne: (tightening her fists) Oooh, I hate her!
Shirley: Don't say that, Laverne.
Laverne: I wish she'd slip on a banana peel and fall down the steps.
Shirley: I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. I think I'm going to go down to the Pizza Bowl.
Laverne: I just hope that Rosie won't be there.
Shirley: She's going to the Chéz Pheister.
Laverne: Well, I wouldn't put it past her to make a few things up just to get my goat.
Shirley: Come on, Laverne.
They grabbed their purses and were out the door.
Scene 3
INT. Shotz Brewery - Day
The whistle blew and Laverne and Shirley left the bottle capping department. They headed for the Break Room.
INT. Break Room - Day
Laverne and Shirley sat down at one of the tables and took out their lunch. Lenny and Squiggy walked in the room with goggles on.
Lenny: Hey, girls.
Squiggy: Mind if we join ya?
Laverne: Why not, I don't think this day could get any worse.
The loud speaker came on and Mr. Shotz voice echoed through the room.
Mr. Shotz: Attention, all workers, I have a few announcements to make today on some changes that are happening at the brewery. As some of you have heard, I have a new assistant and she is full of great ideas on how to shape things up around here. For the bottle capping line, there will be a deduction of workers needed due to unexplainable differences...
Laverne: What?
Mr. Shotz: ...and here's my assistant to tell you more.
Laverne cringed when she heard the voice of the assistant from the little box that was on the wall above Mr. Shotz picture.
Rosie: Hey, you workers out there. Listen up. I have made a few changes in this brewery. Number one, any bottle capper with their initials on their Shotz Brewery clothes will be ripped off...by me.
Laverne growled.
Rosie: Rule number two, for the next Shotz Talent Show and all the others that follow, I will decide who be in it and who will not be in it. Rule three, any harsh words spoken about or to me will be taken care of immediately. I'll put it to you mildly. You'll be fired. So, I hope you will obey these rules and get back to work.
Mr. Shotz: That was Rosie Greenbaum, the new executive assistant of the bottle capping line, of our Shotz Brewey family. Have a good lunch and get back to work.
The speaker went off and Laverne and Shirley continued eating. Lenny and Squiggy were having ketchup and mustard races on the wall.
Laverne: I can't believe Rosie gettin' a job here. How did she become an executive assistant? I bet that dinner she had last night at the Chéz Pheister was with Mr. Shotz. She is such a bimbo.
Shirley: Laverne, you better watch what you say around here. Rosie may have extra ears.
Laverne: Nah, you've been watching too many of those spy movies.
Laverne and Shirley threw away their wrappers and left the room. As they were exiting a pretty young woman came into the break room. She had long light brown hair that touched the middle of her back. She wore a red flower print dress and sat at the table where Laverne and Shirley had last sat. Lenny turned back and noticed her. Squiggy: Hey Lenny, watch that mustard go.
Squiggy turned to him and then realized that he was staring at a beautiful girl who was neither Laverne or Shirley. Squiggy: Uh, Len, pinch me.
Lenny pinched him.
Squiggy: Ouch! Have you stopped biting your nails?
Lenny and Squiggy spent the rest of their lunch break taking in her lavish beauty.
Scene 4
INT. Pizza Bowl - Night
Laverne and Shirley shared a pizza while Lenny and Squiggy played games.
Laverne: I can't believe Big Rosie made up all those rules. I'd like to rip that red hair right out of her head.
Shirley: I agree that Rosie is being unreasonable and unfair to us workers.
Laverne: She's doing it to me, Shirl. She hates me as much as I hate her and that's an awful lot of hating.
Shirley: Laverne, she doesn't hate you.
Laverne: Did you hear the first rule, Shirl? That rule was for me. She can't take away my "L."
Shirley: Do you want to get fired, Laverne?
Laverne: No, but it's better than having to bow down to Rosie for the rest of my life.
The brunette beauty, from the brewery, entered the Pizza Bowl and sat down. Lenny and Squiggy's attention veered away from the game they were playing and onto the attractive woman.
Squiggy: There she is again.
Lenny: Va-Va-Va-Voom!
She picked up a menu and began reading it. Lenny and Squiggy shuffled around to the next table near her. The rustling to their chairs caused her to look up from her menu and direct her attention to the drooling duo. Squiggy: She's looking at us, Len Lenny: Probably because you have sauce on your nose.
Squiggy wiped his nose and moved his chair closer to her table. She continued to read her menu. Squiggy's chair squeaked on the floor and she looked up once more. He scooted himself to her table and stared at her even more. Squiggy: Hell-o! I haven't seen you around here before.
She hid her head behind her menu.
Squiggy: My name's Squiggy. What name matches that beautiful body of yours?
Laverne noticed that Squiggy was bothering yet another poor defenseless beauty. So she got up from her chair and walked to her table where Squiggy was about to lick the table cloth.
Laverne: Hey Squiggy, move to your own table. Leave the costumers alone.
Squiggy: All right, but don't expect a thank you.
Squiggy left the table.
Laverne: I'm sorry about him.
Petula: (British accent) It's all right.
Laverne: Hey, where are you from?
Petula: I'm from Jamaica West Indies, but I was born in England.
Laverne: I love your accent. Do you know The Beatles...of course, you don't. What was I thinkin'?
Petula: Actually, I once saw Paul McCartney walking down the streets of Liverpool.
Laverne: He is so cute.
Petula: Do you work here?
Laverne: Well, not today, but, yeah. My Pop owns this place.
Petula: (smiles) Well, I'd like a nice cup of tea, please.
Laverne: Sure.
Laverne went into the kitchen to see if they had tea bags lying anywhere. She motioned for Shirley to follow her back there.
Shirley: (in the kitchen area) What is it, Laverne?
Laverne: I need you to go down the street and buy a few tea bags.
Shirley: Why?
Laverne: Just do it. I'll explain later.
Shirley was rushed out the back door. Just then, Rosie Greenbaum entered the Pizza Bowl and sat in the front and center table.
Rosie: Where's a girl to get some service around here, huh?
Laverne looked out into the restuarant and saw that no one was waiting on the tables.
Laverne: Where's Pop?
Rosie: (O.S.) Hey, there are starving people out here!
Squiggy: (O.S.) Yeah!
Laverne: Shirley, hurry up.
Shirley came back and Laverne prepared the cup of tea. She took it out to Petula's table.
Laverne: (placing to the cup of tea in front of her) Here you are. Can I get anything else for you?
Rosie: Yeah! You can get me something to eat!
Petula: Everything's perfectly all right.
Laverne walked over to Rosie's table.
Laverne: Are you, uh, thristy, Greenbaum?
Rosie: Yeah, but I didn't know this place hired bimbos.
Laverne: Bimbos, huh?
Laverne grabbed the beer Lenny was about to chug and poured it in Big Rosie's lap.
Rosie: (getting up) That was really funny, DeFazio. You know, I've seen how much you make at that brewery and it will take you forever to pay for this dress.
Laverne: Why don't you just go to another garage sale and buy another one?
Rosie: Or I could kick your face in.
Laverne: Not if I do it first.
Laverne and Rosie circled each other. Laverne began rolling up her sleeves. Shirley came from the back kitchen.
Shirley: (patting her dress with her hand; seeing Rosie and Laverne) Wait a minute! Stop!
Shirley got in between the two vengeful women.
Shirley: This is your father's restaurant. Take it outside.
Laverne: (to Rosie) I'm going to turn you into oatmeal.
Rosie: Oh yeah? We'll just see about that.
Big Rosie and Laverne went outside to battle things out.
Scene 5
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Night
Laverne and Shirley came through the door and turned on the lights. Laverne had some dirt on her and her "L" still remained intact.
Laverne: That was some fight, huh?
Shirley: Yeah, I guess. Laverne...
Laverne: What.
Shirley: This has to stop.
Laverne: Huh?
Shirley: All this fighting between you and Rosie. You two are neighbors now and should learn to get along.
Laverne: Get along? Shirl, that's impossible.
Shirley: No, it's not.
Laverne: Yes, it is... Shirl, did Godzilla get along with Tokyo? Did Batman get along with the Joker? We hate each other. You'll just have to except that.
Shirley: It doesn't mean I have to like it.
Laverne: You know what? I'm tired. I want to go to sleep now.
Shirley: Fine.
Laverne went into the bathroom and shut the door and Shirley retired to the bedroom.
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment - Morning
Laverne and Shirley were woke up by the sound of Rosie Greenbaum beating on their door. She took it upon herself to become the girl's personal alarm clock. Laverne and Shirley rushed to make breakfast and got ready for work.
Laverne: I can't stand that bimbo.
Shirley: You know what, Laverne?
Laverne: Do you want me to like what she does?
Shirley: No, I was going to say that I wish we could do something to get back at her.
Laverne: (smiles) Now that's the Shirley Feeney I know and love.
Shirley: Come on, Laverne. We better get to work or Rosie will make sure we're fired.
Laverne: Yeah. I'd really like to fire her...out of a cannon..
Laverne and Shirley put on their brewery outfits and left.
Scene 6
EXT.. Shotz Brewery - Day
INT. Break Room
Laverne and Shirley were eating their lunch. Lenny and Squiggy sat and waited for their beauty to arrive.
Laverne: Did you hear the announcement Rosie made today? (mocking) Any bottles not capped will answer to me. That means you, DeFazio.
Shirley: I know, Laverne. Rosie is going to make our life here at the brewery a living nightmare.
Petula came into the Break Room and sat down. She had a newspaper in her hand and a thermos.
Laverne: (noticing Petula; to Shirley) Hey, that's the girl who ordered the tea last night.
Shirley: I've never seen her before.
Lenny and Squiggy began panting.
Laverne: (to Lenny and Squiggy) Down, boys. (to Petula) Hi there.
Petula: (looking up from her newspaper) Hello. You work here too?
Laverne: Yeah. I haven't seen you around here before.
Shirley: Would you care to join us?
Petula: Sure.
She moved to their table. Lenny and Squiggy's wide eyes followed her.
Laverne: Don't worry about those two. They won't hurt anybody.
Petula: All right.
Shirley: Oh, I love the English.
Petula: Thank you. Would you care for some tea?
Shirley: Yes, thank you.
Laverne: No thanks.
She poured Shirley a cup of tea and rested her newspaper next to her thermos.
Laverne: What's your name?
Petula: Petula Viscardi.
Shirley: What a pretty name.
Petula: My mum is British and my dad is Italian, but he was brought up in Liverpool.
Shirley: That's sweet.
Laverme: So, do you work here?
Petula: Yes, I'm part of the Greenbaum division of this patnership that's going about.
Laverne: (confused) Partnership?
Petula: Well, Mr. Shotz hired Mrs. Greenbaum as an executive assissant of the bottle capping line. Just today, she was bumped to partnership with Mr. Shotz. She now owns half of the brewery and as I hear, you aren't exactly on her list of prized bottle cappers.
Laverne: Yeah, well, she ain't exactly my favorite person to be around.
Shirley: You work with Rosie?
Petula: I'm her personal assistant.
Laverne: You ain't gonna go tell her what we said, are you?
Petula: No, but between you and me, I don't like her either.
The loud speaker came on.
Rosie: Hey, you lazy blue collared workers...Get back to work!
The speaker went off.
Laverne: I'd like a tie a collar around her neck and...
Petula: Hmmm...
Shirley: Will we lose our jobs here at the brewery?
Petula: No, not unless...No...
Laverne: What?
Petula: How much do you dislike Mrs. Greenbaum.
Laverne: I hate her.
Shirley: I wouldn't say that I hate her...I just don't like her.
Petula: Good. How would you like to get even with her?
Laverne: (grinning) Yeah.
Petula: Tell you what, you give me your address and I'll stop by tomorrow at noon. We'll have tea and crumpets.
Laverne: Sounds great.
Petula: Good.
Scene 7
INT. Laverne and Shirley's Apartment -Day
Laverne and Shirley sat and waited for Petula. It was almost 11:45 in the morning.
Laverne: I wonder what we could do to Rosie?
There was a knock at the door. Laverne got up to answer it.
Rosie: Hey, DeFazio.
Laverne: Greenbaum.
Rosie: That's Mrs. Greenbaum to you, sister.
Laverne: Oh yeah?
Rosie: Yeah, I'm your boss.
Laverne: Rosie, don't you have a house to haunt?
Rosie: Watch what you say, DeFazio. I can fire you, you know.
Laverne: Yeah and I can stick your head down a sewer pipe.
Rosie: Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try. Listen, I can't stay here and look at this dump anymore. I better go.
Rosie left.
Another knock on the door followed. Laverne answered the door again.
Laverne: Hi, Carmine.
Carmine was humming "Aloha Oe" as he came into the apartment.
Carmine: Hey, girls...I have some really good news.
Shirley: What is it, Carmine?
Carmine: In a few days, I leaving for a three day cruise to Hawaii.
Shirley: Hawaii, oh, wow, Carmine.
Carmine: I got a job teaching dance.
Laverne: That's great, Carmine.
Shirley: (approaches Carmine) You're teaching older women to dance, right?
Carmine: Well, they're in their not exactly that old.
Shirley: How old then?
Carmine: Late twenties...early thirties.
Shirley: You're not going.
Carmine: Shirley, it's a good job and I'll get extra money so that we can go out to a fancy restaurant.
Shirley: I guess it's alright.
Carmine: (kisses her on the cheek) I better be going now.
Just as he was leaving, Petula was coming down the steps.
Petula: Hello.
Laverne: Hi. Come in.
Petula: You have a lovely apartment.
Laverne: Thanks. So, uh, what's the plan for sinkin' Rosie's boat?
Petula: Hmm...I hope you both are up for it.
Laverne: Anything that will take Rosie off her high horse, I'm up for.
Petula: (putting the crumpets on the coffee table) Okay...I gathered information on Mrs. Greenbaum. I understand that she was recently divorced.
Laverne: Yeah.
Petula: (pouring their cups of tea) Well, did you ever catch her real maiden name? It was so horrible that everytime it was spoken, dogs howled and turtles went back into their shells.
Laverne: What was it?
Petula: I can't say, but I'll write it down.
She wrote it down and showed Laverne and Shirley.
Laverne: That's horrible.
Shirley: I've never seen any other name like it.
Petula: Don't ever repeat this name to anyone.
Laverne: What else did you find out about Rosie?
Petula: (sips her tea) After her divorce, which was exactly, two months ago...
Laverne: Two months? Rosie said she divorced a few weeks ago.
Petula: She was living in a box and going through garbage cans for food a few weeks ago. She wore the same smelly clothes day after day. And you know what else?
Laverne: (intrigued) What?
Petula: I have pictures.
Laverne/Shirley: (look at each other) Blackmail.
Petula: Are you ready to get Rosie kicked?
Laverne and Shirley nodded.
EXT. Shotz Brewery
INT. Mr. Shotz Office - Day
Laverne and Shirley entered the office area. Rosie saw them and walked over to the two bottle cappers.
Rosie: Hey, what are you two doing up here? You're supposed to be in the tank with the other goldfish.
Laverne: We just wanted to see what it's like up here in the sharks tank.
Shirley: (high squeal) Ooooh! You have your very own coffee maker.
Rosie: Yeah, well, you better scram. Bottles need to be capped, DeFazio.
Petula entered the room and walked to Mr. Shotz office. She knocked on the door and then went inside.
Laverne: You have a great desk.
Rosie: DeFazio, get back to work.
Petula came out of the room and gave Laverne and Shirley a sign.
Laverne: You're right. We don't want to be late.
Laverne and Shirley left. Petula smiled at Rosie and sat at her desk. The door opened from Mr. Shotz office.
Mr. Shotz: Miss Viscardi, will you step into my office please?
She went into his office.
Mr. Shotz: These pictures...are they true?
Petula: Yes, they are.
Mr. Shotz: I don't understand. You don't work for me.
Petula: No, I don't. I was hired by Mrs. Greenbaum to take down Laverne and Shirley.
Mr. Shotz: They're from the bottle capping department.
Petula: Yes.
Mr. Shotz: But these pictures would be against Mrs. Greenbaum.
Petula: I met Laverne and Shirley in the Break Room and they were quite nice. I fancied them very much and couldn't possibly get them fired. They seem to love what they do.
Mr. Shotz: (stern look) Send in Mrs. Greenbaum...You are excused to go now.
Petula: Okay, I'll pack my things.
Mr. Shotz: You're right.
Petula stepped outside and informed Rosie that Mr. Shotz wished to see her in his office. Petula went to her desk and cleared it off. Laverne peaked her head from behind the wall.
Laverne: Hey, Petula. How did it go?
Petula: Not too well. I was fired.
Laverne: Aww.
Petula: It's all right. There are other jobs out there.
Laverne: I'd like to punch Rosie right in the nose.
Rosie: (O.S.) What do you mean? I couldn't...You can't...
Rosie was tossed out of his office by Mr. Max Shotz himself.
Laverne: What's the matter, Rosie?
Rosie: Mr. Shotz fired me. DeFazio, could you go in there and put in a good word for me?
Laverne: Yeah, I can think of several.
Rosie: No, wait, on second thought, nevermind.
Rosie packed her things and left the brewery.
Petula: Goodbye, Laverne.
Mr. Shotz came out of his office.
Mr. Shotz: (sees Petula leaving) Miss Viscardi, where do you thing you're going.
Petula: You did fire me, didn't you?
Mr Shotz: No, I promoted you. You are now Senior Executive of the Shotz Brewery Department.
Petula: (over-whelmed) Thank you, sir.
Mr. Shotz: (shakes her hand) Welcome to our family.
Mr. Shotz: Laverne, you and Miss Beaney...
Laverne: Feeney, sir.
Mr. Shotz: You and Miss Feeney can have the rest of the day off, plus a three day weekend.
Laverne: Thanks, Mr. Shotz.
Mr. Shotz: (as Laverne was leaving) Oh, Miss DeFazio...(she turns around) I could arrange for Mrs. Greenbaum to move out of your apartment building.
Laverne: Great, can we get rid of her tonight?
Mr. Shotz: If you'd like.
Laverne: You know, you're not too bad, Mr. Shotz.
Laverne left.
Petula: It looks like you lifted a dark cloud from their lives.
Mr. Shotz: That I did, Miss Viscardi, that I did.
The End
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