Written by Emily and S. Wilhelmina Feenster
This is all ad-libbed.
Laverne, Lenny, and Carmine = Emily
Shirley,
Squiggy, Native Man, and Edna = S. Wilhelmina Feenster
LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S
APT
LAVERNE
Two weeks vacation! Finally.
SHIRLEY
Yeah,
we've earned it!
LAVERNE
Well, tomorrow we leave for Highland
Island to go camping, so we'd better get
packing! Why don't you call
Carmine, and see if he got his week off? While
you're doing that, I'll go
pack.
SHIRLEY
Okay, but no smut clothes! I don't want them getting
mixed up in my suitcase
again!
LAVERNE
Yeah, that was
funny.
SHIRLEY
Will you just go?
LAVERNE
All right, all
right!!
::LAVERNE EXITS::: ::SHIRLEY GOES OVER TO THE
PHONE::
FADE TO: PIZZA BOWL. LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE TALKING TO EDNA
BABISH.
LENNY
Okay Mrs. Babish! Somehow we'll get our
rent!
EDNA
All right, boys. But if it's not given to me by 7:30
tomorrow morning, I'll
have Frank break your legs!
LENNY
Uhh...can we take a rain check on that...see we're leaving
for Highland
Island tomorrow at 5:00 with Laverne and Shirley and Carmine.
EDNA
Well..I guess.
LENNY
Booya!
SQUIGGY
Yeah,
boo hoo!
::CARMINE WALKS IN.::
SQUIGGY
Look, Len, it's The
Big Raccoon.
CARMINE
You know I hate it when you call me
that!
LENNY
Then why is it your
name?
SQUIGGY
Yeah!
CARMINE
Oh! I don't even know why
Laverne and Shirley invited you two in the first
place!
SQUIGGY
Well, at least we don't squat
dance!
LENNY
Besides, it was either we come with them, or we stay in
their apartment for
two weeks.
CARMINE
I see their
point.
::LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ENTER::
LAVERNE
...and that's
how you start a fire without burning the whole place
down.::notices Lenny,
Squiggy, and Carmine:: Oh hey, guys. Ready for
tomorrow?
CARMINE
Ready as I'll ever be! ::smiles at
Shirley::
SQUIGGY
Lenny and myself will be hunting for rare
monkeys.
CARMINE
What monkeys are you gonna find...::looks at
Shirley::..oh, good luck!
SQUIGGY
They call themselves
Sad-Squash.
CARMINE
Oh, is that right?
LENNY
Yeah! Every
year, they swing from vine to vine, millions of miles, to mate in
Delaware!
::LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY START LAUGHING
HYSTERICALLY::
FADE TO: THE GANG GETTING MAPS, TENTS,
ETC...
LAVERNE (holding a map)
I'm telling ya, this is the map we
use to get to our campgrounds!
CARMINE (holding another map)
No, I'm
pretty sure it's this one..
SHIRLEY
Although, it could be this one
::Points at Carmines::..after all , it's the
one with the furry woodland
creatures.
SQUIGGY
Hell-o!
LENNY
What's the hold up? The
Monkeys are gonna wake up if we don't leave now!
LAVERNE
Wake
up?
LENNY
Yes, everybody knows that they're nocturnal, or an animal
that is up during
the night.
SQUIGGY
Ya know, I was gonna say
that very same thing.
LENNY
Well, great minds do think
alike.
::YOU CAN HEAR LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, AND CARMINE
ARGUING::
CARMINE
All right, I know how to settle
this!
LAVERNE
How?
CARMINE
I bet you 100 bucks that my
way's right, and me and Shirl will get there
before you do.
LENNY
::whispers to Squiggy::
Hey, that 100 bucks is enough to pay our
rent!
SQUIGGY
::whispers back:: yeah, it is...::geistures to
Lenny::
LENNY
I know that Laverne's map is the right
one!
::EVERYONE HEARS HIM::
LAVERNE
All right, Lenny and
Squiggy are on my side. ::to Lenny and Squiggy:: Thanks
guys.
SQUIGGY
We would've done it for anybody else!
CARMINE ::to
Shirley::
::mockingly::Yeah, like Lenny and Squiggy are gonna be that big
of a help.
SQUIGGY
I heard that! I ain't
blind!
LAVERNE
Come on guys, lets go and get there before it gets
dark. Unlike some people
who will get there next month.::Motions to
Shirley and Carmine::
SHIRLEY
Come on, Carmine!
::THEY ALL
EXIT. THE TWO GROUPS GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS WITH THEIR
BACKPACKS AND
MAPS::
::10 MINUTES LATER::::LAVERNE, LENNY, AND SQUIGGY, ARE ALL IN
THE WOODS
SINGING::
LAVERNE ::out of tune::
99 bottles of beer
on the wall. 99 bottles of beer..take it over, Len!
LENNY
..Ya take
one down, pass it around..
ALL
98 bottles of beer on the
wall!
LENNY
Boy, that was fun!
LAVERNE
But we only got
down to 98, all the way from 1000!
LENNY
That just annoys you,
doesn't it?
::LAVERNE ROLLS HER EYES::
FADE TO: SHIRLEY AND
CARMINE. SHIRLEY AND CARMINE ARE ALSO WALKING. CARMINE
IS LOOKS AT THE
MAP, AND SHIRLEY HAS A COMPASS.
CARMINE
Now let's see...that point
is here ::points to map::, but we're here ::points
to map in another
spot:: ::beat:: I'm hungry, can't we stop to eat? It's 2
o`clock, and I
haven't eaten all day!
SHIRLEY
I'm hungry
too.
CARMINE
Then let's eat!
SHIRLEY
All
right.
CARMINE
What do you have?
SHIRLEY
Well, I have
peanut butter and mashed nanas, and for you have your
favorite...
CARMINE
Cottage cheese on
pumpernickel!?
SHIRLEY
Yes, Sweetheart.
CARMINE
Ahh,
you're the best. ::kisses her::
::hands him the sandwich in a celefane
wrapper::
CARMINE
Bon
Appetite!
::silence::
CARMINE
So,
Shirl....
SHIRLEY
Yes, Carmine.
CARMINE
Umm...How are
things at the brewery?
SHIRLEY
Oh, it's the same ol thing
everyday..the bottles roll by and we cap 'em.
::Carmine finishes his
sandwich:: ::Shirley soon does too:: ::Carmine leans
over to kiss
Shirley:: ::Shirley pushes him away::
CARMINE
What's
wrong?
SHIRLEY
I brought dessert.
CARMINE
::disappointed::
Oh.
SHIRLEY
Maybe later, we can go for a
walk!
CARMINE
Well, we got to get to camp first! Remember, I have
$100 on it!
SHIRLEY
Oh, yes. ::smiles::
CARMINE
So what's
for dessert?
::crack of thunder::
CARMINE
Shirl, what did
they say the weather would be like today?
SHIRLEY
The weather man
said , 30% chance of showers, but...
CARMINE
But
what?
::rain starts to pour on them::
SHIRLEY
But they were
wrong!
CARMINE
Shirl, where's the map?
SHIRLEY
In my
backpack.
CARMINE
Oh, thank God! I thought we lost it! ::beat::
Shirl...
SHIRLEY
Yeah..
CARMINE
I'm getting soaked! Let's
make a run for it!!
SHIRLEY
I'm with you!
::They start
running as fast as they can::
CARMINE ::while running::
Hey Shirl,
you're pretty fast!
SHIRLEY
Yeah, well, I've had to run home a few
times when Laverne took the car to
meet guys after work.
::CARMINE
STOPS::
CARMINE
Hey, look! Cleared area! We could probably put up
our tent there, at least
we'd have a roof over our
heads!
SHIRLEY
That's a wish decision,
Carmine.
CARMINE
Are ya gonna argue with me now?
SHIRLEY
No.
CARMINE
Then come on, help me get my tent
up!
::SHIRLEY TRIES TO GET HER TENT OUT OF HER BAG ONLY TO REMEMBER
THAT LAVERNE
HAD THE TENT THAT THE GIRLS WERE GOING TO
SHARE::
CARMINE
What's wrong? Why aren't you
helping?
SHIRLEY
Uh, Carmine..how many tents are we supposed to
have?
CARMINE
Don't you remember? I have my own, Lenny and Squiggy
have theirs, and
Laverne's carrying you and hers. ::catches on::
Oh...::grins:: Well, I guess
this sorta puts us in a
spot..
SHIRLEY
Yeah, it does.
CARMINE
One tent..two
people..who have been going out for five years..
SHIRLEY
Carmine,
we're not sharing a tent!
::CARMINE FINISHES PUTTING UP THE
TENT::
CARMINE
But Shirl, it's raining!
SHIRLEY
It's only
sprinkling..Carmine.
CARMINE
Sprinkling, raining, snowing..what's
the difference!? Cold water is coming
from the sky!
SHIRLEY
Well
then, let's hurry up and get in our tent.
CARMINE
::laughs:: Now
it's OUR tent. Ladies first.
::They both enter the tent::
::CUT
TO::::Lenny, Squiggy, and Laverne who are trying to put up their tents.
Squiggy picks up a pole and accidentally hits Lenny in the
head::
::CUT TO:: CARMINE AND SHIRLEY:: THEY ARE IN THE
TENT::
CARMINE
Boy, it's cold out there! ::beat:: Here, you can wear
my dry jacket, ::takes
jacket out of his bag:: I'll put on a dry shirt.
::takes a dry shirt out of
his bag::
SHIRLEY
Aw, Carmine. ::She
kisses him on the cheek::
CARMINE
Hold on let me change. ::he
changes into his dry shirt:: Okay, I'm ready now.
::he puts his arm around
her::
::THEY BOTH SHARE A WARM EMBRACE::::CARMINE KISSES
SHIRLEY::
CARMINE
So, do you want to get our sleeping bags
ready?
SHIRLEY
Okay.
::CARMINE LAYS HIS SLEEPING BAG NEXT TO
SHIRLEY'S::
CARMINE
Where's Boo Boo Kitty?
SHIRLEY
He's
save in my backpack..
CARMINE
That's good, because I know that if he
got ruined you'd be pretty upset.
SHIRLEY
::Shirley pulls Boo Boo
Kitty out of the back pack:: Here he is! Say "hello"
to
Carmine..
::CARMINE FAKE SMILES::
SHIRLEY::Kitty voice::
Hello, Carmine!
CARMINE
Hello, cat.
SHIRLEY ::Kitty
Voice::
I love you, Carmine!
CARMINE ::in a daze::
I love you
too, Shirl...::snaps out of it:: er...I mean cat!
::SHIRLEY LOOKS DEEP
INTO CARMINE'S EYES::
CARMINE
What's wrong?
SHIRLEY
I
never heard you say those words to me like that before.
CARMINE
What
do you mean? What words?
SHIRLEY
You said..oh,
nevermind.
CARMINE
No, no, what?
SHIRLEY
"I love you too,
Shirl"
CARMINE
Oh, that.
SHIRLEY
So you didn't mean
it?
CARMINE
No, I meant it but..
SHIRLEY
But
what?
CARMINE
But nothing. Come on, let's go to
sleep.
SHIRLEY ::
confused::
Okay...goodnight.
CARMINE
Shirl...
SHIRLEY
Yes,
Carmine?
CARMINE
Umm..well..goodnight. ::kisses her lips
gently::
SHIRLEY
Goodnight, Sweetheart.
::SHIRLEY AND CARMINE
LAY THERE. THE SONG "GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART" PLAYS IN THE
BACKGROUND:
::CUT TO:: LAVERNE'S TENT AND LENNY AND SQUIGGY'S TENT.
THEY LOOK LIKE
TORNADOES HIT THEM::::LAVERNE GETS OUT OF HER TENT AND
NOTICES THAT CARMINE
AND SHIRLEY STILL AREN'T
THERE.::
LAVERNE
Guys, wake up!
::LENNY AND SQUIGGY COME OUT
OF THEIR TENT::
SQUIGGY
What do you want,
Laverne?
LAVERNE
Shirley and Carmine aren't here!
::LENNY
BITES HIS PALM::::SQUIGGY DOES A KISSY FACE AND PUTS OUT HIS
HANDS::
LAVERNE
Shut up! I'm worried about
them.
LENNY
Look on the bright side! We won 100
bucks!
SQUIGGY
Let's all go back into our tent and settle down to a
quite orgy.
::LAVERNE RUNS INTO THE OUTHOUSE AND HIDES::::LENNY AND
SQUIGGY START EATING
ALL THE FOOD::
SQUIGGY
Mmm..Banana and
spam...
LENNY
Well, this is brown today...so that means it was
yellow once..
SQUIGGY ::singing::
I love Spam and bananas on ham! I
love Spam, jam, ham, hey, hey!
LENNY
You like hay? What are you a
horse?
SQUIGGY
That's a good one, Len!
LENNY
Well, thank
you.
SQUIGGY
But next time, leave the stupid jokes to me,
okay?
LENNY
Okay.
SQUIGGY
So, Len..do you want to go
hunting for rare and obscene monkeys?
LENNY
Okay! I'll go get the
fishing nets!
SQUIGGY
And why don't you go fetch the bananas too
while your there!
LENNY
Okay!
::Lenny goes into his
tent::::Laverne comes out of the outhouse::::She tries
to start a fire so
that can get breakfast started.::
LAVERNE
Darn
matches!
SQUIGGY
Why use a match when the forest is filled with
trees!
LAVERNE
Well, how else am I gonna get a fire
started?
SQUIGGY
Have you ever heard of rubbing two twigs
together?
LAVERNE
Yeah, if I want the fire next
year!
SQUIGGY
Well, Lenny learned all that stuff in the
Army!
LAVERNE
Well, I'm not Lenny!
SQUIGGY
They teach you
how to be a man, Laverne..they teach you how to::puts his arm
around
Laverne::...Fight off wild monkeys!
LAVERNE
::Taking his arm off her
shoulder:: That's great, Squig.
SQUIGGY
So, uh, are you gonna go
with us to find the rare Sad-Quash?
LAVERNE
Nah, I think that I'll
stay here, and get my fire started.
::Lenny comes out of the
tent::
LENNY
Found 'em!
SQUIGGY
::winking at Lenny:: Well
then, we'll get our fire started with you
tonight..in our
tent!
::Lenny bites his palm::
LAVERNE
Oh!::Slaps
Squiggy::
SQUIGGY
Hey! You ain't goin' with us no more, Laverne!
Even if you begged! Come on,
Len!
LENNY
Okay!
::Lenny and
Squiggy stomp out::
LAVERNE
I'll be just fine by myself! ::waits a
minute:: Hey guys, wait up!
::Laverne runs after them::
::fade
to Shirley and Carmine::::They are starting breakfast over an open
fire::
CARMINE
Mmmm! It looks so good!
SHIRLEY
Aren't
you glad I brought waffles, bacon, eggs, and orange juice. This should
last us a few days.
CARMINE
Yeah. We should try to find our way
back after breakfast.
SHIRLEY
Okay.
::Takes the map out of
his pocket::
CARMINE ::looking at the map::
How'd we end up here by
following this map?
SHIRLEY
We should be at our camp site by
now.
CARMINE
Shirl, we should've been there by 7 o`clock last
night!
SHIRLEY
Oh, well..haven't you always said that we hardly ever
get anytime alone
anymore?
CARMINE
::putting his arm around
her::Yeah, I guess this is kinda romantic. I just
wish I had some bug
spray! ::slaps his own neck to get the bugs to stop
biting
him::
SHIRLEY
Let's get into the tent and I'll stratch your bites,
okay?
CARMINE
Okay. Thank you. Let's bring some of the food in with
us okay?
SHIRLEY
All right..I brought strawberries and whipped
creme.
CARMINE
::Smiles:: You're such a great
girlfriend.
::Carmine and Shirley go in hand in hand and zip up the
tent so no more bugs
can get in::::Lenny, Squiggy, and Laverne stumble
upon Carmine and Shirley's
site::
LENNY
Food! ::goes up to
it::
LAVERNE
Len, ya just can't take other people's
food!
LENNY
But Squiggy's the one who ate all the food. Now I'm
stavin' like Marvin!
::Laverne looks around to see that no one's
there::
LAVERNE ::whispering::
Go ahead. And get me some of those
eggs.
SQUIGGY
I'll stand guard..go, Len!
LAVERNE
And
I'll hold the bag open. ::holds her backpack open::
::Lenny takes as
much food as his hands can hold::::They hear someone
unzipping the tent::
LENNY
Run!!
::Laverne, Lenny, and Squiggy all run away
together::::Carmine and Shirley
come out of the
tent::
CARMINE
Wow, I feel so much better. Thanks, Shirl. ::Carmine
looks at their pot with
no more food on it:: Shirl, did you eat the
food?
SHIRLEY
A little, but only what you fed to me inside the
tent!
CARMINE
Just what I thought...
SHIRLEY
What?
CARMINE
::scared look:: bears. ::beat:: Didn't you hear that
growling outside our
tent? The bears ate our food!
SHIRLEY
That
wasn't the bears, Carmine, that was you!
CARMINE
Oh, was it me?
Well, that explains that. ::beat::But where's our food? I was
really
looking forward to those eggs too.
SHIRLEY
Me
too.
CARMINE
Well, we can eat our lunches or starve..
SHIRLEY
Let's make the lunches.
CARMINE
What do we
have?
SHIRLEY
I have cottage cheese on pumpernickel.
CARMINE
::smiles::
Aw, you're such a great girlfriend...making my favorite sandwich
and all.
::Shirley smiles back::
CARMINE
::looking at map::
Shirl, can you figure out this stupid map?
SHIRLEY
Well, I see an
"X."
CARMINE
Yeah, and I started at start, and for some reason, the
people who drew this
map had all the markings wrong!
SHIRLEY
Uh
oh. This might be one of Lenny and Squiggy's maps.
CARMINE
Oh, no,
those jerks! They switched maps on us!
SHIRLEY
What are we going to
do?
CARMINE
I don't know, but if we don't find our way back, we'll
starve or freeze. And
I don't know about you, but I can't go one more day
without a shower!
SHIRLEY
It will be all right,
Carmine.
CARMINE
Well, what are we going to
do?
SHIRLEY
Pray for a Forest Ranger?
CARMINE
Shirl, this
is no time to joke around.
SHIRLEY
I'm sorry, sweetheart..but for
once, could you look on the bright side?
CARMINE
Yeah, you are the
first person that I would want to be lost with.
SHIRLEY
Aw, that's
probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say.
::Carmine puts his
arms around Shirley and tries to kiss her::::He pauses,
then looks at
her::
CARMINE
What's wrong?
SHIRLEY
Nothing,
Carmine.
CARMINE
But you're crying.
SHIRLEY::wiping her eyes
with her hand::
No I'm not.
CARMINE
Shirl, what's
wrong!?
::A single tear fell from her cheek and landed on Carmine's
arm::
CARMINE
Awww...::hugs Shirley::
SHIRLEY
I'm scared,
Carmine.
CARMINE
I know. I am too, but we'll get through this. Trust
me.
::She clutches onto Carmine's jacket for
comfort::
CARMINE
Do you want to go rest a
while?
SHIRLEY
No, I'm fine..I just want you,
Carmine.
CARMINE
Well, I'm here.
::Shirley and Carmine
hug::
CARMINE
I guess we should eat lunch now.
SHIRLEY
I
don't know if I can eat right now.
CARMINE
But Shirl, this food
isn't going to last forever. You have to eat!
SHIRLEY
Okay, I guess
your right.
CARMINE
Here, take half of my
sandwich.
SHIRLEY
Thank you, Carmine.
::Carmine smiles, and
Shirley takes half of the sandwich::
::pause::
CARMINE
Good,
huh?
::Shirley takes a bite and smiles::
CARMINE
Eat up. We
need our energy for tonight!
::Shirley ate her sandwich and went into
the tent::::Carmine follows her::
::in the
tent::
CARMINE
Don't ya wanna roast some marshmallows by an open
fire, Shirl?
SHIRLEY::smiling::
That was be
nice.
CARMINE
Good. ::beat:: I'm going to go collect some more fire
wood before dark. Would
you like to come, or rest up a
bit?
SHIRLEY
I think I'll rest.
CARMINE
Okay. I'll be back
in about 15 minutes.
::At that point, Shirley had already fallen
alseep::
CARMINE ::to himself::
Boy, she must really be
tired.
::Carmine leaves for the wood::
::Fade to:: ::Late that
night::::Carmine and Shirley are roasting their
marshmallows under the
moonlit sky::::Carmine has his arm around Shirley::
CARMINE
Gee, I
never thought that being lost could be so much fun!
::Shirley showed
off her Feeney dimples::::Carmine smiles back, then looks at
the
marshmallows::
CARMINE
Well, these two are done.
::Carmine
brings reels the marshmallows on the stick closer to
himself::
CARMINE
Here ya go! Two roasted
marshmallows.
SQUIGGY
Hell-o!
::Carmine looks
around::
LENNY
Squig, you were wrong those weren't the Sad-Squash!
That's Shirley and
Carmine!
CARMINE
Lenny?
Squiggy?
SQUIGGY
Yes, I'm Squiggy and this is Lenny. You're Carmine
and that's Shirley.
CARMINE
Where's Laverne?
LENNY
Oh,
she's sleeping.
SQUIGGY
Just like Sleeping Beauty and the Seven Ugly
Dewarfs.
CARMINE
Did you get to the campsite?
LENNY
Yeah,
it's only a little ways away from here. Why did you decide to camp out
here? That's crazy!
SQUIGGY
There ain't no way a Sad-Quash would
camp out in this small climax.
::Shirley and Carmine give weird
looks::
SHIRLEY
Don't you boys have anywhere better to go?...And
where's Laverne?
LENNY
We just told you! At
camp...sleeping.
CARMINE
Well...where is
camp?
LENNY
Ummm......::points back:: that
way!
SQUIGGY
Yeah, past the trees back
there.
CARMINE
Which trees?
SQUIGGY
Those trees right
over....::points to the west:: there!
::Shirley begins to bite her
right index finger and squeal in a high pitch
voice::
CARMINE
Oh, no, Shirl! That's the sound that tightens
the muscles in the back of my
neck!
::Carmine grabs the back of his
neck:::Shirley stops::
SHIRLEY
I'm sorry,
Sweetheart.
LENNY
Let's go, Squig. This is getting to mushy for
me.
CARMINE
No, no. Can you guys wait for us to pack up? Then you
can take us to camp?
SQUIGGY
Okay.
CARMINE
Thanks
guys!
::Carmine and Shirley pack up::
LENNY
Well, come on we
don't have all night!
CARMINE
Len, we're going as fast as we
can!
SHIRLEY
Yeah, um, you boys can help with our
tents.
LENNY
Looks pretty cozy to me!
::smiles::
SQUIGGY
Yeah..::nudges Lenny on the
arm::
CARMINE
Shut up guys, we just shared a tent for a
night.
::Lenny bites his palm, and Squiggy makes a kissy
noise::
SHIRLEY
Nothing happened! It was completely
innocent!
CARMINE
Yeah! ::annoyed face::
SQUIGGY
Yeah,
innocent..::winks at them::...I getcha.
LENNY
Ya know, we could
never get her clothes off. What's your secret,
Carmine?
CARMINE
There's no secret because nothing
happened.
::Shirley gave a look that could only mean one
thing::
SHIRLEY
Get out!!
LENNY
No, we're
leaving!
::Lenny and Squiggy leave::
CARMINE
What did you do
that for!? Now we're never gonna get to camp!
SHIRLEY
I can't stand
the way those two twist our words around.
CARMINE
But Shirl, now
we're lost again!
SHIRLEY
Well, we have a map, don't
we?
CARMINE
Shirl, remember...all the markings are wrong!
::Shirley begins to squeal which causes all the birds in the trees to
fly
away::::Carmine grabs the back of his neck::
CARMINE
Oh, no
not again! My neck, Shirl! My neck!
::Shirley stops her squealing. She
drops to the ground and cries::
SHIRLEY
Why did I mess everything up
for us, Carmine? Why?
CARMINE
Aww, Shirl! It's okay! We'll get
through this!
SHIRLEY
I think we lost our chance of ever getting out
of these woods. And it was me,
Shirley Feeney, who
goofed.
CARMINE
Well, Shirl. Didn't they say that camp was that way?
::points in the
direction Squiggy pointed out::
SHIRLEY
Yes,
but...
CARMINE
but what?
SHIRLEY
They're two
idiots.
CARMINE
True...but it's at least worth a shot right? What's
the worst that could
happen? Are you tired?
SHIRLEY
No. I took a
long nap earlier, remember? I'll be fine.
CARMINE
Well, let's just
go a little ways, so we have a little idea of everything in
the morning.
Okay?
SHIRLEY
Okay.
CARMINE
Come on.
::They start
to walk::
CARMINE
What's wrong? Ya scared?
SHIRLEY
No, I'm
not scared, Carmine. ::She buried her head in his coat:: What would
make
you think that?
CARMINE
Well, the fact that your head is
in my coat..
SHIRLEY
Well, I guess I'm a little
scared.
::Carmine puts his arm around
Shirley::
CARMINE
Better?
SHIRLEY
Yes, thank
you.
::Carmine
smiles::
CARMINE
Anytime.
::silence::
CARMINE
I know
what'll get your mind off of this whole thing!
SHIRLEY
What?
CARMINE ::singing::
Over, Over, and Over, I
tried to prove my love to you over and over,
what
more can I do? Over
and Over, my friends say I'm a fool. So o-o-over
and over
I'll be a fool
for you. Cause you've got..
SHIRLEY
::singing::
Personality.
CARMINE::singing::
Walk.
SHIRLEY::singing::
Personality.
CARMINE::singing::
Talk.
SHIRLEY::singing::
Personality.
CARMINE::singing::
Charm.
SHIRLEY::singing::
Personality.
CARMINE::singing::
Smile.
SHIRLEY
Personality.
CARMINE::singing::
Lov--
::Carmine
stops singing, and looks around::
CARMINE
Shirl, did you just see
that, or was it all in my head?
SHIRLEY ::pretending she hadn't::
See
what?
CARMINE
That shadow thinggy!
SHIRLEY
::stuttering a
bit:: N-no.
CARMINE
Ok, I guess my mind's just playing tricks on
me..
SHIRLEY
Or maybe it's Lenny and Squiggy trying to scare
us.
CARMINE
Oh! Those dorks! I thought that they were hunting for
their "rare
sad-squash".
SHIRLEY
Well those boys never cease to
amaze me.
::All of the sudden we hear drums beating. They are getting
louder, and
louder, and LOUDER::
CARMINE
Maybe that's Lenny and
Squiggy too...
::At this point, Camrine is holding on to Shirley as tight
as he
possibly
can::
CARMINE
Shirl...
SHIRLEY
Yes,
Carmine?
CARMINE
Kiss me.
::Shirley, to scared to decline,
kisses him::
CARMINE
::Pulls away:: Aw they're still
there!
SHIRLEY
Why did you kiss me, Carmine?
CARMINE
Because
I thought that there was some chance of making them go away. Do
you
hear
those drums?
SHIRLEY
Yes, I do hear those drums.
CARMINE
Did
Lenny and Squiggy bring that record they had of all drum music?
SHIRLEY
No, I don't think so.
CARMINE
Well, then where is it coming
from?
SHIRLEY
Maybe Indians?
CARMINE
In
Milwaukee?
SHIRLEY
They could be visiting.
CARMINE
It's
probably nothing..but just to make sure, let's head back to
camp.
SHIRLEY
Okay.
::they start heading back to camp::::the
drumming stops::
CARMINE
Hey! It stopped!
SHIRLEY
Oh, good!
Let's go back to camp.
::Shirley turned arounded and was face to face
with a tall man wearing
a
native mask::::Carmine's eyes bug out and his
jaw drops::::Shirley does
one
of her peicing screams::::Carmine stays
still staring at the huge man,
but
moves his arm to cover her
mouth::::Shirley stops screaming, and takes
Carmine's hand off of her
mouth.::
SHIRLEY
Carmine, don't just stand there, do
something!
CARMINE
Like what?
SHIRLEY
Well, you used to be a
boxer!
CARMINE
Okay, okay...::walks up to the man three times his
size::..How! We come
in
peace. ::holds up index finger and middle finger
together to create a
peace
symbol with his fingers::
NATIVE
MAN
Ugh!
CARMINE
What?
NATIVE MAN
Stand
back!
CARMINE
Hey, look, Shirl, he speaks English!
NATIVE
MAN
Of course I speak English! Come with me! You are my
prisionors!
::Shirley latches onto Carmine like a
leach::
CARMINE
Wait, don't I get a say in this?
NATIVE
MAN
No!
::The man pics up Carmine, with Shirley still attached onto
him, and
carries
them both off::
::Cut to the Indian Villiage.::
All of the Indians are dancing around
the
bonfire::::Meanwhile, Carmine
and Shirley are talking::
SHIRLEY
Why do they want us here?..Maybe
they're voo doo doctors and they want
to
cast a voo doo curse on
us!
CARMINE
Nah, they gave us a nice, warm bath, voo doo doctors
wouldn't do that.
SHIRLEY
I guess your right, but they washed us with
our clothes on. Isn't that
a bit
odd?
CARMINE
Yeah. But it was
nice.At least I don't smell like Squiggy anymore.
SQUIGGY ::with a
pitiful look on his face and hanging from a large
birdcage-like cell::
Hell-o.
CARMINE
Squiggy!?
SHIRLEY
How did you get up here?
CARMINE
Yeah, how'd you get up here?
SQUIGGY
Well, you
see, I was just wandering through the woods and they put me
in this
cage. I guess they thought I was a Sad-Quash!
CARMINE
Yeah, you
sorta resemble one, Squig.
SQUIGGY
Just for that, I won't tell them I
know you.
CARMINE
Fine with me! You probably saved my life.
::Shirley nodded in agreement with Carmine::
SHIRLEY
It's a
good thing we're not caged up.
CARMINE
Yeah. I wonder why Squig got
caged up.
SQUIGGY
They said that they're saving me for a special
sacrifice.
CARMINE
Squiggy, do you know what that
means!?
SQUIGGY
It means I'm special and you're
not.
CARMINE
Squig, do you know what they're gonna do to
you?
SQUIGGY
Treat me like a king!
CARMINE
No, not quite
that..
SQUIGGY
A prince, a duke, a queen!?
CARMINE
No...it's
not like that, Squig..
SHIRLEY
No Squiggy! You just don't get it!!
They don't want to worship you,
they want
you
dead!
SQUIGGY
Why would they want me dead?
CARMINE
Well,
Squig...ya know those Playboys that you have in your closet?
Well,
that's enterainment for you..and entertainment for them is watching
someone
die. I think...
SQUIGGY
Then why'd they put me in a
cage and feed me good food?
CARMINE
Well, what exactly did they feed
you?
SQUIGGY
The usual royal meals..grapes, chicken, ribs, potatos,
and a cooked
serpent..i think that's some kind of sausage.
SHIRLEY
That's discusting!
CARMINE
Forget all that. Squig, we gotta get
you outta there!
SHIRLEY
How, Carmine?
CARMINE
Well...One of
us could go distract everyone with her sex appeal while I
go,
and rescue
Squiggy.
SHIRLEY
Oh no! Not me! I'm not allowed to do that sort of
thing!
CARMINE
Shirl..
SHIRLEY
Carmine..
CARMINE
Come
on, Shirl, look at him.
SHIRLEY
Well...I...I...
::Shirley looks
at Squiggy::
SHIRLEY
I guess so.
CARMINE
Okay, so you go
distract them. And I'll get Squig.
::Shirley walked slowly toward the
natives while doing her little
shimmy that
she does so well. The natives
look at her like she's a complete
moron.::
SHIRLEY::to the native::
Why, hello there big fella.
::While Shirley is doing all of this,
Carmine climbs up to Squiggy's
cage and
tries to undo the
lock::
CARMINE
Squig, do you know where they put the key to this
thing?
SQUIGGY
I don't know..why don't you ask
him?
CARMINE
Ya know, maybe I should just leave you in
here.
::Shirley screams::
SQUIGGY
Hurry,
Carmine!
::Carmine runs over to Shirley::
CARMINE::grabbing on to
Shirley::
What's wrong?
SHIRLEY
Nothing. Did you know that they
kill little animals for clothes? He
just put
one around me, that's all.
Is Squiggy out yet?
SQUIGGY ::O.S::
Carmine! Carmine!
Help!!!
CARMINE
Nope, he's still in there. I can't open the
cage!
SQUIGGY::O.S.::
Oh, Big Raccoon!
CARMINE
::annoyed::
I'm coming, Squig..
SHIRLEY
I'll be fine,
Sweetheart.
CARMINE
::smiles:: Just try to distract 'em. ::walking
over to Squig:: What do
you
want me to do, Squig? That this is solid
metal, and I can't find the
key.
SQUIGGY
Well, I just
remembered...I put it in my shoe.
CARMINE
You put the key in your
shoe?
SQUIGGY
Yeah, when he wasn't lookin' I took
it.
CARMINE
Well, why don't you take it out of your shoe and unlock
the lock
yourself?
SQUIGGY
What ever happened to you being my
hero? Did Superman ever save Clarke
Kent?
CARMINE
I draw the line
at taking things from your shoes.
SQUIGGY
Fine! But whenever you'll
lying in a gutter and need help, don't call
on the
hand of Andrew
Squigman!
CARMINE
Okay, Squig. ::Calling over to Shirley:: Hey, Shirl!
Come here!
::Shirley ran quickly before the natives came out of their
tents
without
their tribal clothes on::
SHIRLEY
Let's get out
of here quickly!
CARMINE
Can you believe that this moron had the key
in his shoe, and forgot
about it?
SHIRLEY
Later. We'll talk about
this later! Come on!!!
CARMINE
What did they say to
you?
SHIRLEY
They didn't say anything! They're getting akedna (naked
in pig latin)
so lets
get outta here
now!
CARMINE
Why?
SHIRLEY
Please, Carmine ask questions
later!
CARMINE
Okay, but what about Squiggy? He's not staying with us
in our tent!
SHIRLEY
We're get away from here a bit and ditch him,
ok?
CARMINE
Okay.
SQUIGGY
Hey Shirl, I ain't blind! I heard
what you said to Carmine and it's not
gonna
work! I'm smarter than I
look.
CARMINE
If you're so smart, Squig, why do you have the key and
you're still
locked in
that stupid thing.
SQUIGGY
Oh yeah! I
knew that! I was just testin ya!
::Squiggy unlocked the car with his feet
and climbed out::::The Natives
are
yelling in the
backround::
SQUIGGY
I'm out..now what?
NATIVE MAN
Hey, you!
Where are you going with our dinner?
::Shirley screamed, and ran away.
Carmine and Squiggy swiftly
followed::
::Fade to woods::About a half
hour later::Shirley, Carmine, and Squiggy
are
still running for their
lives::
CARMINE
I think we lost 'em.
SHIRLEY::trying to catch
her breath::
Yeah, I think we did. And now we're lost.