Laverne and Shirley wasn't that great after Shirley left. I'm sure that we can all agree on that. So this story takes place about 10 months after Shirley and ::gags:: Walter's marriage. Let's just pretend that Laverne and Shirley never had any of those "Shirleyless" episodes.
Scene 1: Laverne's California Apt. Laverne is humming "Surfing USA" while making a tomato sandwich. Just when she is spreading her mayonnaise on the bread, Carmine bursts through the door. Laverne gets scared because she couldn't tell that it was Carmine at first, so her hand slips and the butter knife accidentally slips and cuts her thumb. She starts screaming.
CARMINE
That's it, I've had it I want to be alone!
LAVERNE
Well, why don't you go to your own apartment?
CARMINE
Well, sometimes you have to be with someone to be alone. I'm going to be
alone for the rest of my life anyway! Susie dumped me for some rich guy with
a crew cut, and Shirley's gone away overseas with that husband of hers.
LAVERNE
I'm going to go get a band-aid Carmine, then we'll talk. Okay?
CARMINE
No, I think that I'm going to watch a little TV. I can't believe that Shirley
hasn't written here in about a year. I swear, if I hear the words Shirley or
Letter. I'm going to go CRAZY. (he turns on the TV)
TV
Oh but I put a message in the mail for you! Well, surely you got the letter!
CARMINE
THAT'S IT!!!! (he turns off the TV)
LAVERNE
(coming down the stairs with a bandage on her left thumb) What's it?
CARMINE
I can't go on any longer, I'm going home and drowning my sorrows in soap
operas! I know that's what Shirley used to do. ("Perfidy in Blue")
Scene 2: Lenny and Squiggy's California Apt. Lenny is sitting at the table
that is close to the door. He is throwing grapes up in the air, and trying to
catch them in his mouth, but never does. The grapes are landing on the floor
along with all of the other junk that is in their apartment.
LENNY
Boy, I'm getting better at this everyday!
There is a knocking at the door. Lenny goes around picking everything up in sight to see what is making the noise. (i.e., Jeffery, the telephone...) He finally opens the door. He throws another grape up in the air, and tries to catch it. The person that was at the door was Shirley!!! She catches the grape and looks at him confused. She has a suitcase in her hands, along with Boo Boo Kitty, and she is about to cry. Lenny looks at her confused.
LENNY
Oh don't worry, it was only one grape! I'll be able to catch the next one!
SHIRLEY
(through tears) Oh this is more important than a grape! I'm doomed to a life
of despair.
LENNY
huh?
SHIRLEY
Walter and I have broken up! And I don't care what happens to him! For all I
know that little guy from the bare bottom of nowhere can come and take him
away!
SQUIGGY
(coming in to his apt) Hello! Oh, Lenny I see you have some company, well
I'll just go along and...
SHIRLEY
(interrupting) Squiggy! Oh I never thought that I'd say this, but boy, am I
happy to see you.
LENNY
Well, thank you.
SHIRLEY
Laverne isn't home, and I don't want to go to Carmine's for obvious reasons.
Lenny and Squiggy try to act like they know what she's talking about, but they really don't.
LENNY
And you came here because...
SHIRLEY
Because I thought that you guys would help me in my time of need.
Lenny starts biting his palm and Squiggy starts to make his noise.
SHIRLEY
Now, do I really need to remind you that just because I was married doesn't
mean that you don't have to apply to the same rules?
LENNY AND SQUIGGY
(disappointed) oh okay...
Then you hear Carmine's voice in the hallway.
CARMINE
Okay, Okay! I'll get the rent to ay Monday! I promise! Lenny and Squiggy owe
me something, and I'm gonna get it from them right now.
SHIRLEY
Oh no, I don't want him to see me. I don't want him saying all of his
I-told-you-sos.
She runs and hides in the bathroom leaving Lenny and Squiggy clueless. You hear her scream.
LENNY
(yelling towards the locked bathroom door) Just stay low, and you'll be safe!
(to Squiggy) I'm going to go tell Laverne who's here, boy won't she be
surprised!
Lenny leaves, and Squiggy goes to the bathroom door. He tries to open it, but
can't.
SQUIGGY (yelling through the door)
Aww, come on Shirley! You gotta come out sometime!
As the scene changes, Squiggy is still trying to get in to his bathroom.
SCENE 3 Laverne's Apartment. Laverne is in the kitchen making a pitcher of Milk and Pepsi. She tries a little bit of it.
LAVERNE
Needs more Pepsi.
She goes to the refrigerator to get another bottle of Pepsi. All of the sudden you hear footsteps that sound like running. They are coming closer to her apartment. All of the sudden, Lenny bursts through the door, through the living room, through the kitchen, and out the kitchen door. You hear a big crash and a moan. Laverne goes outside, and drags him in. He has a bunch of branches in him. One is behind his ear, another in his shirt pocket, and one in his left sock.
LAVERNE
Lenny, what's wrong?
LENNY
Not what! You mean who!!!
LAVERNE
Okay, who?
LENNY
Shirley.
LAVERNE (getting interested)
What about Shirley?
LENNY
Back to the what again!
LAVERNE
Lenny calm down!
LENNY
Shirley's in our apartment!!! Come on in and I'll show you!
LAVERNE
Oh no! Not another joke to try to get me to your apartment!
LENNY
No! I swear on Jeffery! She is in there!
LAVERNE
Well then this must be the real thing...
LENNY
Let's go!!!!
He gets up and drags Laverne over to his apartment.
Scene 4 Lenny and Squiggy's apartment. Carmine comes in to the apartment looking upset.
CARMINE
Hey, Squig, you owe me five bucks! I need it right now!
SQUIGGY
Not now Carm, I've got more important things to handle.
CARMINE
Like what?
SQUIGGY
Well, you're never going to guess who's in the bathroom.
CARMINE
Who's in the bathroom?
SQUIGGY
No, Who is on first! Shirley is in the bathroom!
CARMINE
Shirley who?
SQUIGGY
Here ya go again! Not Shirley Who! Shirley Feeney-Meeney!
CARMINE
What!?
Laverne and Lenny suddenly burst through the door. Laverne looks around.
LAVERNE
She's not here!
LENNY
Yes she is!
LAVERNE
Lenny, your mind is playing tricks on you!
SQUIGGY
No! I saw her too! My boy Lenny and I helped her get reacquainted with this
California habitat.
CARMINE
Let me at 'em Laverne!
LAVERNE
Well, that explains it! So that's why she's not here!
LENNY
No, that's why she's in the bathroom...
Scene 5 Lenny and Squiggy's bathroom. Shirley is crying in a corner. She opens her eyes and looks up to see some sort of fungus that is moving!!! Her eyes widen. She stands up VERY fast, and the "blob" falls to wear she was sitting.
SHIRLEY
Come on Boo Boo Kitty, we're getting out of here!
Scene 6 Lenny and Squiggy's living room. Shirley comes out of the bathroom crying hysterically, with Boo Boo Kitty in her arms.
LENNY (with his arms crossed like a little kid)
Told ya!
SHIRLEY
AWW boys! You didn't have to throw me a Happy Divorce party!
CARMINE
You and Walter aren't together anymore?
SHIRLEY
No, we just broke up.
Carmine opens his arms and yells "There is a GOD!"
SHIRLEY
What?
CARMINE
Nothing.
LAVERNE
Let's all go back to my place and talk this whole thing over!
Scene 7. Laverne's Apt. Everyone is either sitting on the couch or in a chair. Laverne, Shirley, and Carmine are sitting on the couch, and Lenny and Squiggy are in the chairs beside the couch, Everyone is talking at once. Laverne is getting very annoyed. She tries to whistle to get everyone's attention, but since she can't whistle she ends up yelling...
LAVERNE
Hold it!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone stops talking and Squiggy grabs a "Hi Sailor" pillow.
LAVERNE (Continued)
Squiggy, what are you doing?
SQUIGGY
Hi Sailor!
Laverne shakes her head in disbelief that anyone could be so stupid.
LAVERNE
Shirl, what happened?
SHIRLEY
Well, everything was just fine until that one night in England when Walter
just got home from work. We were in our bedroom and-
She gets interrupted with Squiggy's noise, and Lenny's palm biting. Laverne hits Squiggy with the "Hi Sailor" pillow, and he stops making his noise. Lenny notices that he is all alone in his act, so he stops.
SHIRLEY (continued)
As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted...
She glares at Lenny and Squiggy. Squiggy is now fixing his hair. Carmine is on the end of the couch that is closest to Squiggy, he has a sick look on his face because of Squiggy's hair. He moves over closer to Shirley.
SHIRLEY
Are we done yet?
CARMINE
Yes, go on.
SHIRLEY
Anyway ... everything was just fine until that one night in England when
Walter just got home from work. We were in our bedroom and talking. (glares
at Lenny and Squiggy) He was telling me about the fire-engine-red limousine
that pulled up into the hospital that day. I told him about how you (points
at Carmine) always wanted one of those, and he told me that I'd better stop
talking about you guys, or stop talking to him. So that did it. I made my
choice. The choice any woman would make. I packed up my things and Boo Boo
Kitty and came straight home.
LAVERNE
(unmoved) Well I'm moved!
LENNY
Well I'm not moved! I'm still sitting right here!
Just then, a man storms in with Rhonda behind him. The "man" is WALTER!!! He has a bandage across his face. He looks a lot like Carmine!
WALTER
Shirley Feeney-Meeney!
SQUIGGY
Miney Moe
LENNY
Catch a tiger by the toe.
SHIRLEY/CARMINE/LAVERNE/WALTER
Shut up!!!!
They stop.
WALTER
How could you leave like that! and also why didn't you introduce me to her
before? (motioning to Rhonda)
RHONDA
and Shirley how could you leave him, Rhonda would never leave a successful
doctor like him!
WALTER
See, Rhonda understands me, how could you have left! (turning to Rhonda)
What do you say we have dinner since we have so much in common
RHONDA
Well, don't you want to talk to your wife?
WALTER
(looks at Shirley, then back at Rhonda) We'll talk later. Lets go.
RHONDA
well, all right
Walter and Rhonda exit
LAVERNE
How could you let him go with Rhonda like that Shirl!
SHIRLEY
He is the last thing on my mind now! I'd much rather be here with my friends
and my real family!
LENNY
Shirl, weren't you a little...ummm...heftier the last time we saw you?
Shirley looks like she is about to cry.
CARMINE
Hey Len, watch it with those comments! Can't you see that you upset her? She
couldn't help that?
Shirley starts to cry A LOT!
LAVERNE
Hey Shirl, I'm sure Len didn't mean it.
SHIRLEY
(crying) No, it's not his words that upset me. It's more Carmine's!
Carmine and Laverne are very confused while Lenny and Squiggy have relieved looks on their faces.
CARMINE
What do you mean?
SHIRLEY
(through tears) The part where you said, "She couldn't help it." I couldn't
help it! I couldn't! I had him right in my arms! He had too small of a heart.
It stopped working after my only 10 minutes with him.
LAVERNE
With who Shirl?
SHIRLEY
With Todd!
CARMINE
Who?
SHIRLEY
My baby! When the doctors told me that he wasn't going to be all right, I
didn't know what to do. Little Toddy boy, my poor boy. He was born too early,
and died too early.
Carmine is trying to comfort Shirley, and Laverne is looking for a box of tissues.
LAVERNE
Where are my tissues!? I know that I have some!
LENNY
Maybe they have something to do with this lump that I'm sitting on.
He pulls out a squished box of tissues, and brings it around to everyone. No one wants any.
LAVERNE
Never mind we'll use toilet paper.
CARMINE
Shirl, umm...just to forget all of this misery that you've been through, do
you want to have dinner with me? (looking at Lenny, Squiggy, and Laverne)
Just the two of us.
SHIRLEY
Yes, I'd love to. Only no discount Chinese food okay?
CARMINE
Only the best for my Angelface.
Scene 8: Restaurant, "Cafe Le Fister". Shirley and Carmine are sitting at a table talking.
CARMINE
Oh, and do you remember the time where Laverne convinced you to do that cake
show, and when I found out I covered you up?
SHIRLEY
Carmine, not so loud.
CARMINE
Sorry.
SHIRLEY
Do you remember when Laverne wanted to sing for Hoot Night? But when she
asked you to pick out a song for her you picked out an instrumental?
CARMINE
Oh yeah! And she thought I was kidding! Who can forget the time when you
wanted to buy a car, but Laverne was afraid to drive, and she got so mad that
she yelled out the window...
SHIRLEY (interrupting)
STOP!!
CARMINE
Sorry.
SHIRLEY
We have had some great times haven't we?
We go to flashbacks of previous episodes....
The song "Happy Together" sung by the Turtles is playing in the backround.
Carmine singing to Shirley in "Laverne and Shirley Move In".
Carmine holding Shirley in "The Bachelor Party"
Shirley dancing with Carmine in "One Flew Over Milwaukee"
Shirley doing her "Laverne walk" in "The Pact"
Shirley Sitting on Carmine's lap while he is sitting on Laverne and Sonny in
"The Dating Game"
Shirley "Shimmying" over to Carmine in "The Robbery"
Shirley talking to Carmine with a lampshade on her head in "Date With
Eraserhead"
Shirley and Carmine looking over the car in the beginning of "Drive She Said"
Shirley trying to find Laverne because of the phone bill, but sees Carmine
when he first arives in "Grand Opening"
Shirley and Carmine in the "Doctor" scene in "That's Entertainment"
Shirley and Carmine kissing in the opera scene in "That's Entertainment"
Shirley and Carmine tied together as part of Lenny and Squiggy's magic act in
"A Visit to the Cemetery"
Carmine and Shirley arguing while hugging "the big gooey pole" in "The
Festival Part 2"
Carmine and Shirley Singing to eachother in "Sing Sing Sing"
Shirley interviewing Carmine before his comedy number in "But Seriously Folks"
Carmine apologizing to Shirley in "Shirley and the Older Man"
and finally, Shirley and Carmine kissing at the end of their "wedding" in "I
Do, I Don't.
We go back to Shirley and Carmine's Table at the restaurant.
SHIRLEY
This is all so wonderful! I heard you had a new girlfriend. Is that true?
CARMINE
I did, but, we broke up. No one could take your place.
Shirley smiles.
CARMINE (continued)
Shirl, Angelface, (gets down on his knee) I know that you're just getting
over Walter and Todd, but I've waited so long to say this that I just can't
wait any longer. Shirley Feeney, will you marry me?
SHIRLEY
Oh Carmine, I'm so overwhelmed! So much has happened today! I still love you
as much as I loved you when we were going out. So I'm going to say...(takes a
deep breath)
CARMINE
yeah...
SHIRLEY
I'm going to say yes!
CARMINE
Oh Shirl, here's your ring. I bought it the day you told me you were going to
marry Walter, along with the flowers. I didn't know at the time you were
engaged. I made up that story about meeting a girl on my vacation so you
wouldn't feel bad.
SHIRLEY
Oh Carmine! That's so sweet!
They kiss.
SCENE 9 Cowboy Bills. Laverne and Frank are busy serving people. Lenny and Squiggy are arm wrestling at a table. Shirley and Carmine run in. Someone is singing, and Frank wants them to be quiet. Shirley points at her ring. Laverne, Frank, and Squiggy think it's charades.
LAVERNE
Aww, Shirl, now's not the time for charades! Can't you see I'm busy?
FRANK
Shhhh!!!
Shirley points to her ring again.
SQUIGGY
What did you cut your finger on a beer can? Go get a band-aid.
Shirley motions her ring on her finger, then points to Carmine. She does this several times.
LAVERNE
What? Carmine cut your finger on a beer can? Why'd you do that Carmine?
Shirley is getting very annoyed. Lenny walks over.
LENNY
Oh Charades! Let me guess! Carmine and Shirley are getting married?
Shirley puts her finger on her nose. And the person on stage ends their song.
LAVERNE
Oh I get it! You pointed to the ring because...because you're really getting
married!!!
SHIRLEY/CARMINE
YES!!
Laverne looks at the two of them...and faints.
SHIRLEY
Laverne? Laverne?
SCENE 10 Rhonda and Walter are at a Chinese Restaurant. Rhonda is wearing that Chinese outfit that she has. Wig and all, and Walter is wearing a kimono. One of Rhonda's eyelashes just fell off.
RHONDA
Oh, well its to be expected these are from a store in San Diego, never get
fake hair there. The best place is always Beverly Hills.
WALTER
Beverly Hills..or France?
RHONDA
Not France, Monaco
WALTER/RHONDA
France and Beverly Hills!
WALTER
You know, I've never met anyone that knew as much about fake hair as I do.
RHONDA
Yeah, well, Rhonda has a gift.
WALTER
Well, I think that it's time that we go.
They get up and push their chairs in. On the way out they see a mirror. They stop to admire themselves. The doorman has to push them out.
SCENE 11 Laverne's apartment. Everyone is making a big deal out of Carmine and Shirley's wedding. Laverne is calling someone to park cars. Lenny and Squiggy are arguing about who is going to be the best man.
LENNY
Remember Shirl and Carmine's other wedding? I brought the rice! Did I not?
SQUIGGY
Oh yeah? Well, I brought the Roni jerk!
Meanwhile, Frank is sitting on the couch talking to Shirley about this. She has been through a lot with in the last year.
FRANK
Shirley, are you sure about this, I mean, you have worn a wedding dress 3
times already..and the last one was a hospital gown!
SHIRLEY
I know that Mr. DeFazio, but do you remember how long Carmine and I went out
for? We even almost got married!
FRANK
Almost, but didn't. Just think about this...
we go to flashbacks of all of Shirley's weddings. The song "Chances Are" by Johnny Mathis is playing in the backround.
Carmine and Shirley in disguise crossing the threshhold at Hotel le Fister in
"Honeymoon Hotel"
Laverne, Fonzie, Shirley, and Richie at their "barnyard wedding" in "Shotgun
Wedding part 2"
Laverne and Shirley, drunk as skunks, almost marrying the rock stars in "I Do
I Do"
Laverne dancing to the "Lullaby of Broadway" in "I Do, I Don't"
and finally, Shirley marrying a mummy in "The Mummy's Bridge"
We zoom over to Laverne. She is still on the phone.
LAVERNE
You can!? Oh great! Yeah, Saturday, July 12th 9:00am. Thanks!
She hangs up the phone.
Shirl, Carmine, you have your driver set!
SHIRLEY
Great!
Rhonda and Walter come storming in with smiles on their faces.
RHONDA
Rhonda has some wonderful news for you!
SHIRLEY
Yeah, well, Carmine and I have some news for you, Walter.
RHONDA/WALTER/SHIRLEY/CARMINE
We're getting married!!!
SHIRLEY
Wait a minute, how'd you guys know we were getting married?
WALTER
No, how'd you know that we're (points to himself and Rhonda) are getting
married?
SHIRLEY
Well, I'm marrying Carmine!
WALTER
Well, I'm marrying Rhonda!
SHIRLEY
Well, that's your choice!
RHONDA
Well, Rhonda doesn't need to take this!
LAVERNE
Yeah, well she can take this!
Laverne takes a pie out of the refrigerator and puts it right in Rhonda's face.
RHONDA
Oh no! Rhonda's $24.95 each eyelashes from Beverly Hills, ruined!
WALTER
Oh that's okay Rhonda, maybe we can save it.
Rhonda and Walter run out.
SHIRLEY
Thanks Laverne.
LAVERNE
Hey, you're my best friend.
SCENE 12: Laverne's bedroom. Shirley is looking through a box of old things. Laverne comes in.
LAVERNE
What'cha doing Shirl?
SHIRLEY
Oh, just soring through some old memories.
LAVERNE
Oh.
Laverne sees some of the things in the box. She finds a flag that says "Proud to be Italian". (From "The Festival") Shirley picks up their old highschool year book.
SHIRLEY
Oh remember all of these cute poems that everyone wrote in here?
LAVERNE (looking at the book)
Oh yeah, like Lenny's? "When you're old and drinking tea, burn your tongue
and remember me." Gees!
SHIRLEY
Oh, here's Squiggy's. "Roses are red. Lillies are white. Here is my name to
prove I can write." Look at that (shows Laverne the book) he spelled
"Squiggy" with a "T".
LAVERNE
That's Squiggy alright! Wait what did I write?
SHIRLEY
How can you forget? "Have a great summer. Love, Laverne." Honestly Laverne
couldn't you think of anything better?
LAVERNE
Like what?
SHIRLEY
Well, like, what I wrote!
LAVERNE
Oh here we go again!
They both read together. Laverne is annoyed and Shirley is proud.
LAVERNE/SHIRLEY
If in heaven we don't meet,
Hand and hand will bare the heat,
And if it ever gets too hot,
Pepsi Cola hits the spot.
SHIRLEY
Now that's a beauty of a poem!
LAVERNE
Let's put the yearbook away for now...
SHIRLEY
Okay.
Shirley puts the yearbook back in the box.
LAVERNE
Hey Shirl, you're not going to back out on marrying Carmine again are you?
SHIRLEY
Last time, I was too young, rushing into things too much, not sure of myself,
and scared to death. This time, I'm just scared to death.
LAVERNE
What are you afraid of Shirl?
SHIRLEY
I'm afraid of those words... I was fine last time until the vows. Laverne,
what if this marrige turns out to be like my and Walter's marrige?
LAVERNE
Shirl, this isnt at all like your marriage to Walter. When you were engaged
to Walter I had a bad feeling from the start. You had hardly dated and, hey,
I didnt even know his last name until after you were about to walk down the
aisle!
SHIRLEY
I knew his name. At least Carmine's name doesn't make mine sound like a
nursery rhyme.
LAVERNE
Mrs. Shirley Ragusa
SHIRLEY
Just like i used to write on papers in high school....
LAVERNE
See? You two are destined. I'd be shocked if you didn't end up together.
SHIRLEY
You mean that?
LAVERNE
Pinky swear.
(they do the little pinky swear thing and hug)
SHIRLEY
Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I have to get a dress, caterer,
orchestra, flowers, and so on and so on.....
LAVERNE
Wait, I'll come with you.
SHIRLEY
Great, now im thinking white satin with some sort of sheer edging, maybe
some rosettes and lace...
LAVERNE
Sure you dont want to go with that "here we go again red"? (Shirley shoots
her an evil glare as she opens the door to leave)
SHIRLEY
We're going for classy and sophisticated not here we go again!
SCENE 13: Dress Store. Laverne and Shirley are looking for a wedding dress. Shirley has just come out of her dressing room. She has the most beautiful dress on. She's not missing a moment of the fun. She's dancing with mannequins, adoring herself in the mirror, etc...Laverne looks very embarrassed.
SHIRLEY (going over to Laverne)
Laverne, this is it! This is THE dress!
LAVERNE
It's much better than that hospital gown. Now what about my dress huh?
SHIRLEY
Oh right, your dress, I think this dress is just perfect (shuffling through
racks) try it on!
5 minutes later...
Laverne comes out of her dressing room with a dress that looks almost exactly like what she wore in "The Deputant Ball"
LAVERNE
Shirl, remember what happened the last time I wore one of these? Now all
Royalty thinks Milwaulkee wears dresses made of fruit!
SHIRLEY
Okay, okay, let's find something else.
LAVERNE
Shirl, I'm sorry I said that. One more thing, don't make me wear "here we go
again red" either.
SHIRLEY
I'm looking! I'm looking! (looking through racks) I'm sorry Laverne, they
just don't make nice dresses in your size!
LAVERNE
What are you talking about MY size?
SHIRLEY
Well, the only place I find your size is in the maternity section!
LAVERNE
Maternity section!? There's gotta be a size 10 in there!!!
Laverne finds a great dress.
LAVERNE
Well how do you like that Miss I'm a perfect size 5 barbie bride!?
SHIRLEY
I'm sorry Laverne, that dress looks nice
LAVERNE
Thank you. Shirl, are you nevous yet?
SHIRLEY
No, not really...yes, yes I'm totally freaked!
LAVERNE
But I bet Carmine is too...I'll bet he's at his apartment worrying that
everything goes well.
SCENE 14: Cowboy Bills. Carmine's bachelor party. Frank, Lenny, Squiggy, and Carmine are all sitting at a table. Thanks to Squiggy, instead of getting dirty pictures, they got "Woody Woodpecker" by mistake. So they are all watching that.
CARMINE
Mr. DeFazio, hit the lights, I can't take this anymore.
LENNY
What are you crazy!? We're just getting to the best part!
CARMINE
So, what's the point?
SQUIGGY
What's the point!? What's the point!? The ending is the whole reason for the
beginning and middle!
Despite what Lenny and Squiggy say, Frank turns on the lights.
FRANK
Carmine, I can tell you're blue. Are you having second thoughts about this
wedding?
SQUIGGY
I don't think he's gonna go through with it!
LENNY
I think that he will!
SQUIGGY
Do you want a bet?
LENNY
Five bucks says they will!
SQUIGGY
All my Hair Tonic money says they wont!
FRANK
Boys, you shouldn't bet on stuff like that. (Whispering to Squiggy) Can I get
ten bucks in on that they wont?
CARMINE
Well, I'll settle this and bet two hundred that we will!
FRANK
I'd like to make a toast!
Everyone holds up their beer bottles.
FRANK (continued)
To carmine, may he and shirley finally get married. Well not really, but may
I win the bet, and they get married next week some time.
SQUIGGY
Hair. Hair.
CARMINE
Don't you mean "here, here"?
SQUIGGY
Well, since I'm betting all of my Hair Tonic Money, it's "Hair Hair"
SCENE 15: Laverne's apartment. It's dark. Laverne is unlocking the door to get herself and Shirley in when suddenly...
PEOPLE AT SHIRLEY'S SUPRISE WEDDING SHOWER
Suprise!!!
LAVERNE/SHIRLEY
EDNA!?
SHIRLEY
How, when, why, who?
EDNA
Frank called me and told me about you and Carmine's wedding. I wasn't going
to miss it!
LAVERNE
And I thought that you'd want the Debs here, so I called them up, and Rosie
came here with the deal.
10 minutes later. Shirley is opening her presents.She opens Laverne's present first. It's a "Fredricks of Hollywood Nightie." She looks at it, and closes the box quickly.
SHIRLEY
Laverne, the way your mind works!
LAVERNE
Do you want me to return it?
SHIRLEY
I didn't say that.
LAVERNE
Well, do you?
SHIRLEY
We'll see.
Laverne gives Shirley a smile like she knows that she's going to keep it. Shirley shoots a dont-turn-my-bridal-shower-into-smut-fest look and proceeds in opening gifts.
LAVERNE
So Rosie, no cracks about me being the last single Angora Deb?
ROSE
No, I've discovered single life again.
SHIRLEY
I thought that you were married to a doctor.
ROSE
Were in the word alright, the seperation was final a couple weeks ago.
LAVERNE
Well, when you go out with a buch of sailors--
SHIRLEY (interrupting)
We're both very sorry Rose.
ROSE
Yeah, well, that still doesn't stop old Rosie from having fun.
LAVERNE
Why is it that no one around here is upset about getting divorced?
SCENE 16: Church. The bride's dressing room. Edna and Laverne are getting ready, and helping Shirley get ready.
SHIRLEY
Edna, we could never get a hold of you! How did you find out about our
wedding?
EDNA
Well, Frank called me. He said that you and Carmine were getting married! I
couldn't miss it for the world! He also told me that Rhonda and Walter were
getting married.
LAVERNE
I wonder if anyone came...
SCENE 17: Rhonda and Walter's Wedding. No one is there except Walter, Rhonda, and a Priest.
PRIEST
I now pronouse you man and..man and..
WALTER
Wife, they ran out of brides at the store so we had to get two grooms.
SCENE 18: Back at Shirley's dressing room.
SHIRLEY
I offered Squiggy a salami if he went to their wedding instead of ours, but
he said something about his hair counting on this wedding...
EDNA
Same old Squiggy.
SHIRLEY
Well, how do I look?
LAVERNE
Shirl, you forgot your veil.
SHIRLEY
Oh yeah. (puts on the veil) Now how do I look?
LAVERNE
Perfect! Hey Shirl, you'll give me details on tonight won't you?
SHIRLEY
Laverne! The way your mind works!
LAVERNE
Yeah...Will you please!?
Shirley smiles.
SHIRLEY
Of coarse!
SCENE 19: The Chapel. Everyone is ready for the wedding. The music begins.You see Laverne and Lenny come out first. Squiggy comes out next holding Boo Boo Kitty. "Here Comes the Bride Begins". Shirley and Mr. DeFazio come out with Edna holding the back of Shirley's dress. Carmine, naturally, is already at the alter. They all reach the alter. Edna and Frank are off to the side standing together, and Squiggy, Laverne, and Lenny are off to the other side standing together. Shirley motions for Squiggy to give Laverne Boo Boo Kitty. Lenny blows his nose very loudly.
LAVERNE
Lenny!
LENNY
What?
LAVERNE
Never mind.
Lenny looks offended.
PRIEST
Shall we begin? Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of
these witnesses to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy
matrimony and to dedicate them to each other's happiness and well being as
lifemates and partners.
Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?
FRANK
I do.
PRIEST
I charge you both as you stand in the presence of God, to remember that true
love and loyalty alone will avail as the foundation of a happy home. If the
solemn vows you are about to make be kept inviolate, and if you steadfastly
endeavor to do the will of your heavenly Father, your lives will be full of
joy, and the home you are about to establish will abide in peace.
No other human ties are more tender, no other vows are more sacred than those you are about to assume. You are entering into the holy estate which is the deepest mystery of experience, and which is the very sacrament of divine love.
Carmine Ragusa, will you have Shirley Feeney to be your wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony; will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her, so long as you both shall live?
SHIRLEY
I do! I mean he does. Ooops.
CARMINE
I do.
PRIEST
and Shirley Feeney, will you have Carmine to be your wedded husband to live
together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony; will you
submit to him, serve him, love, honor, and keep him, in sickness and in
health, and, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him, so long as
you both shall live?
Shirley pauses.
LAVERNE
Now you say "I do."
SHIRLEY
I do!
PRIEST
You may place the rings on eachothers fingers.
Shirley and Carmine do so.
PRIEST
And now it is my happy privilege to congratulate and introduce to you Mr. and
Mrs. Carmine Ragusa. You may kiss the bride.
Shirley and Carmine kiss, the music plays, and everyone walks down the isle.
SCENE 20: Rhonda and Walter's wedding. Rhonda and Walter are walking down the isle. There is no one there.
RHONDA
Rhonda has never been so happy in her life! Except maybe that one time her
perm came out just right.
WALTER
That's right! Till depth do us part!
SCENE 21: Shirley and Carmine's wedding. Outside of the church. Everyone is happy for Shirley and Carmine. Laverne is talking to them.
LAVERNE
Hey, you guys. I have a suprise for you.
SHIRLEY
Another suprise! What could it be?
A fire-engine red limo pulls up.
SQUIGGY
Oh look Len, a Lime-o.
CARMINE
Boy, I'd love to be the guy in this thing.
LAVERNE
You are!
CARMINE
Huh!?
LAVERNE
That's the suprise!
Shirley and Carmine start screaming.
LAVERNE
Well go on and get in! We'll see you at the hotel!
Shirley and Carmine get in. The limo drives off into the sunset. It has a sign on the back that says just married. Meanwhile, the rest of the group gets into Lenny and Squiggy's ice cream truck and follows them to the hotel.
SCENE 22: Shirley and Carmine's wedding reception.
ANNOUNCER
For the first time here is Mr. and Mrs. Ragusa!
Shirley and Carmine come in and everyone applauds.
ANNOUNCER
Let's start this off with a spotlight dance.
Shirley and Carmine start to dance to music that the band is playing. Everyone else joins in. Laverne and Lenny. Edna and Frank. Squiggy and that girl with the beehive from "Date with Eraserhead", "Sing Sing Sing" and "Lenny's Crush".
SHIRLEY
Oh I'm so overwhelmed. I think that I'm going to cry.
She starts crying.
CARMINE
Shirl, you don't need to be overwhelmed! Just relax, Mrs. Ragusa.
SHIRLEY
Mrs. Ragusa. Oh I like that!
Cut to Laverne and Lenny.
LAVERNE
I love weddings.
LENNY
Yeah those two were made for eachother. Just like Heckle and Jeckle, Amos and
Andy, Lucy and Ricky, Ken and Barbie, Adam and Eve, Rocky and Bullwinkle,
Boris and Natasha, Noah and his ark, penutbutter and jelly, Paris and France,
rubber and cement--
LAVERNE
Stop!
Cut to Frank and Edna.
FRANK
I can't believe it!
EDNA
What that they got married?
FRANK
No, that they're not serving Italian food!
EDNA
You never change Frank.
FRANK
I know. I still love you, Edna.
ANNOUNCER
Okay, the bride is going to throw the bouqet now! All single women please
step on to the dance floor.
Shirley stands on a chair to add some height. As she throws the bouquet Lenny walks across the floor to the refreshment table. All of the girls are screaming. The bouquet bounces off of Lenny's head, and lands in Laverne's arms.
LAVERNE
Thanks Len!
FRANK (looks up)
Thanks God!
Edna comes out with a beautiful wedding cake. It has a bride and Groom on top. Laverne is trying to keep Lenny and Squiggy from pouncing on it. Everyone is fawning over the cake.
EDNA
Well, thank you.
SQUIGGY
Not you, the cake.
Edna shoots him a dirty look.
EDNA
Shirley, Carmine, this is my gift to you. May I suggest that you save a piece
or two in your freezer for your anniversary next year.
Shirley and Carmine stare at it in amazement.
EDNA (CONT'D)
Well, come on you two are you going to cut it or not?
They both cut the cake together, and start passing out peices.
EDNA (CONT'D)
So, if I may ask, where do you to plan to go on your honeymoon?
SHIRLEY
Well, actually, we decided the other day.
LAVERNE
Where? Bermuda? Hawaii? Where?
CARMINE
Actually, we're going back to Milwaulkee for a week.
SHIRLEY
Yeah, we booked that honeymoon suite at the Hotel Fister and are going back
to high school, where we first met.
CARMINE
I just hope whoever has Shirl's locker now doesn't mind us hanging around it.
LAVERNE/EDNA
Awww
LENNY
So, ya taking us with ya or not?
SHIRLEY
What are you crazy!?
Laverne rolls her eyes.
The doorman comes in.
DOORMAN
Your bags are waiting in the car Mr. and Mrs. Ragusa.
SHIRLEY
I love the way that sounds!
They head for the doorway with the rest of the gang following.
SQUIGGY
Ya know, if you want to add some class, you could take the ice cream truck
instead of that lime-o there.
CARMINE
Thanks Squig, but I think we'll pass.
LAVERNE
Go back to the apartment for me while your there!
SHIRLEY
Will do.
LAVERNE
And see if my L is still there!
EDNA
Have a great time you two!
LAVERNE
Say hi to everyone at the brewery! And remember, your giving details!
CARMINE
What?
SHIRLEY
Nothing dear, yes Laverne!
LENNY
Bon Trip!
Everyone says goodbye. Shirley and Carmine get into the limo, and they're off to Millwaulkee.
NOTES:
LAVERNE DeFAZIO stayed in Burbank until she married Leonard Kowsnowski three years later. They moved out to Milwaulkee and lived next door to Shirley and Carmine. Laverne went back to night school and faced her fears to become an airline stewardess.
SHIRLEY FEENEY-RAGUSA lives happily with her husband Carmine, and her two children. They have a collie named Dave. Shirley and Carmine live in a two story colonial with a white picket fence in Milwaulkee, Wisconsin.
CARMINE RAGUSA: lives happily with his wife, Shirley, and two kids in Milwaulkee, Wisconsin. He is head choreographer/ dance and singing teacher in Milwaulkee's top Dancing/Acting/Singing school.
LEONARD KOWSNOWSKI marries Laverne DeFazio three years later. They also move back to Milwaulkee. Lenny now owns a beer and ice cream business in Milwaulkee, Wisconsin.
ANDREW (Squiggy) SQUIGGMAN moves back to Milwaulkee. He now works at Shotz Brewery as the beer taster, and he doesn't get dizzy either. He stays The Beehive girl followed him back to Milwaulkee again.
FRANK AND EDNA DeFAZIO remarried, and stayed in Burbank and turned Cowboy Bills into a successful restaurant through out the West.
RHONDA AND WALTER MEENEY move to Monaco and are said to have opened a fake hair boutique with large statues of themselves outside. Sonny St. Jacque teamed up with them some time later. No one ever sees or hears from them again.