By Emily L
Title: Merry Mothmas
Author: Emily L.
Email: lavennyfic@gmail.com
Category: Comedy
Rating: PG
Parts: 1/1
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, they belong to Paramount. Don't sue me - I might cry.
Pairing: None
Distribution: I'm keeping my fic on here for now. E-mail me if you have any requests.
Authors Notes: For the 2013 Holiday Fic Exchange
Setting: Milwaukee, between seasons 4 and 5
Summary: Lenny and Squiggy Christmas shop for each other on a budget.

Lenny had spent all day digging through his childhood belongings to search for Christmas presents. He found a ball of yarn from his mother's sewing kit - the only thing she had left behind - to give to Shirley. He figured if she couldn't use it, Boo Boo Kitty would have a hell of a time with it. He wrapped the giant metal letter L that he had stolen from the front of the Phister Liquors building in the 8th grade with a a bright red ribbon for Laverne. His father and sister never expected anything from him but his presense at Christmas dinner every few years, so he didn't need to worry about them. The only person left for him to take into consideration was Squiggy. He'd looked all over for something suitable for his best friend, but could only think of one place that he hadn't shopped at so far this season.

Meanwhile, Squiggy was on a hunt across town to find the perfect ornaments for the dead baby oak tree that he had brought home a month ago and never remembered to water. He collected cigarette butts covered in various shades of lipstick - his keen eye left him able to pin point which cigarette had been smoked by which Milwaukee bombshell, or which girl Arthur Fonzarelli had just kissed before sucking down a Marlboro. He gathered broken toy cars left outside of the local orphanage, bullet shells from the Army base Lenny went to before he broke his thumb, and a couple funny looking balloons from Inspiration Point. On his way home to finish decorating the tree, he decided to stop into the Salvation Army to see if they had any of those year-old pastries he loved or the expired shampoo that cost ten cents less than it did at Slotnik's.

As Squiggy ran into the thrift store to go on a leisurely hunt for his necessities and to thaw out his hair worm, he was immediately distracted by the large dollhouse placed in the middle of the store, next to the smutty dime novels that he knew had belonged to Laverne before Shirley made her get rid of them. There, he found naked Barbies - the closest thing he had seen to the female anatomy since daring his fat cousin Arthur to take off his shirt in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner three years prior - and dozens of hand-sewn outfits for them hanging from miniature plastic hangers. He found a white and blue striped miniature turtleneck next to the larger knock-off Barbie dolls that would fit Lenny's stuffed iguana Jeffery perfectly. It would keep him warm during those times that Lenny decided to take him on long truck rides to Detroit during the winter months. Squiggy slowly pulled the dirty knit sweater out of the pink plastic doll closet, saw that the price tag was marked fifteen cents, and headed towards the cash register.

As Squiggy happily whistled his way out of the Salvation Army, Lenny slid in through the entrance way without signaling to Squiggy that he was there, too. Lenny was so used to having all of his holiday shopping done so far in advance that he'd be embarrassed to let Squiggy know that he hadn't even decided what he wanted to get for him yet. Lenny spent hours looking through sweaters and jackets, books and record albums, and shoes and collectables. Just as he was about to give up and tell Squiggy he owed him two rounds of bowling and a beer, his eyes directed themselves towards the glassware in the kitchen section of the thrift store. Though there were plenty of used appliances that he and Squiggy were too poor to afford in new condition, what caught his eye was the glassware shoved away on the shelf in the far corner of the store. Squiggy had been using the same mason jar to store his moth collection since the 5th grade, and with all of the gorgeous dishware surrounding him, he saw endless possibility. He quickly grabbed a white vase covered in hand-painted green butterflies, threw a one dollar bill at the cashier, and high-tailed it to his apartment. He didn't get a chance to wrap it, but figured that the intricate artwork on it's outside would speak for itself.

As it came time to exchange gifts, Lenny and Squiggy tried to get into the Christmas spirit by drinking the egg nog that had been shoved in the back of the refrigerator for a whole 14 months - Squiggy always said all beverages get better with age, especially the stuff from the immature cows. Once the thick yellow dairy had been spiked with the rum gifted to the boys from Boppo the Bum from 9th street, Lenny motioned for Squiggy to get his gift from under the bunk bed. He pushed back few grape fruit-sized dust bunnies and inhaled enough dirt to build Queen Mothra a castle, but finally grasped the crockery in his hands. Immediately, and without explanation from Lenny, he knew what to use it for. "Why, Motthew can make a palace outta this!" he shouted. "And to think I was gonna move 'em into Shirley's tuna sandwich Tupperware!"

As Lenny was swelling with pride over picking out a good gift for Squiggy, he quickly realized that Squiggy probably wasn't going to return the favor. Though he loved giving more than receiving in every aspect of life, he couldn't help but be hurt and disappointed. As his eyes cast downward and his shoulders slumped, Squiggy handed him the sweater for Jeffery.
"I know Jeffery's not a Count like you or nothin'," Squiggy mumbled, "but he at least deserves to have his lizardly neck covered up. Otherwise he won't have nothin' to hide his hickies behind." Lenny beamed with excitement - he had never known anyone to care about Jeffery as he did before, and now he felt like Squiggy not only cared for, but encouraged his relationship with that their friends thought was a stupid skinny pig.

"Ya know, Squig..." Lenny said with a sly smile, "all our friends say we're one of a kind. Lucky for them, I couldn't think of a better ex-stinked breed to be a apart of!" And as Squiggy laughed at his roommates joke, he transferred his dried moths to their new home. He hadn't had a live moth in years, so he felt no need to tape off the top of the vase to stop them from flying out. But at the moment Lenny began to dress Jeffery in his new miniature turtleneck, Squiggy realized there was more to the Christmas miracle than just best friend with incredible taste - he also realized that inside of sweater he had just bought for Lenny's iguana lived a small gray moth who flew out from chewing at the hem and flocked right to the vase of it's ancestors.
They both stared in disbelief. "Whatta say we go back down to the Salvation Army, Len ol' boy, and find us another moth or two?"
"Yeah, Squig! We can start a farm, watch 'em vo-de-oh-doh, and maybe have enough of 'em to eat the clothes right off Laverne and Shirley!"
And with that, they both scrambled out the apartment door and into the night, in search for a sex maniac moth to ensure that their plan would work.
THE END