Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Scene 1 [The Girl's Apartment] Laverne and Shirley are sitting on the couch eating popcorn and watching Howdy Doody. Laverne: I read in the T.V. Guide that this was a special show tonight. They're having a Howdy Doody look - alike contest. Shirley: I thought Howdy Doody was a children's morning show. Laverne: Well, it's on at night and that's what makes it special. Shhhh. Buffalo Bob comes out and says: "Hey kids, what time is it?" Children: "It's Howdy Doody time!" [Song begins] Laverne: (whiney voice) Shirl, could you get the butter? Shirley: You always forget that. Shirley gets up, goes to the kitchen, and gets the butter out of the refrigerator. Laverne: (laughing) Shirl, you gotta see these kids. Shirley: I'm getting the butter, Laverne. Remember? She makes her way back to the couch. Buffalo Bob continues: "Our last Howdy Doody look - alike is little Richie Cunningham from Milwaukee." The girls see Richie and their eyes bug out. Laverne: You know, Shirl. He looks more like Howdy Doody than Howdy Doody does. Shirley: (laughs) That's true, but I think Ralph Malph looks like Howdy Doody too. Laverne: Yeah, they could call them Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb. Squiggy; Hell - o! Laverne: Weren't you just down here 10 minutes ago? Squiggy: Well, I see that you count the minutes too. But nevermind that. I want to talk to Shirley. Shirley: What do you want? Squiggy: Come here and I'll tell you. She gets up off the couch and walks over to Squiggy. Shirley: Yes? Squiggy: You read my mind. He took her in his arms, tipped her, and kissed her. When she finally pulled herself up, she screamed, whipped her mouth quickly, ran into the bedroom, and slammed the door. Laverne: I think you over stayed your welcome there, Squig. You better go back upstairs. Squiggy: (walks to the door) All I was doing was thanking Shirley for saving Jeffrey from being burned in the incinerator. He left Laverne turned off the t.v. and put it in the chair near the closet. Then she went into the bedroom where Shirley was lying down with Boo Boo Kitty asleep. Laverne changed in the bathroom and then went to bed. Shirley begins to toss and turn. She goes into a dream state. ********************************************************** Scene 2 [The Girl's Apartment] Laverne is standing over Shirley shaking her. Laverne: Wake up, Shirl. You'll be late. Shirley: (tosses in and out of sleep) Huh? Laverne: You're date. Shirley: Oh, is it morning already? Laverne: Morning?! Shirl, it's 5:00pm. He's picking you up at 7:00pm. Shirley: I better get ready. I don't want to keep him waiting. Laverne and Shirley went into the bedroom and she came out all dressed and ready to go. Shirley: Aren't you going to? Laverne: No, I think that I'm going to stay home and read. Shirley: Oh, really? What? Laverne; Jane Eyre. Shirley: I've been trying to get you to read that for years. Instead of those smut magazines. There is a knock at the door. Laverne answers and Squiggy stands dressed in a black tuxedo and a plaid bow tie. Laverne: You're dates here, Shirl. Shirley: You gotta be kidding. Me and Squiggy? It's not humanly possible. Squiggy: I have reservations at "Le Petit Pois." If we don't get there soon, all the plates will be gone. Shirley: Laverne, this is a nightmare. Laverne: No, in fact, you're engaged. Shirley: To Carmine, right? Laverne: Nope, Squiggy. Shirley: How can I be engaged to Squiggy if I haven't gone on a single date with him? Squiggy: It was love at first site. Shirley: No, no. I couldn't be. I... (she looks at her finger) ...a ring? (she bites it) It's real. The door opens and Lenny is panting for air. Lenny: You gotta come quick! Laverne: What. Lenny: CARMINE'S ABOUT TO JUMP OFF THE BUILDING!! Shirley: WHAT?! They all ran out onto the street. Carmine stands on the edge of the apartment building with only a picture of Shirley in his hands. Lenny: He's been up there ever since he heard the news. Shirley: What news? Lenny: You're marrying Squiggy, duh! Shirley: I'M NOT MARRYING SQUIGGY! CARMINE, GET DOWN OFF THAT BUILDING! Laverne: shirl, if you say that, he might jump. Carmine: I can't live without you, Angel Face. Shirley: Carmine, don't do this to me! If you don't get off that building, I'll send...Laverne up there to get you. Laverne: ME!! Shirley: (whiney squeal) PLEASE, LAVERNE!! A crowd of people formed and urged Laverne to go up there. So Laverne obliged and went upstairs. Carmine stood with his feet further off the edge and ready to jump. Before he could release himself from the pain in his heart, Laverne grabbed his jacket and pulled him in. The crowd applauded and Lenny and Squiggy kicked the dirt with the heel of their shoes. When the crowd disappeared, they all went back inside. Minutes later, Carmine and Laverne came back with a piece of paper. Shirley: What's that? Laverne: A marriage licence. Shirley: You mean? Laverne: Yep, I'm Mrs. Carmine Ragusa. Shirley: No, no, no, no, no! This isn't supposed to happen! Squiggy: Yes, it is, Shirley. Now you are mine, forever, and always. Shirley: Where was our date? Squiggy: Why, here, of course. Shirley: I'm so confused. (she begins to cry) Squiggy: (pats her on the back) There, there, Shirl. Shut up, shut up. We'll marry tonight. And then you can bare the Squiggman babies. Shirley: No. Squiggy: DON'T MAKE ME MARRY YOU BY FORCE, WOMAN! Shirley: I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth! Squiggy: ALL RIGHT, YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE! I'M GOING TO TAKE BOO BOO KITTY, GIVE IT TO LENNY, AND HE CAN USE IT AS A PILLOW!! Shirley: NO! OKAY, I'LL MARRY YOU! He kisses Shirley passionately. ********************************************************** Scene 3 [The Wedding] They are standing on isle seven in the bowling alley at the "Pizza Bowl." There are pretty decorations all over the place. At the end of isle seven stands, Father Guido Sarducci; the groom, Squiggy; and the best man, Lenny. Everything was set. The music starts. Laverne comes down the isle and then Shirley. Father Guido: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... He went through the whole wedding vows and came to the end. Father Guido: ...Now, by the power vested in me and the great cheese state of Wisconsin. I now pronounce you both husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride. squiggy lifts her veil and kisses her. Squiggy; (whispers in her ear) Now for the honeymoon. He kisses her some more. ********************************************************** Scene 4 [The Girl's Apartment] Shirley tosses in her bed until she sits up in a cold sweat. she grabs Boo Boo Kitty and goes into the living room. she sees that the sun is coming up, so she makes breakfast. A couple of hours later, Laverne comes out of the bedroom. Laverne: Shirl? Laverne saw shirley asleep on the couch with Boo Boo Kitty. Laverne tries to wake her up. Laverne: shirl? (she shakes her) Shirley: (sits up) DON'T TOUCH ME! I DON'T WANT YOU'RE BABIES! Laverne: It's me. Laverne. Shirley: I'LL KILL YOU! (she pins Laverne to the couch) HOW COULD YOU! laverne: What? Shirley: YOU KNOW WHAT! YOU, YOU, YOU, BIMBO! Laverne: BIMBO! Shirl, are you askin' for a broken arm? what's going on with you? Shirley: YOU MARRIED CARMINE! Laverne: No, I didn't. I've been asleep...wait a minute. Shirl, you had a bad dream. Shirley: (crying) It was horrible. I married Squiggy. Shirley puts her head on Laverne's shoulder. Laverne: I had a dream that I became a millionaire and married Joe DiMaggio. shirley: (sits up) That's great, Laverne. You have a good dream and I have a nightmare. Squiggy: Hell - o! Shirley: You stay away from me. Squiggy; I came to apologize for my behavior yester - night Lenny: Yeah, he shouldn't have kissed you. Shirley: Well... Lenny: I should've. He tipped her, kissed her, and dropped her on the floor. Lenny: Goodnight. Squiggy; It's morning. Lenny: Right. They left. Laverne: So, how was it? Shirley: He kisses better than Squiggy. Carmine comes through the door. Carmine: I've come to fix your drain pipe. Shirley runs over to Carmine, puts her arms around him, and kisses him passionately. Carmine: (smiling) Well, I should've done this sooner. Shirley vowed never to save anything pertaining to Lenny and Squiggy on account of their reward. The End