Written by: Emily RS
Scene 1: Laverne and Shirley's California Apt. Day. Laverne and Shirley are eating Chinese food. LAVERNE Boy, I love eating Chinese food with these chopsticks, here. SHIRLEY Do you have to say that every single time we eat Chinese food? LAVERNE Well, I love to eat with chopsticks. What am I supposed to eat with? A finger trapper and a yo-yo? SQUIGGY (him and Lenny barge through the girls apartment door) Hello! LENNY Can we borrow some Bosco and a fork? LAVERNE What do you want with Bosco and a fork? SQUIGGY (annoyed) Well, how else are we supposed to eat our vegetables? SHIRLEY We don't have any Bosco, and over my dead body are you going to use one of our forks. LENNY We'd give it back! LAVERNE (sarcastically) Well, that just influenced our decision boys! LENNY Really? Then, well give it back uncleaned! SHIRLEY GET OUT! LENNY Oh and one more thing, Shirley, go anywhere but the movies with Carmine tonight, or else something bad is gonna happen. SHIRLEY Are you pulling my leg? SQUIGGY No, he's over here, and you’re over there. SHIRLEY NOW I MEAN IT THIS TIME, GET OUT! LENNY Okay, you don't have to be so pushy, we can hear. SQUIGGY Yeah, we ain't blind! Laverne and Shirley are very annoyed. Lenny and Squiggy leave. Scene 2 Movie theater. Shirley and Carmine are watching "Son of Flubber". They ran out of popcorn. Carmine seems very jumpy. CARMINE I'm going to get some more popcorn. All right? SHIRLEY I'll go with you. CARMINE No, no, you stay here. I'll go get it. SHIRLEY Well, okay. Don't put too much butter on it though! EVERYONE (Except Shirley and Carmine) SHHH! SHIRLEY Okay! EVERYONE SHHHH! Scene 3 It's been about 15 minutes, and Carmine is still getting the popcorn. Shirley is wondering where he is, so she goes out to the popcorn stand to look for him. She finds him, but he is talking to another girl. She walks up to them. The other girl is wearing a hat. SHIRLEY (alluringly) Carmine, where's the rest of the popcorn? I'm lonely in there without you. CARMINE Oh darn, I forgot! Here is the money.(gives her a dollar bill) Go get the popcorn, and put as much butter on it as you want. SHIRLEY(normal) Carmine, who's you little friend? The lady takes off her hat. SHIRLEY (CONT'D) Lucille!? Mrs. Lockwash!? Carmine, we're leaving. Right now! CARMINE Well, Shirl, you know how we have an agreement that we can see other people right? Well, Lucille just got a new T-Bird and she wants me to come out on a drive with her. Here are the keys to my car. I'll see you at home. Shirley walks away crying, but trying to hide it. Then she remembers something... FLASH BACK TO LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APT. THE FIRST SCENE WITH LENNY AND SQUIGGY. LENNY Shirley, go anywhere but the movies with Carmine tonight, or else something bad is gonna happen. BACK TO HER SHIRLEY No, it can't be! Scene 4 Laverne and Shirley's Apt. LAVERNE I know exactly what you mean! Yesterday, when I was taking the laundry back down here from upstairs, he was with me, and he told me that I was going to fall down, and I did! SHIRLEY Wouldn't you get amnesia? LAVERNE Only you Shirl.... SHIRLEY Laverne, he said go anywhere but the movies with Carmine tonight, or something bad will happen. And it did!!! I am telling the truth! You were even there when he said it! LAVERNE Shirl, did I say that I didn't believe you? No. I said that he also knew when I was going to fall down the steps two seconds before I did! I barely had any time to say, "Yeah, right Len!" SHIRLEY Is there some part of him that's psychic? LAVERNE Maybe.... Scene 5 Carmine's apartment. Carmine is exercising on that bike thing. Lenny is talking to him. LENNY Why did you have to hurt Shirley like that? I mean, she's my friend and I don't like it when people hurt her. CARMINE I didn't mean to hurt her, it's just that well, our relationship is well, you know, not that exciting anymore, we don't do anything different anymore. Besides Len, we do have an agreement to see other people. LENNY Well, you didn't have to ditch her! CARMINE Well, I guess that you're right. I'll talk to her later. After Carmine talks, there is complete silence in the room for about 10 seconds. LENNY Carmine get the phone. CARMINE I didn't hear anything. Just then, the phone rings. CARMINE (going over to the phone) Hey Len, how'd you do that? Hello? (Listens)Oh, hi Lucille.(Listens) What? No, I told you, I have to teach dance class to a bunch of four-year-olds that day.(Listens) Oh all right. Bye. LENNY Carmine, you know even I think that she's full of it. And well, you know me. CARMINE You know Len, for once, I think that your right! (dials a number on the phone) Hello Lucille. Look, we are not on for Saturday of any other Night! (listens) Lucille Lockwash. (Listens) Oh sorry. (Hangs up and dials another number) Hello Lucille, we are not on for Saturday or any other day. And I don't care if you are Lucille or not! (Listens) Oh okay, well, at least I got the right number this time. Good bye forever! LENNY That's the way to do it! Carmine starts crying. Scene 6 Pizza Bowl. Lenny and Squiggy have just come out from where they make the pizzas and keep the extra beer. LENNY Mr. DeFazio the grease pit is on fire! Frank runs in to the back screaming in Italian. SQUIGGY I'm telling you Len, with your psychic ability, and my looks and talent, we could go places! LENNY Yeah! Lets go to the Men's room, I've got to fix my hair. SQUIGGY Okay. They both get up to go in to the Men's room. FRANK (coming out of the back) Oh, you Pickleheads! The grease pit wasn't on fire! ONE OF THE WAITRESSES (yelling)Frank! Come quick! The grease pit is on fire! FRANK No it isn't! I just checked! WAITRESS Just go check on more time. Frank and the waitress go in to the back. You hear Frank screaming, "The grease pits on fire! Go get the baking soda!" LENNY I told him! Scene 6 Laverne and Shirley's apartment. Laverne, Shirley, Carmine, Frank, and Edna are all in the living room. Frank, Edna, and Carmine are sitting on the couch, and Laverne and Shirley are standing up. LAVERNE How can Lenny all of the sudden tell the future? EDNA I don't know, but I do know that psychics also make a lot of money. Everyone pauses and starts to think. They are all staring off in to space You can almost see the little money signs in their eyes. SHIRLEY (knows what everyone is thinking) No, that would be taking advantage of him. CARMINE Shirl's right... SHIRLEY Carmine, that reminds me, why are you here? I told you never to come down her again! CARMINE Laverne told me to come down. Look Shirl, I told you that I told Lucille off, and I told you everything that we did that night. I told you that I was sorry. SHIRLEY Sorry isn't gonna make everything better. (to Laverne) You invited him down here after I told you that I was never going to speak to him again?! LAVERNE Well, I figured he could help. CARMINE Oh! So now I have no friends huh!? Forget this! I'm goin' upstairs! LAVERNE Carmine... SHIRLEY Forget him! (takes his place of the couch) Now, we couldn't make money off of Len! It would be taking advantage of him. EDNA But they still owe 5 months rent! FRANK Yeah, and how about that pizza oven that they broke because they wanted to see how it worked? LAVERNE How did they break it? FRANK They didn't know how to make a pizza so they put a bowling ball in it instead. SHIRLEY Those idiots. LAVERNE Hey Shirl, remember that dance record that we let them borrow, and they traded it in for that other record it? What about that!? SHIRLEY I don't remember that. LAVERNE Oh you know, the one that has "The Monkey" on one side and "The Jerk" on the other. SQUIGGY (bursting through the girls apartment) Hello! SHIRLEY Oh yeah! Okay, I guess that it's fine with me now that I have something to blame them for. LENNY What? LAVERNE Lenny, how would you like to earn some extra cash? LENNY Huh? SHIRLEY Well, with your psychic ability you could attract girls from everywhere! LENNY (excited) How do we get started? How do we get started? EDNA Well, you start by putting signs up in the streets saying, "Want to know your future? Ask a Psychic. Come to The Front Stoop on the corner of Knapp and Kent to have those secrets unlocked." LAVERNE Boy that's good. SQUIGGY How does that make us get money? SHIRLEY You charge them $5 a pop to get it read! Why we'll have hundreds of dollars before the week ends. SQUIGGY What is this "we"? EDNA What about my 5 months rent? FRANK And my pizza oven? LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY And our record! LENNY Okay, okay, but after all of that gets paid, me and Squiggy get to keep all of the rest of the money! EVERYONE All right. SQUIGGY Let's shake on it! Lenny and Squiggy start shaking their whole bodies. LAVERNE Do it their way. Everyone else starts to shake with along with Lenny and Squiggy. Scene 7 outside of Laverne, Shirley, Lenny, Squiggy, Carmine, and Edna's apartment building. Their is a long line of people waiting to get their fortunes told. Laverne and Shirley are collecting all of the money, that everyone is going to sort out so that they get all of their money back, and Lenny is sitting behind the table with a cape on and he is looking in to a crystal, or I mean glass ball. LENNY (talking to some guy) You are going to become very rich with in the next week don't say no to anything! GUY Thanks! He leaves. SQUIGGY Next! A lady comes up. LENNY Do you have a boyfriend? LADY Yes and why? Shouldn't you know that already? LENNY I'm psychic how am I supposed to know? I'm not a matchmaker! Anyway, break up with him ASAP! Something horrible will happen! To you if you don't break up with him! LADY Thank you! LENNY Well, that's it for today! SQUIGGY Go home ladies and gentle men! GO HOME! Scene 8 Laverne and Shirley's Apartment. One Week Later. Shirley is one the phone. Laverne is drinking some milk and Pepsi while watching "The Twilight Zone" on TV. SHIRLEY Yes well,(listens) you don't have to shout at me. (listens) All right bye. (to Laverne Can you believe that every single person that had Lenny tell their future has called and complained? They are either broke or really upset. LAVERNE Well, get Len and everyone else down here. Scene 9. 5 minutes later. Everyone is in the girls apartment. Everyone is talking all at once. Shirley is yelling at Carmine, Frank and Edna are discussing something, Lenny and Squiggy are talking about different ways to get pudding off of the ceiling, and Laverne is getting very annoyed. LAVERNE (screaming) HOLD IT! (everyone stops talking) (Normal) Now one person should talk at a time, and first, that person will be me. Now Len, how could you tell our futures, but not those other people? LENNY Well... SHIRLEY Come Len, you can tell us we won't get mad! LENNY Well, I knew that Laverne was gonna fall down the stairs because her shoelace was untied, I knew that Lucille would be at the movie theater the other day cause I heard Carmine talking on the phone with her, I knew that Carmine's phone was gonna ring because while Carmine was on the phone with Lucille he repeated that she said that she was gonna call at 4:00 on the dot the very next day, and I happened to be there at 4:00. CARMINE Wait, how did you hear my conversation? LENNY You talk very loudly. I knew that Mr. DeFazio's grease pit would catch fire any minute because I saw some fire from the pizza oven come on to it. EDNA Well, then why did you agree to do the Psychic thing on the street? LENNY I thought that it would be just for fun! Besides, I like makin a lot of money. Everyone chases him right out of the apartment except Shirley runs right in to Carmine by accident. They are in the living room between the coffee table and the couch. (Standing up) CARMINE Look Shirl, you know that I don't love anyone more then you! Especially Lucille! It's just that our relationship isn't as fun as it used to be. SHIRLEY Carmine, this time, I will forgive you because I can't live without you. Just promise me one thing. (In the back round you hear everyone else yelling) Don't ditch me anymore. They start to kiss. Then Lenny comes bursting through the girls apartment door along with everyone else chasing him. He runs around and around the living room along with everyone else chasing him. Shirley and Carmine are still kissing while everyone else is running around the living room trying to kill Lenny. THE END