Psychic or Psycho: By Emily

Psychic or Psycho

Written by: Emily RS



 
Scene 1: Laverne and Shirley's California Apt. Day. Laverne and Shirley are  
eating Chinese food. 
   
 LAVERNE 
Boy, I love eating Chinese food with these  
 chopsticks, here. 
   
  SHIRLEY 
Do you have to say that every single time we eat Chinese food? 
  
 LAVERNE 
Well, I love to eat with chopsticks. What am I supposed to eat with? A finger  
trapper and a yo-yo? 
   
  SQUIGGY 
(him and Lenny barge through the girls apartment door) 
 Hello! 
   
   
 LENNY 
Can we borrow some Bosco and a fork? 
  
 LAVERNE 
  What do you want with Bosco and a fork? 
 
 SQUIGGY (annoyed) 
  Well, how else are we supposed to eat our vegetables? 
 
 SHIRLEY 
We don't have any Bosco, and over my dead body are you going to use one of  
our forks. 
 
 LENNY 
We'd give it back! 
 
 LAVERNE (sarcastically) 
 Well, that just influenced our decision boys! 
   
 LENNY 
 Really? Then, well give it back uncleaned! 
 
  SHIRLEY 
 GET OUT! 
 
 LENNY 
 Oh and one more thing, Shirley, go anywhere but the movies with Carmine  
tonight, or else something bad is gonna happen.  
 
SHIRLEY 
  Are you pulling my leg? 
 
  SQUIGGY 
 No, he's over here, and you’re over there. 
  
  SHIRLEY 
 NOW I MEAN IT THIS TIME, GET OUT! 
 
 LENNY 
  Okay, you don't have to be so pushy, we can hear. 
 
SQUIGGY 
 Yeah, we ain't blind! 
 
 Laverne and Shirley are very annoyed. Lenny and Squiggy leave. 
 
 Scene 2 Movie theater. Shirley and Carmine are watching "Son  
 of Flubber". 
They ran out of popcorn. Carmine seems very jumpy. 
 
CARMINE 
I'm going to get some more popcorn. All right? 
  
 SHIRLEY 
 I'll go with you. 
   
CARMINE 
No, no, you stay here. I'll go get it. 
  
 SHIRLEY 
 Well, okay. Don't put too much butter on it though! 
 
 EVERYONE (Except Shirley and Carmine) 
 SHHH! 
   
 SHIRLEY 
  Okay! 
  
 EVERYONE 
 SHHHH! 
   
  Scene 3 It's been about 15 minutes, and Carmine is still  
 getting the popcorn. Shirley is wondering where he is, so she goes out to  
the popcorn stand to look for him. She finds him, but he is talking to     
another girl. She walks up to them. The other girl is wearing a hat. 
   
  SHIRLEY (alluringly) 
 Carmine, where's the rest of the popcorn? I'm lonely in there without you. 
 
CARMINE 
Oh darn, I forgot! Here is the money.(gives her a dollar bill) Go get the  
popcorn, and put as much butter on it as you want. 
 
 SHIRLEY(normal)  
 Carmine, who's you little friend?  
 
The lady takes off her hat. 
  
  SHIRLEY (CONT'D) 
  Lucille!? Mrs. Lockwash!? Carmine, we're leaving. Right  
 now!  
 
CARMINE 
 Well, Shirl, you know how we have an agreement that we can see other people  
 right? Well, Lucille just got a new T-Bird and she wants me to come out on a  
 drive with her. Here are the keys to my car. I'll see you at home. 
  
Shirley walks away crying, but trying to hide it. Then she remembers  
something... 
   
 FLASH BACK TO LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APT. THE FIRST SCENE WITH LENNY AND  
SQUIGGY. 
 
LENNY 
 Shirley, go anywhere but the movies with Carmine tonight, or else  
 something bad is gonna happen. 
 
  BACK TO HER  
    
 SHIRLEY 
  No, it can't be! 
  
Scene 4 Laverne and Shirley's Apt. 
   
 LAVERNE 
 I know exactly what you mean! Yesterday, when I was taking the laundry back   
down here from upstairs, he was with me, and he told me that I was going to  
 fall down, and I did! 
  
  SHIRLEY 
 Wouldn't you get amnesia? 
 
 LAVERNE 
 Only you Shirl.... 
    
  SHIRLEY 
 Laverne, he said go anywhere but the movies with Carmine  
tonight,  or something bad will happen. And it did!!! I am telling the truth!  
You were  even there when he said it! 
  
 LAVERNE 
Shirl, did I say that I didn't believe you? No. I said that he also knew when  
 I was going to fall down the steps two seconds before I did! I barely had  
any  
 time to say, "Yeah, right Len!"  
  
SHIRLEY 
 Is there some part of him that's psychic? 
 
LAVERNE 
 Maybe.... 
  
 Scene 5 Carmine's apartment. Carmine is exercising on that bike thing. Lenny  
is talking to him. 
   
 LENNY 
Why did you have to hurt Shirley like that? I mean, she's my friend and I  
don't like it when people hurt her. 
 
 CARMINE 
I didn't mean to hurt her, it's just that well, our relationship is well,  
you know, not that exciting anymore, we don't do anything different anymore.  
 Besides Len, we do have an agreement to see other people.  
 
 LENNY 
Well, you didn't have to ditch her! 
 
 CARMINE 
Well, I guess that you're right. I'll talk to her later. 
 
  After Carmine talks, there is complete silence in the room for about 10  
seconds.  
  
LENNY 
Carmine get the phone. 
 
 CARMINE 
I didn't hear anything. 
 
 Just then, the phone rings.  
 
 CARMINE 
 (going over to the phone) Hey Len, how'd you do that? Hello? (Listens)Oh, hi  
 Lucille.(Listens) What? No, I told you, I have to teach dance class to a  
bunch of four-year-olds that day.(Listens) Oh all right. Bye. 
  
LENNY 
Carmine, you know even I think that she's full of it. And well, you know me. 
 
 CARMINE 
You know Len, for once, I think that your right! (dials a number on the  
phone) Hello Lucille. Look, we are not on for Saturday of any other Night!  
(listens) Lucille Lockwash. (Listens) Oh sorry. (Hangs up and dials another  
number) Hello Lucille, we are not on for Saturday or any other day.  And I  
don't care if you are Lucille or not! (Listens) Oh okay, well, at least I got  
the right number this time. Good bye forever! 
  
LENNY 
 That's the way to do it! 
 
Carmine starts crying. 
 
  Scene 6 Pizza Bowl. Lenny and Squiggy have just come out from where they  
make the pizzas and keep the extra beer. 
 
 LENNY 
 Mr. DeFazio the grease pit is on fire!  
 
 Frank runs in to the back screaming in Italian. 
 
  SQUIGGY 
 I'm telling you Len, with your psychic ability, and my looks and talent, we  
could go places! 
  
 LENNY 
  Yeah! Lets go to the Men's room, I've got to fix my hair.  
 
 SQUIGGY 
 Okay. 
  
They both get up to go in to the Men's room. 
 
 FRANK 
 (coming out of the back) Oh, you Pickleheads! The grease pit wasn't on fire! 
 
 ONE OF THE WAITRESSES 
(yelling)Frank! Come quick! The grease pit is on fire! 
   
FRANK 
 No it isn't! I just checked!  
   
 WAITRESS  
 Just go check on more time. 
  
Frank and the waitress go in to the back. You hear Frank screaming, "The  
grease pits on fire! Go get the baking soda!" 
 
 LENNY 
I told him! 
 
 Scene 6 Laverne and Shirley's apartment. Laverne, Shirley, Carmine, Frank, 
 and Edna are all in the living room. Frank, Edna, and Carmine are sitting on  
the couch, and Laverne and Shirley are standing up. 
 
 LAVERNE 
How can Lenny all of the sudden tell the future? 
  
EDNA 
I don't know, but I do know that psychics also make a lot of money. 
 
 Everyone pauses and starts to think. They are all staring off in to space  
You can almost see the little money signs in their eyes. 
 
 SHIRLEY 
(knows what everyone is thinking) No, that would be taking advantage of him. 
 
 CARMINE  
 Shirl's right... 
  
 SHIRLEY 
Carmine, that reminds me, why are you here? I told you never to come down her  
again! 
 
CARMINE 
Laverne told me to come down. Look Shirl, I told you that I told Lucille off, 
and I told you everything that we did that night. I told you that I was sorry. 
 
 SHIRLEY 
 Sorry isn't gonna make everything better. (to Laverne) You invited him down  
here after I told you that I was never going to speak to him again?!  
  
LAVERNE 
 Well, I figured he could help. 
  
 CARMINE 
 Oh! So now I have no friends huh!? Forget this! I'm goin'  upstairs! 
 
 LAVERNE 
 Carmine... 
 
SHIRLEY 
 Forget him! (takes his place of the couch) Now, we couldn't make money off  
of Len! It would be taking advantage of him. 
 
EDNA 
 But they still owe 5 months rent! 
 
 FRANK 
Yeah, and how about that pizza oven that they broke because they wanted to  
 see how it worked? 
  
  LAVERNE 
 How did they break it? 
  
 FRANK 
 They didn't know how to make a pizza so they put a bowling ball in it  
instead. 
 
SHIRLEY 
  Those idiots. 
 
LAVERNE 
Hey Shirl, remember that dance record that we let them borrow, and  they  
traded it in for that other record it? What about that!? 
 
 SHIRLEY 
  I don't remember that.  
 
 LAVERNE 
  Oh you know, the one that has "The Monkey" on one side and "The Jerk" on  
the  other.  
 
 
 SQUIGGY  
 (bursting through the girls apartment) 
  Hello! 
 
 SHIRLEY 
Oh yeah! Okay, I guess that it's fine with me now that I have  
 something to blame them for. 
 
 LENNY 
 What? 
 
 LAVERNE 
 Lenny, how would you like to earn some extra cash? 
 
LENNY 
 Huh? 
 
  SHIRLEY 
Well, with your psychic ability you could attract girls from everywhere! 
 
  LENNY 
  (excited) How do we get started? How do we get started? 
   
 EDNA 
 Well, you start by putting signs up in the streets saying, "Want to know  
your future? Ask a Psychic. Come to The Front Stoop on the corner of Knapp and  
 Kent to have those secrets unlocked." 
   
 LAVERNE 
 Boy that's good. 
 
 SQUIGGY 
How does that make us get money? 
 
  SHIRLEY 
 You charge them $5 a pop to get it read! Why we'll have hundreds of dollars  
 before the week ends. 
 
 SQUIGGY 
 What is this "we"? 
 
EDNA 
 What about my 5 months rent? 
 
 FRANK 
  And my pizza oven? 
 
 LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY 
 And our record! 
 
  LENNY 
Okay, okay, but after all of that gets paid, me and Squiggy get to keep all  
 of the rest of the money! 
 
EVERYONE 
 All right. 
 
  SQUIGGY 
Let's shake on it! 
 
 
 Lenny and Squiggy start shaking their whole bodies. 
 
 LAVERNE 
 Do it their way. 
 
 Everyone else starts to shake with along with Lenny and Squiggy. 
   
Scene 7 outside of Laverne, Shirley, Lenny, Squiggy, Carmine, and Edna's  
apartment building. Their is a long line of people waiting to get their  
fortunes told.           
 Laverne and Shirley are collecting all of the money, that everyone is going  
to sort out so that they get all of their money back, and Lenny is sitting  
behind the table with a cape on and he is  looking in to a crystal, or I mean  
glass ball. 
   
 LENNY (talking to some guy) 
You are going to become very rich with in the next week don't say no to  
anything! 
 
 GUY 
Thanks! 
  
 He leaves. 
  
 SQUIGGY 
 Next! 
   
A lady comes up.  
 
LENNY 
 Do you have a boyfriend? 
  
  LADY 
 Yes and why? Shouldn't you know that already?   
 
  LENNY 
I'm psychic how am I supposed to know? I'm not a matchmaker! Anyway, break up  
with him ASAP! Something horrible will happen! To you if you don't break up  
with  him! 
   
 LADY 
 Thank you! 
 
LENNY 
Well, that's it for today! 
 
 SQUIGGY 
Go home ladies and gentle men! GO HOME! 
     
 Scene 8 Laverne and Shirley's Apartment. One Week Later. Shirley is one the  
phone. Laverne is drinking some milk and Pepsi while watching "The Twilight  
Zone" on TV. 
 
SHIRLEY 
Yes well,(listens) you don't have to shout at me. (listens) All right bye.  
(to Laverne 
Can you believe that every single person that had Lenny tell their future has  
called and complained? They are either broke or really upset.  
 
LAVERNE 
Well, get Len and everyone else down here. 
 
Scene 9.  5 minutes later. Everyone is in the girls apartment. Everyone is  
talking all at once. Shirley is yelling at Carmine, Frank and Edna are      
discussing something, Lenny and Squiggy are talking about different ways to  
get pudding off of the ceiling, and Laverne is getting very annoyed. 
 
LAVERNE 
(screaming) HOLD IT! (everyone stops talking) (Normal) Now one person should  
talk at a time, and first, that person will be me. Now Len, how could you  
tell our futures, but not those other people? 
 
LENNY 
Well... 
 
SHIRLEY 
Come Len, you can tell us we won't get mad! 
 
LENNY 
Well, I knew that Laverne was gonna fall down the stairs because her shoelace  
was untied, I knew that Lucille would be at the movie theater the other day  
cause I heard Carmine talking on the phone with her, I knew that Carmine's  
phone was gonna ring because while Carmine was on the phone with Lucille he  
repeated that she said that she was gonna call at 4:00 on the dot the very  
next day, and I happened to be there at 4:00.  
 
CARMINE 
Wait, how did you hear my conversation? 
 
LENNY 
You talk very loudly. I knew that Mr. DeFazio's grease pit would catch fire  
any minute because I saw some fire from the pizza oven come on to it.  
 
EDNA 
Well, then why did you agree to do the Psychic thing on the street? 
 
LENNY 
I thought that it would be just for fun! Besides, I like makin a lot of  
money.    
 
Everyone chases him right out of the apartment except Shirley runs right in  
to Carmine by accident. They are in the living room between the coffee table  
and the couch. (Standing up) 
 
CARMINE 
Look Shirl, you know that I don't love anyone more then you! Especially  
Lucille! It's just that our relationship isn't as fun as it used to be. 
 
SHIRLEY 
Carmine, this time, I will forgive you because I can't live without you. Just  
promise me one thing. (In the back round you hear everyone else yelling)  
Don't ditch me anymore. 
 
They start to kiss. Then Lenny comes bursting through the girls apartment  
door along with everyone else chasing him. He runs around and around the  
living room along with everyone else chasing him. Shirley and Carmine are  
still kissing while everyone else is running around the living room trying to  
kill Lenny. 
 
THE END  
 

 






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