Author: Emily L. and Ashley
Email: lavennyfic@gmail.com
Category: Comedy, romance, and ...fairy tale?

Rating: PG (mild sexual activity and sexual references)

Het/Gen/Bi: Het

Parts: 1/1

Spoilers: None.

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to us, they belong to Paramount. Don’t sue us - we might cry.
Pairing: LDF/LK, SF/CR
Distribution: Our fic stays on the archive for now - e-mail us if you have any requests.

Authors Notes: None.

Setting: California
Summary: A demented fairy tale featuring the characters established in the operetta scene from "That's Entertainment". This version of the scene isn't musical, and it ends with a twist.

Mamie Ravellini, a petite brunette with porcelain skin, sat on the cold, wooden chair in her cold, hard kitchen and bemoaned her fate. "Oh, Carmine," she said, dabbing a slightly soiled linen handkerchief at her eye, "where, oh, where can you be? Down by the riverside? Things are in such a state of disarray." At that very moment, a carrier pigeon landed on her windowsill. "Pigeon! Please deliver this note," she said as she scrawled something nearly illegible on a piece of paper, "to Carmine. Tell him to bring the rent, and soon! For if he does not, surely our evil landlord will but have our guts for garters!"

It was then that Mamie's unscrupulous little sister Brunhilda burst through the front door. "Mamie! You'll never guess what happened! I met the most wonderful guy in the world! Gosh, what a man with paper hands does for a -"

"Please, Brunhilda! Do not muddle my thoughts with such filth! Besides, I am actively awaiting my beloved Carmine, for he is coming to save the day!"

"HELLO!" shouted the Baron Squigliacci, bounding through the entrance way. "Yes, it is I," he shouted. He was a man of dubious means with slick, black hair which gave definition to his beady eyes. "It is I, the Baron Squigliacci. And this is my trusted assistant, Leonard Feather."

To Mamie, Leonard seemed but an average fellow of below average intelligence and an above average ability to accessorize. To Brunhilda, however, Leonard Feather was a tall drink of blonde water on a scorching, humid day. As Mamie and the Baron exchanged looks that would slice Sylvester Stallone in half, Brunhilda and Leonard gazed at one another smolderingly.

"Do you have the rent?" asked Squigliacci.

"What rent?" Mamie fired back, defiantly. Wee she was, but aye, what a spitfire!

"The money that you owe me," he answered.

"We don't owe you nothin'," was Brunhilda's response as she primped and smoothed down a flaxen braid.

"If you care not to cooperate," Squigliacci replied, "I will have Feather boy over here throw you out on your haunches!" At first, that idea seemed appealing to Brunhilda, as she raked her eyes down Leonard's bare arms, but she eventually came to her senses.

"Mamie... I guess we're gonna have to get the money somehow, or it's curtains for us!"

"How do you propose we get the money?" she squealed, filled with worry. "Should we ask our father?" Brunhilda looked into the eyes of her wise sister, and they silently agreed this would be the best idea.

"Hey, Pop!" Brunhilda hollered. "Can you get your mozzarella-covered hands off of that geisha doll for one minute and come help us out? If ya don't give us the money for this rent, we're gonna be thrown out on our... what're they called again?"

"Haunches," Squigliacci calmly replied.

"Yeah, our haunches!"

"Alright, enough already!" Father Ravellini screamed, waddling out from behind the burgundy curtains that were awkwardly placed in the living area. "Mamie, my child, what is going on? Who are these men? What do they want?"

"Father, this is our evil landlord, the Baron Squigliacci, and this appears to be his bumbling yet trusted assistant Leonard..."

"FEATHER!" Brunhilda and Leonard yelled together.

"Yes, yes, Feather. I should have noted that from his atrocious attire. Father, they're both here to kick us to the curb because the rent money is late!"

"Well, where's Carmine?" Father asked.

"I can never be too sure, and I sent a message to him via carrier pigeon, but he's probably awaiting the perfect opportunity to make a grand, singing entrance," she retorted.

"Ooh, Lenny, a 'spec-tac-a-lur'," the Baron mused.

At that moment, the awkward geisha spoke up, her head wobbling from side to side much like a bobble-head doll, who just happened to be her long lost relative. "Kind sirs, can this be true?"

"You bet your booties," the Baron and his assistant replied.

"Look, why do you need your money so fast?" inquired Father.

The Baron planted himself firmly and answered, "I need to get my drink on."

"Pardon?" asked Father.

"His drink." Leonard replied. "You see, I play the music, he drinks the booze. Our lives are dedicated to good times and money in the bank."

"And womanizing," Squigliacci added, his voice twisting into a disturbing whine while Leonard bit his palm, his eyes wandering over to Brunhilda. She moved in his direction, linking her arm with his feathered one and blowing in his ear.

"Brunhilda!" Mamie shrieked. "What on earth are you doing?" Brunhilda winked at Leonard, then sauntered over the Mamie. Grabbing her wrist, Brunhilda whispered seethingly, "I'm tryin' to save our behinds, here! I'm tryin' to take his mind of the bucks and onto the-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS."

"Then quit botherin' me! I'm tryin' to stall him until Carmine gets here."

It was then that Carmine, dressed in full clown garb, entered their home. Mamie gasped in surprise.

"This is my beloved Carmine!" she yelped. "He's here to kick you two moochers in the pants!"

"Oh yeah?" Squiliacci replied, whipping out his sword. "Then he's going to have to deal with fighting with me while I wear my love clothes." At that, he ripped off his jacket to reveal a slightly distressed pair of Batman pajamas.

"Are you crazy?!" Mamie screeched. 

The Baron shook his slimy little head.  "I never met a woman yet that didn't love Bruce Wayne."

"All right, all right," Carmine said.  "Let's just get this over with so I can kick your scrawny behind and be done with it."

"Scrawny behind?!" Squigliacci contested.  "Did you hear that Leonard?  Leonard?"

But Leonard was too preoccupied by the lovely Brunhilda. 

"Nobody threatens me with a weapon," yelped the Baron.  "En garde!"

Squigliacci drew his sword and Carmine followed suit.  "Okay," Carmine said, "but don't say I didn't warn you.  I'm the fencing champion of France."

"Funny, I once knew a golden gloves champ of Milwaukee," the Baron said.  Then, he turned to Leonard.  "You didn't tell me he was the champ!"

"Sorry," Leonard replied, but Leonard could have cared less about his leader.  For in his arms, he held the most beautiful being he had seen. 

"Shall we get this show on the road?" Carmine asked, pointing is toe and assuming the proper position.

"Traveling actors," Squigliacci scoffed, "they always must use their own lingo." And with that, they entered their duel.

Everyone was pulled into the fight - Mamie wept, Father danced about, the geisha bobbed her head in excitement, and Brunhilda and Leonard were so turned on by all of the action that began making out only a hair's-breadth away from the clashing swords. Mere seconds into the duel, all was silenced. Carmine managed to spear the Baron Squigliacci by distracting him with his strolling minstrel powers. Mamie's heart swelled with pride, and while Squigliacci's trusted assistant was disappointed, he had found something new to shed his love upon - the young Brunhilda.

"Oh, Carmine my love! I love you so! Please Carmine - don't make me wait for you to ask for my hand in marriage!"

"Mamie, darling... you don't mean..." he questioned, raising his dark eyebrows.

"Why of course not! That's my sister's job. What I was alluding to is that I want you to ask for my hand in marriage right now!"

"Oh Mamie, darling - marry me now! I will gladly join you in holy matrimony, and will try my hardest to raise our talented, poor children the way talented, poor children should be raised!" At his declaration of love, Mamie began to cry.

"That's all I've ever wanted, Carmine!" As they entered a passionate lip lock, Brunhilda and Leonard spun around for the millionth time while pressed tightly against one another. Overcome by the moment, Brunhilda pulled away from him, her eyes wide and mouth covered in pastel feathers.

"I know that we'll live a happy life if we marry, Leonard!"

"Yes! We must follow your sister and this roguish clown she so truly loves by joining in holy matrimony. I know that you will make a very fine un-feathered wife!"

"I suppose we'll have a child... or maybe three..." she said, raising her eyebrows, "or four."

"Ohhh yeah. And when we're done with them, we'll try for more," Leonard said huskily, taking Brunhilda into his arms; his feathers standing on end.

It was then that Father Ravellini looked around the living quarters. Mamie and Carmine were huggling over in the corner, Brunhilda and Leonard were on top of the table, and the geisha was in shut-down mode with her head resting upon her shoulders. He looked up to the ceiling, as if questioning the gods.

"Where's the love?"

--

"Mother! Father!" cried a small, feathered boy with horns.

Upon hearing the boy's voice, Leonard and Brunhilda Feather rolled off of the couch together with a loud thud.

"Ow!" Leonard cried.

"What?" Brunhilda muttered breathlessly, smoothing her short white skirt down.

"I fell on your shield again!"

"Bummer."

Three-year-old Teddy Feather stomped into the room, his metal garb making a loud clangor. "Mom... dad... there are some poor people wearing weird make up on our doorstep."

"MAMIE AND CARMINE!" Brunhilda squealed with glee, running towards the door.

"Brunhilda, my sister! What happened to your hair?!" Mamie questioned, touching her unbraided golden tresses.

"Ask Mister Feather Pants over there - he's the one that-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS."

"Then don't ask! Where's my nephew?"

Upon Brunhilda's question, a small brown-haired boy with black tear marks underneath her eyes came out from behind Mamie.

"Well, hello little Uripedes! Teddy's in the living room if you'd like to see him!" Uripedes's eyes glowed, and he spun into the house much like his father was apt to do.

Brunhilda and Mamie smiled after him, proud of their two charming sons. "Come on in," said Brunhilda, "I've made a wonderful dinner!"

And wonderful it was. Carmine danced and sang a duet with Mamie, while Brunhilda and Leonard made out and the children fought with toy swords.

Now that the Baron Squigliacci was no longer looming in their lives, they could all live happily ever after.

Except for Father Ravellini, who had been trying to get with the geisha for months. But every time they got to second base, her head fell off.

THE END.