LOST IN CONFUTATION: SQUENDOLYN RETURNS

Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster LOST IN CONFUTATION: SQUENDOLYN RETURNS

By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster


ACT ONE



Scene A

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/1


LAVERNE IS ASLEEP; SHIRLEY SEEMS RESTLESS, TOSSING BACK AND FORTH, MUMBLING, “NO…CARMINE, I DON’T WANT TO…” LAVERNE TURNS ON THE LIGHT, GETS UP, AND TRIES SHAKING SHIRLEY AWAKE.

Shirley: (SITTING UP, TERRIFIED) No!

Laverne: Shirl, wake up, wake up. (SHIRLEY OPENS HER EYES) Are you ok?

Shirley: Of course I’m ok, why wouldn’t I be?

Laverne: You were tossing a lot, and saying stuff about Carmine.

Shirley: What’d I say?

Laverne: Well – you said, “Carmine, I don’t want to” then you tossed around again. (BRIEF PAUSE) He wasn’t trying to – you and he weren’t…

Shirley: (GASPS) I remember… (THINKS FOR A MOMENT) Shame on you, Laverne, you know I don’t have dreams like that.

Laverne: (GRINNING, PLAYFULLY) Oh, do I?

Shirley: Carmine would never take advantage on me in that way.

Laverne: Not according to your diary. (SMIRKING)

Shirley: How dare you read my private thoughts! I’m going to have to get a new lock, again!

Laverne: Shirley, relax, I’m not going to tell nobody. So, what did you dream about, or should I ask, who?


Shirley: It wasn’t about Carmine. Well, he was there.

Laverne: (INTERESTED, TONGUE NEARLY HUNG OUT) Yeah?

Shirley: Not like that, Laverne. You have a one track mind, you know that? It will get you nowhere, except a first class ticket to Smut-Ville.

Laverne: Come on, Shirl, tell me, what was your dream about?

Shirley: I dreamt that I married a mummy.

Laverne: (LAUGHS) You married a mummy?

Shirley: Laverne, it’s not funny. It really scared me.

Laverne: I’m sorry, Shirley, but I thought it was another one of your Squiggy in the closet dreams.

Shirley: (LOOKING BACK AT THE SQUIGGY DREAM) That was frightening.

Laverne: Maybe it’s just wedding jitters.

Shirley: You think so?

Laverne: Sure. Everybody has them. (YAWNS) In a few days you’ll become Mrs. Carmine Ragusa… (FALLS INTO HER PILLOW) and you’ll live happily…ever…aft… (SNORES)

SHIRLEY ATTEMPTS FOR A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, EXCEPT SHE CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER BIG DAY. SOMETHING ELSE IS EATING AWAY AT HER AND SHE CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT. SHE LAYS HER HEAD GENTLY ON HER SOFT PILLOW, SEEKING A PEACEFUL SLEEP ABSENT FROM ANXIETY.


Scene B

INT. COWBOY BILL’S – AFTERNOON – DAY/2

AS FRANK FINISHES UP SOME ORDERS, “I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND” PLAYS. LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER; DISCUSSING RANDOM TOPICS OF THE FEMALE ANATOMY. LENNY GIGGLES, INSERTS HIS PALM INTO HIS MOUTH. THEY INVADE A TABLE, TURN THEIR CHAIRS AROUND AND THROW THEIR LEGS OVER THEM.

Lenny: So when are you gonna tell the girls about…

SQUIGGY’S SISTER, SQUENDOLYN, ENTERS. SHE IS WEARING HOT PINK DRESS, POOFY SLEEVES THAT REACH TO HER ANKLES, BLACK HEELS, AND A GREEN RIBBON IN HER HAIR.

Squendolyn: Hello, boys.

Squiggy: (TO LENNY) I know she ain’t as good lookin’ as me, so don’t say nothin’.

Squendolyn: (HUGS SQUIGGY) Brother, dear.

Squiggy: Hello, hello. You remember Lenny, my roommate and best friend.

Squendolyn: Of course I do. Hello, Lenny.

Lenny: (SILENCE)

Squiggy: Don’t be rude to my sister, Lenny, say somethin’.

Lenny: But you told me to say nothin’.

Squiggy: (TO Squendolyn) Where does he get those crazy ideas?

Lenny: You—

Squiggy: (SLAPPING LENNY OVER THE HEAD) That was a “restorical” question, so shut up.

Squendolyn: (FIRM EXPLANATION) Andrew. Apologize to Lenny.

Squiggy: What for? You ain’t my warden.

Squendolyn: Remember what happened when you were in the fifth grade?

Squiggy: Why do you gotta bring that up? (SHE GAVE HIM A LOOK OF DOMINANCE) Sorry, Lenny.

Squendolyn: Well, excuse me, boys, I’m going to freshen up a bit in the ladies room. (EXITS)

Lenny: So, what happened?

Squiggy: Nothin’. She just caught be doing something to a teacher.

Lenny: What’d ya do?


Squiggy: I was gonna catch the tests on fire in English class because I knew I’d flunked, but the teacher walked in on me and I got scared and her desk caught fire.

Lenny: That was you?

Squiggy: Yeah. Squendolyn pretended to me my mother and she never told no one.

Lenny: Oh.


LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER.

Squiggy: There’re the girls. Now is my chance to unload Squendolyn. (IN A RUSH OF EXCITEMENT, LENNY SWINGS HIS LEG OVER THE CHAIR AND CATCHES HIS FOOT ON THE BACK OF IT) Lenny, (PUSHES LENNY BACK IN HIS CHAIR, IT TIPS BACKWARD AND THE TABLE STOPS IT) let me handle this. You just stay here. (WALKS OVER TO LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY) Hello, girls.

Laverne: Hey, Squiggy.

Squiggy: (PUTS HIS ARM AROUND THEM) Could I ask you two a favor?

Laverne: Squig, (REMOVES HIS HAND OFF HER SHOULDER) Your hand is all sweaty.

Squiggy: That’s not sweat, that’s spit.

Shirley: (SQUEALS) Ew!

Laverne: That’s disgusting.


Squiggy: It’s cleaner than soap.

Laverne: No it’s not, Squig, no it’s not.

Shirley: Laverne, see what he wants so we can go home and scrub this –

Squendolyn returns.

Squendolyn: Laverne?

Laverne: Squendolyn.

Squendolyn: I bet you’re all excited that I’m staying with you girls. (TO SHIRLEY) Congratulations on your engagement. We’re going to have a peachy time together. (HUDDLES AROUND LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY)

THEY WERE TOO STUNNED TO SPEAK.

Scene C

INT. LENNY AND SQUIGGY’S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON – DAY/2

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE MAKING MOLD BALLS.

Squiggy: (SIGHS) Ya hear that, Len?

Lenny: No?

Squiggy: Of course not.

Lenny: Good. I got it right.

Squiggy: And do ya know why ya don’t hear nothin’?

Lenny: (RACKS HIS BRAIN)

Squiggy: That sister of mine ain’t here to boss me around.

Lenny: That last question was tricky.

Squiggy: Hey, after this let’s go peek at Rhonda.

Lenny: Ok, but you make the scary animal noises.

Squiggy: Only if you turn the sprinklers on when she comes out.

Lenny: Deal.

Squiggy: Now go get more of that mold from the refrigerator.


Scene D

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT – NIGHT/2

Squendolyn: Now just so I’ll know – where will I be sleeping tonight?

Laverne: The couch is very comfortable.

Squendolyn: Oh, thank you, Laverne. (TO SHIRLEY) Looks like you and I will be roommates.

Laverne: But –

Shirley: Laverne, she’s our guest.

Laverne: Excuse us. (TAKES SHIRLEY TO THE KITCHEN) Shirl, do you realize that you will be sleeping in the same room as Squiggy’s sister?

Shirley: But she’s our guest, we can’t be rude.

SQUENDOLYN APPROACHES SHIRLEY.

Squendolyn: (TAKES HER HAND) Is that an engagement ring?

Shirley: Yes it is.

Squendolyn: Squiggy didn’t tell me that you two were getting married. (LAVERNE SNICKERS)

Shirley: We’re not.

Squendolyn: It’s not Lenny, is it?

Shirley: No, it’s…

Laverne: She’s marrying Carmine Ragusa.

Squendolyn: (TAKEN ABACK) Carmine?

Laverne: (SMILING) Well I see you two have lots to talk about, so I’ll just get my bed ready.

Squendolyn: You’re marrying the sweetest, kindest, most passionate man with muscles that could crush a rock. Hercules, himself would envy Carmine.

LAVERNE YAWNS AND STRETCHES OUT ON THE COUCH WITH A BLANKET.

Laverne: Good night. (SHIRLEY YANKS OUT A TUFT OF HAIR AS SHE WALKS PAST) Ouch!

Shirley: Good night, Laverne.

AS LAVERNE SETTLES IN, CLINCHING HER BALD SPOT, SHIRLEY SAUNTERS UP TO THE BEDROOM WITH SQUENDOLYN, ENDURING WHAT WOULD BE A NIGHT OF TRIVIAL PURSUIT.


Scene E

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APARTMENT – EVENING – NIGHT/3

(MUSICAL SEQUENCE: Dedicated To the One I Love by: Mama's & Papa's)

LAVERNE WADDLES IN, HOLDING HER BACK WITH ONE HAND, CLOSING THE DOOR WITH THE OTHER, GOES TO THE COUCH AND CALAPSES. SHIRLEY COMES IN DANCING AROUND THE ROOM. SQUENDOLYN PEAKS HER HEAD OUT FROM THE BEDROOM, TELLING HER TO COME UP. SHE CONTINUES TO DANCE HER WAY UP THE STAIRS. LAVERNE GRABS HER BLANKET AND THROWS IT OVER HER HEAD.

INT. COWBOY BILL’S – DAY – DAY/4

LAVERNE WAITS ON TABLES. SHIRLEY AND SQUENDOLYN CHEERFULLY ENTER THE RESTAURANT, WANTING TO BE SERVED. THEY ORDER THE SAME THING AND GIGGLE A LOT, TALKING AMONGST THEIR SELVES. LAVERNE ROLLS HER EYES AND LEAVES.

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APARTMENT – EVENING – NIGHT/4

LAVERNE STAGGERS IN FROM HELPING HER DAD OUT AT COWBOY BILL’S. SHIRLEY AND SQUENDOLYN ARE TRYING OUT MUSIC FOR THE WEDDING RECEPTION. RECORDS COMPLETELY COVER UP THE COUCH. SHE THROWS HER ARMS UP AND LEAVES THE APARTMENT.


(MUSICAL SEQUENCE ENDS)


Scene F

EXT. LENNY AND SQUIGGY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT – NIGHT/4

LAVERNE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, LENNY ANSWERS.

Lenny: Hi, Laverne.

Laverne: Hey, Len. Is Squiggy around?

Lenny: No, he had to go back to Milwaukee to help his Uncle Elliot with his wax museum.

Laverne: Yeah?

Lenny: Yeah.

Laverne: So you’re all alone?

Lenny: (LOOKS AROUND) I think so. (LOOKS ON THE FLOOR) Yeah, I’m alone.

Laverne: Would it be ok if I spent the night here?

Lenny: (STEPS BACK INTO A BOX, FALLS TO THE FLOOR) Ow.

Laverne: Lenny, are you ok? (HOVERS OVER HIM)

Lenny: I think so.

Laverne: Nothing’s broken?

Lenny: No – did you just ask to spend the night or am I dreaming?

Laverne: I did. Come on, Lenny, I’m desperate here – I didn’t mean that.

Lenny: Yeah, I know.

Laverne: So, can I?

Lenny: Of course you can, Laverne. You’re my friend, you know that. (HUGS HER)

Laverne: Thanks. I couldn’t stand sleeping on the couch, again.

Lenny: Did you and Shirley get into a fight because whenever me and Squiggy get into a fight, I sleep out in the gutter.

Laverne: Aw.

Lenny: At least it doesn’t snow here.

Laverne: No, it’s Squendolyn and Shirley. It’s like they’ve become best friends.

Lenny: You can stay here while Squiggy’s away.

Laverne: Thanks, Len.

Lenny: You can sleep on my bunk and I’ll sleep on the floor. (BEFORE LAVERNE CAN PROTEST…) It’s ok. I’m used to it.

Laverne: You’re a real sweet guy, Lenny. (KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK, FEELS A SPARK)

LENNY STARTS TO FALL BACK AGAIN, BUT LAVERNE CATCHES HIM AND THEY BOTH LAND ON EACH OTHER. LAVERNE LAUGHS.

Lenny: What’s so funny?

Laverne: Well, right before you fell I felt this spark with I kissed you.

Lenny: That was a spark? I just thought you were a good kisser.

Laverne: But I only kissed your cheek.

Lenny: Any kiss from you Laverne is something great.

LAVERNE KISSES HIM.


End of Act One


ACT TWO


Scene G


INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S APARTMENT – MORNING – DAY/5

DOORBELL RINGS. SQUENDOLYN IS MAKING BREAKFAST, SHIRLEY CALLS FROM UPSTAIRS FOR HER TO GET THE DOOR. SHE GETS THE DOOR TO REVEAL, CARMINE.

Squendolyn: (DEEP VOICE) Hello there.

Carmine: Hi, Squendolyn.

Squendolyn: Did you enjoy the tuxedo fitting yesterday?

Carmine: Uh, yeah.

Squendolyn: (TOUCHES CARMINE’S CHEST)

SHIRLEY COMES OUT, NOT MAKING A NOISE. SHE SEES THE ONE THING DONE TO CARMINE THAT IS FORBIDDEN, HIDES AND LISTENS IN.

Squendolyn: Lucky for us, Shirley has to work.

Carmine: (NERVOUSLY) Yeah, lucky. Where is Shirley anyways?

Squendolyn: Oh she’s just getting ready. You’re not supposed to see the bride until the wedding, right?

Carmine: Well…yeah.

Squendolyn: You silly man. (SMACKS HIM ON THE BUTT) I’ll see you later at the wedding.

CARMINE LEAVES, QUICKLY.

SHIRLEY COMES DOWNSTAIRS.

Shirley: Who was that at the door?

Sqendolyn: Just a salesman, I sent him away.

Shirley: Good. I was afraid it was Carmine.

Sqendolyn: (NERVOUS LAUGH, AS THE NAME “CARMINE” ECHOED THROUGH HER HEAD) It’s your wedding day. He wouldn’t dare show up here, it is bad luck. (RUBS HANDS TOGETHER) Where’s your friend Laverne?

Shirley: I don’t know. I’m worried about her. She was gone all night.


Squendolyn: Really? Uh, maybe she stepped out early.

Shirley: You might be right; except I came down to the kitchen last night and her bed wasn’t made. See? (HOLDS UP LAVERNE’S NEATLY FOLDED BLANKET) Laverne never folds things this good. (BRIEF PAUSE) Could you put her blanket in the closet for me?

Squendolyn: Ok.

Shirley: Then I want you to come upstairs and help me get ready.

SQUENDOLYN TOSSES LAVERNE’S THINGS INTO THE CLOSET AND GOES UPSTAIRS.

LAVERNE ENTERS MOMENTS LATER WITH LENNY BY HER SIDE.

Laverne: Thanks, Lenny, for, you know, last night. You are a true friend. (KISSES HIM)

Lenny: I’d do anything for you, Laverne.

Laverne: (SMILES) Same here. (PAUSES) Lenny, would you like to me my date to the wedding?

Lenny: Who’s getting married?

Laverne: Aw, you silly dope, (HITS HIS ARM) Shirley and Carmine.

Lenny: Well… (LOSES HIS BALANCE)

Laverne: (CATCHES HIM) Whoa, not again.

Lenny: (LOOKING INTO HER EYES) I’d be honored to have you as my date. (PAUSE) You’re eyes sure are beautiful, Laverne.

Laverne: Aw. (KISSES HIM, AND HUG HIM)


Scene H

INT. COWBOY BILL’S/RECEPTION – AFTERNOON – DAY/5

EVERYONE GATHERS TO TOAST CARMINE AND SHIRLEY’S NUPTIALS. LAVERNE AND LENNY GET CLOSER, WHILE SQUENDOLYN KEEPS CLOSE TO THE GROOM.


Laverne: I’d like to make a toast. (PAUSE FOR EVERYONE TO QUIET DOWN) Shirley, it hasn’t been easy living with you these past couple of days, but I’ll cherish every moment we ever had together. You’re my best friend and I love you. (“AW” IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND BY GUESTS) And if Squendolyn hadn’t stayed with us, then I wouldn’t have slept on the couch, and hurt my back and neck, and stayed over at Lenny’s last night.

Frank: (EYES BUGGED OUT) What?!

Laverne: Uh, it’s not what you think, pop.

Frank: You spent the night with my daughter?

Lenny: Yes.

Frank: I’ll kill him.

Laverne: No, pop. (TO LENNY) Run.

LENNY SEES FRANK CHANGE HIMSELF INTO A RAGING BULL. HE RUNS OUT THE DOOR AS FAST AS HE CAN, FRANK FIERCELY FOLLOWS.

Laverne: Well, parties over. I’ve gotta save Lenny.

Squendolyn: Wait! Don’t I get to kiss the groom?

Carmine: I don’t think that’s a good idea. (SHE TIPS HIM BACK)

Shirley: (SLAPS SQUENDOLYN) No!

SHIRLEY STRUGGLES WITH SQUENDOLYN AND THEY ALL FALL INTO THE WEDDING CAKE.

Squendolyn: (GIVES CARMINE A KISS) Oh, sweet romance.

Shirley: Get away from him!

FADES TO:


Scene I

FADE IN:

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/5

LAVERNE GETS COMFORTABLE IN HER BED.

Laverne: (SIGHS) Finally, a good night’s sleep.

SQUENDOLYN EXITS THE BATHROOM AND GETS INTO BED NEXT TO LAVERNE.

Squendolyn: Good night, Laverne.

LAVERNE SCREAMS, SPRINGS UP FROM HER BED, AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT.

Laverne: Oh my heart. Thank God it was only a dream. Squendolyn is gone.

SHE TURNS OFF HER LIGHT, AND SLEEPS SOUNDLY IN HER NEWLY CREATED, DOUBLE BED.


The End