Lenny's Blind Date
By: Countess Kerouac
Spoilers: "Hi Neighbor: Book II"
Disclaimer: Don't own anything...just for fun!
Author's Notes: Set directly after "Hi Neighbor: Book II". Canon is canon until "Hi Neighbor: Book II".
Archive: (Optional, if you want to promote your website or distribute to other archives)
Distribution: (How you want others interested in hosting your fic to contact you. Optional, at your discretion.)
Summary: When Lenny is set to go on a blind date, Laverne gets jealous.
Lenny's Blind Date
A few hours after Lenny and Squiggy left the apartment the night of their double date, Laverne was laying awake in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Shirley was sound asleep with the heartwarming thought that she had been a good friend to Lenny and Squiggy that night and felt satisfied in her good will to mankind. Laverne, on the other hand, felt strange and uneasy. She knew she had more fun and had more laughs with Lenny than she had with any of the other dates she'd been on recently. She also knew that her and Lenny's kiss lasted a bit longer than their usual peck. However, she was confused as to what it meant or what she should do about it. Finally, at about 3 AM, Laverne fell asleep.
Next morning, 8 AM.
Shirley: (shaking a sleeping Laverne) Laverne! Laverne, wake up! Wake up!
Laverne: (sprouting up quickly and frantically getting herself together) Okay, okay...Shirl, I'm up! I'll be real fast, I promise. You go ahead to work without me, I'll take the bus. It's only a quarter.
Shirley: No, no, Laverne. It's Sunday. We don't have to go to work on Sunday.
Laverne: (angrily) Sunday? It's Sunday? (pause) Shirl...I'm going back to bed. I would appreciate it if you'd stop speaking to me now. Goodnight. (shutting the light out)
Shirley: (turning it on again) No, no, Laverne...you have to get up. I have to talk to you...come on...get up.
Laverne: Shirl, it's Sunday. The world sleeps on Sunday.
Shirley: Laverne! Stop being a child and listen to me...now, I know we all agreed that last night was just a friend thing, you know, helping Lenny and Squiggy out, no big deal, but well...Laverne...(pause, sigh) Ok...here it goes...Lenny's out there in the kitchen...he's making breakfast...for you. (pause) I'm going back to bed. Good night.
Shirley goes to jump back onto her bed, but Laverne grabs her and pulls her back.
Laverne: Shirl! Why is he here at 8 o' clock in the morning? Why? (pause) Don't you lock the door, Shirl? Huh? We could get robbed or somethin'!
Shirley: I locked the door, Laverne. (pause) I'm the one who let him in.
Shirley: Aw, Laverne, I don't know....I guess he just wants to show you how much he appreciates you going out with him last night, that's all. You know how Lenny gets...he's like a marshmellow. A slightly stale and yellow marshmellow, but a marshmellow nonetheless.
Laverne: (Whining) Ohhh, Shirl...well, can't he appreciate it at a more reasonable hour...say, around noon? One? Two?...Six? Tell him to come back later. I need my beauty rest. (she lays back down)
Shirley: (getting up) Fine, you sleep. I'll go tell Lenny that he might as well bring all those warm banana nut pancakes he made upstairs to Squiggy...Lord knows what he'll do with them.
Laverne: Banana nut pancakes? Really? (pouty) I like banana nut pancakes...
Shirley: And all those sweet, fluffy waffles with the strawberries on them...just the way you like them...well, I guess Squiggy can just feed them to his moths or something.
Laverne: Alright, Shirl. I'm up. But, if there aren't any pancakes out there, I'm gonna feed you to the moths.
Shirley: That's my girl. (hugs Laverne, then pauses) I hope you're hungry because Lenny made a whole lot of oatmeal and fried spam. (jumps back onto her bed)
A few minutes later, Laverne walks out hesitantly to find Lenny cooking at the stove. Upon seeing her, he grins widely.
Lenny: Hi, Laverne! Want some spam? I made it extra crispy.
Laverne: Oh, sure, Len. Thanks. (he places the plate in front her) What's all that hard stuff?
Lenny: Oh, I burnt the first batch, but I didn't want to waste it so I just mixed it in with the second batch. The burnt parts taste a bit like barbeque. Enjoy!
Laverne: (taking his hand) I really appreciate this, Len, but---
Lenny: Yeah, well, I wanted to show you how much last night meant to me, Laverne.
Laverne: Aw, Len...I had a great time last night too...it was fun. But, it was no big deal or nothin'...you didn't have to make me (looks down at the spam) breakfast....at 8 o clock in the morning.
Lenny: Well, you know what they say, Laverne...the early bird gets the Spam.
Laverne: (smiles) That's a real sweet sentiment.
Lenny: Don't mention it. (pause) Hey, what do you say we go out again tonight? I saw this new Chinese place just opened up down the street.
Laverne: (pauses) Len, I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but...well, you know...we're friends and I don't know if dating and going out for Chinese is the best thing to do right now...you know, until we---
Lenny: What about a week from now?
Laverne: That might not be okay either.
Lenny: Why not? The Chinese place will still be open...I don't think they serve cats or nothin'....not like that place we used to go to.
Laverne: Lenny, that's not what I meant. I meant that we---
Lenny: (Standing up) Oh, I get it. Nevermind, Laverne. I see how it is.
Laverne: Len...you don't understand. It's not what you think.
Lenny: I understand, Laverne. What do I look like to you, some kind of idiot?
Laverne: No, you're not an idiot. I had a great time last night, one of the best dates I've had in months! It's just---
Lenny: Well, then, what's the problem?
Laverne: I just need time to think about it, that's all. Okay?
Lenny: Well, while you're thinkin'...I want you to know that the girl I was supposed to go out with last night called me late last night to apologize and now she wants to go on a date with me tomorrow night...so there. At first I said no because I was goin' with you...but now...anyway, while you're thinkin', I'll be out with her and who knows what could happen. We might even end up doing more than just dinner, if you know what I mean, Laverne. (long pause) Do you know what I mean, Laverne?
Laverne: (nodding) Yeah, I got it, Len.
Lenny: (angrily) Good!
Laverne: (standing up) Lenny, come on. That isn't fair and you know it!
Lenny: That isn't fair? That isn't fair? Oh, aren't I the crap that Squiggy dragged in...you won't go out with me, so I'll go out with someone who will...what isn't fair about that? Enjoy your Spam. I'll see you...whenever!
Laverne: Len, that isn't what I meant. I'm just confused. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. ...Len!
Lenny leaves as she calls after him. She starts to pout and begins to sob. Then she picks up a hunk of spam and eats it.
That night --- 9 PM.
Shirley: I don't know what you're so upset about...you didn't really want to go out with him anyway. I mean, Laverne...this is Lenny we're talking about.
Laverne: Well, that's the thing, Shirl. (pause) Sit down a minute, I need to talk to you.
Shirley: What? What is it?
Laverne: Okay---the reason I'm worried about Lenny and his date is because...here it goes....maybe, just maybe...I wasn't entirely repulsed at the idea of goin' on another date with him.
Shirley: Well, I know that, Vernie. I mean, Lenny is much better looking than Squiggy. At least he doesn't have pet moths or anything else hideous and disgusting. Besides that icky stuffed iguana.
Laverne: No, Shirl, that's not what I meant. I mean, last night, for the first time in a long time, I felt so comfortable on a date... like I didn't have to lie to get him to like me. He just---liked me...for who I was. I never had that before, Shirl. And to be honest, it scares me a little. I never dated a friend...let alone a Lenny-friend. The feeling just came as such a surprise that I panicked. I didn't know what to say to him. (pause) That kiss wasn't so bad either, Shirl. I mean, it really---
Shirley: Laverne, look at me. Look at me! You are not talking about the same Lenny! The Lenny we throw out of our apartment every night? The Lenny who bites his hand in lust every time he sees a tight sweater? Come on, Laverne. You can't be serious!
Laverne: (taking Shirley's hand in hers) I can be and I am. I wouldn't lie to you, honest.
Shirley: Laverne, I'm gonna go to the Pizza Bowl now to get our dinner. While I'm out, I suggest you take a nap. A long nap. Your mind seems to be growing a bit fuzzy from all that milk and pepsi you drink. When I come back, I hope you regain your senses.
Laverne: Shirl, be a friend, huh?
Shirley: Laverne, I know you're not exactly the pickiest fruit in the basket, but I thought you had some taste---I mean Lenny Kosnowski? You want little baby Lennies running around when you're 40? Is that what you want? All of them biting their palms? (pause) You just haven't been out in a while. You must be in a slump. I know what we'll do...I'll fix you up with Carmine's friend, Ace Becker. You would love him, he drives a forklift and everything. Just your type. I'll get his number and we'll double, okay?
Laverne: You don't understand, Shirl. But, it's okay. I didn't expect you to, knowin' what you look for in a guy.
Shirley: And what is that supposed to mean?
Laverne: Shirl, you know when it comes to guys, you can be a little shallow and judgmental. As long as he's a doctor and has lots of cash and nice clothes, you couldn't care less what he's like.
Shirley: (appalled) You have some nerve! Shallow? Judgmental? Well, excuse me for not wanting to marry Andrew Squiggman...my apologies for having some standards!
Laverne: Nevermind, Shirl. I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean it. Just forget it, okay? I'll handle it myself.
Shirley: No, Laverne. I'm sorry. It just caught me off guard. (pause) Look, if you like him, then it's okay by me.
Laverne: You swear?
Shirley: I pinky swear. (they pinky swear)
Laverne: Thanks, Shirl. (they hug) And I don't think you're shallow and judgmental. You just know what you want and that's okay, too.
Shirley: Thanks, Laverne. (pause) Hey, maybe you outta go upstairs and apologize to Lenny and tell him you're upset about his date.
Laverne: There's no use now, I hurt his feelings already. Besides, it's almost 9:30...they're probably already gone, him and that...bimbo.
Shirley: Well, did he say where they were gonna go?
Laverne: He mentioned this Chinese place...but I feel weird breaking up their date, Shirl. You know he doesn't get many. He probably got all dressed up and everything.
Shirley: I say you go down there right now and apologize to him. Right in front of everyone, that way he knows you mean it.
Laverne: Nah. (pause) I'll just sit here and hang out with you and my good old friend, Mr. Scooter Pie. (she takes one out of the box and opens it)
Shirley: Go, Laverne. Go to the Chinese place. You need to go. You'll just sit here and sulk all night if you don't.
Laverne: You really think I should?
Shirley: You should.
Laverne: I shouldn't.
Shirley: You should.
Laverne: I couldn't.
Shirley: You could! You know you're gonna go, so just go now.
Laverne: (pause) No, it's not right.
Shirley: Imagine the scene---Lenny passionately making out with some trashy bimbo while you sit here and eat yourself into oblivion with Scooter Pies! That's sad, Laverne. So sad. So very sad.
Laverne: I'm going. (grabs her coat, then looks back hesitantly) Shirl, I just don't---
Shirley: Get out! (Laverne leaves and she sighs) I always have to do everything myself.
Chinese Restaurant- 10 PM.
Lenny is sitting at a table by himself and the waiter is looking at him obviously annoyed.
Waiter: Excuse me, Sir? Would you like to order now?
Lenny: No, I'm still waiting for my date.
Waiter: No offense, Sir. But, she's nearly an hour late. Do you really think she's gonna show?
Lenny: She's gonna show. It's a blind date. Even if I was real ugly, she wouldn't know it.
Laverne enters wearing her pajamas underneath her blue winter coat. She sees Lenny sitting by himself and walks over to him. She comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. Lenny turns around and makes an angry face.
Lenny: (rolling his eyes) Oh, it's just you. I thought it was my date.
Lenny: What, you didn't hurt mey feelings enough this morning...now you wanna do it in public?
Laverne: (hits him) No, silly. I came here to apologize to you and to tell you---
Lenny: Well, this is no time for saying sorries, Laverne...in case you forgot, I got a hot date coming in a few minutes, so---
Laverne: I know that, Len. But, I thought maybe if I came down in person you might---I don't know...
Lenny: (perking up) Might what, Laverne?
Laverne: (makes a pouty face) Might---still wanna eat Chinese food with me?
Lenny: (a small smile creeps up on his face) What's in it for me?
Laverne: (laughs) I don't know. Maybe another goodnight kiss.
Lenny: (biting his palm, but then calming down) Hey Laverne---to tell you the truth...well, my date never showed up. Guess she didn't wanna date a loser like me neither.
Laverne: (sitting down across from him) Oh, Len...I'm sure it's nothing you did. She sounds like a jerk, anyway.
Lenny: Maybe I'm the jerk.
Laverne: You're not a jerk, Len. (pause) Listen, I came here because it really bothered me that you were gonna go out with that other girl...that's when I realized how jealous I was and...(long pause) well...maybe I wanna...try going out with you again, if it's okay with you.
Lenny: You mean that, Laverne?
Laverne: (smiling) Yeah, I mean that. Come here, you big dope. (she leans over and and they kiss)