It Ain't Easy Bein' Rich
Ashley
Genre: Romance (Lenny & Laverne, to an extent Shirley & Carmine)/Humor
Brief Spoiler: When Lenny inherits millions from a dead relative, he finds that the only way he can inherit it is to be married.
Disclaimer: Okay, mostly everyone knows the way this works-I am in no way affiliated with Paramount, "Laverne & Shirley" nor any of it's cast members. All of these are Paramount TM, etc etc, blah blah blah, and all that jazz. :o) Also, the idea for this story is NOT mine, it is that of a member of the Laverne & Shirley Sitcoms Online (http://www.sitcomsonline.com) board, and I would like to thank them for the idea. I haven't written a fanfic for almost 3 years now, so I cordially ask you to please bear with me and my inadequacies. Enjoy!
SCENE 1: Shotz Brewery, int., day.
(Laverne and Shirley enter the break-room, obviously displeased with each other. They both walk over to their lockers. Simultaneously they open their lockers, shoot each other a dirty look, take out a brown sack, and slam their lockers. They both sit down at a table, giving each other 'the evil eye.' Not much is said for approximately 10 seconds. Finally, Laverne slams her hand down against the table.)
Laverne: Listen Shirl, if I told ya once, I told ya twice-I ain't goin' to Rosie's on Saturday. I just won't do it.
Shirley: Come on Laverne! It's not every day that Elinor Stefanick has twins!
Laverne: Yeah well… you know what happened last time we went to Big Rosie's for a party.
Shirley: (nodding) I sure do. You drowned her fox.
Laverne: She called me a bimbo! What else was I supposed to do?
Shirley: Well what else are we supposed to do Saturday?
Laverne: (flustered) I dunno. (pause) We COULD double date with Rick and Mike.
Shirley: Laverne, I do not care to spend my weekend with men who belch through dinner and feel the need to pinch my hiney while we're walking home! Honestly! Have you ever met anyone more repulsive than those two?
(enter Squiggy and Lenny)
Squiggy: Hello!
Shirley: Forget I asked that.
Lenny and Squiggy: (simultaneously, dancing around) We're in the money! We're in the money!
Shirley: Hold it, hold it… I do believe I've heard this song and dance before.
Laverne: Yeah, yeah. What is it this time, boys?
Lenny: (bursting into tears and exclaiming rather dramatically) I don't wanna talk about it!!!!
Laverne: What's the matter with him?!
Squiggy: It's his great uncle Svegn from Poland. The poor sap's dead. Deceased. Expired.
(the girls mumble things like "Aw, jeez" and "Oh no!", etc)
Laverne: Well gee… I'm sorry Len.
Shirley: Yeah, Lenny, me too. How'd he die?
Lenny: (sniffling) Well… every year at the annual Polish Hog Festival… they hang some one… you know, last year it was the Mayor, and the year before that it was a priest. Well, this year it was the village idiot.
(again, the girls mumble their condolences)
Shirley: But I still don't understand… what does this have to do with the two of you being rich?
Lenny: Well, uncle Svegn was the richest man in all of Warsaw.
Laverne: The village idiot was rich??
Squiggy: Did we say the village pauper?! No Laverne, we said the village idiot. Jeez, pay attention.
Lenny: Yeah well, he had made a lot of smart investments. You know, pork stocks and the Worldwide Licorice Corporation?
Squiggy: And in his will he left Lenny all of his money!
Laverne: Yeah, but how does that make you rich?
Lenny: Well, Squig and I decided it was only fair.
Laverne: Len, Len… you're letting him play ya for a sucker again!
Lenny: But that's ridiculous Laverne, you can't play for suckers. Unless they're cherry…
Shirley: (snatches a paper copy of Svegn's will out of Lenny's hand) Let me see that… (she begins to read out loud) I, Svegn Oedeurhoken Kosnowski-- (startled) Oedeurhoken?!
Laverne: Don't ask Shirl, don't ask.
Squiggy: Yeah, Lenny here says it's Polish for "The fish is in my pants."
(A confused expression immediately spreads across Shirley's face)
Laverne: I toldja not to ask.
Shirley: (heaves a sigh and continues with the will) Anyway… I leave all of my savings in the world-a total of 11.3 million dollars to my nephew, Leonard Niles Kosnowski. (wide-eyed and with her jaw agape, Shirley repeats the figure again) 11.3 million dollars…
Laverne: Your middle name is Niles?!
Shirley: 11.3 million dollars…
(Laverne begins her little 'nasal' laugh)
Lenny: Don't make fun!
Shirley: 11.3 million dollars…
Laverne: (mockingly) Lenny's middle name is Niles…
Shirley: 11.3 million dollars…
Laverne: We heard ya the first three times Shirl!
Squiggy: Yeah, thanks for the news flash, now shut up.
Shirley: Do any of you people realize how much MONEY 11.3 million dollars is?! Lenny, you can't give Squiggy half of this money! It's yours! Yours and by God, you earned it!
Lenny: Actually Shirl, uncle Svegn earned it…
Shirley: (shaking her head, while Laverne takes the paper from her) No no no no no, Len, I mean… you earned it because Svegn gave it to you and…
Laverne: (interrupting) Hey wait a minute, wait a minute. Didn't either of you boys read the clause in here?
Squiggy: Clause? What do you mean, like the fat guy that bounces down the chimney or somethin'?
Laverne: No you halfwit! I mean, a clause… like a condition.
Lenny: Oh I had one of those once… remember in the 10th grade? I caught ringworm.
Shirley: Do you two ever listen to yourselves talk?!
Lenny and Squiggy: No…
Shirley: Good thing, you'd want to shoot yourselves if you did.
Laverne: I hate to break up this little hate-fest right here but Len… you can't inherit the money.
Squiggy: (becoming livid) He can't inherit the money?! He can't inherit the money?! Why can't he inherit the money?!?!
Laverne: It says right here… "In order for Leonard to fall heir to these funds, he must be married."
Squiggy: Good job, gigolo. 'Cause you have to be the Lone Wolf, we can't get this money!
Shirley: Hold on, hold on! Vernie, read the next line.
Laverne: (continues reading) "In the event that he is not espoused upon the date of my death, he has two weeks to do so."
Lenny: You mean, I got two weeks to find a dame who'll marry me?
Shirley: That's the way it looks.
Squiggy: C'mon Len. Let's start the hunt!
SCENE 2: Laverne & Shirley's apartment, int., night.
(Shirley enters the apartment, saying goodbye to her date for the evening; Laverne is sitting on the couch flipping through True Confessions)
Shirley: Well Shaun, it's been quite an evening. Good night. (she closes the door in his face)
Laverne: Shirl… ya just slammed the door in the guy's face...
Shirley: Novel observation Laverne!
Laverne: But… you didn't even give him a "goodnight" kiss or nothin'!
(suddenly the door opens)
Shaun: Hey Shirley, one more time… please, just one more time.
Shirley: I don't think so, Shaun.
Shaun: 17! Come on, your roommate might even find it amusing!
Shirley: Laverne finds adolescent games like 'spin the bottle' amusing.
Shaun: 51!
Laverne: (getting up off of the couch and grabbing Shirley by the arm, asking discreetly) Shirl… what the heck is this loon doin'?!
Shirley: Shaun here can tell you immediately how many letters are in the sentence you have just said. (they both look at Shaun)
Shaun: (smiling profoundly) 75! (Laverne giggles)
Shaun: See, Shirl? I told you she'd think it was humorous!
Shirley: Yes… yes. Well, Shaun, it's been a pleasant evening, but… so long.
Shaun: That's two sentences… 6 and 41. Shirley: STOP!
Shaun: 4!!!! Well… goodnight Shirley. (he begins to leave)
Laverne: (calls after Shaun) Hey Shaun!
Shaun: 8! (realizes his mistake and smiles) I mean… yes Laverne?
Laverne: On a scale of one to one hundred, how was Shirley?
Shaun: 38. (Laverne laughs, Shirley's jaw drops, and Shaun leaves)
Shirley: Never again do I allow myself to go out with that man!
Laverne: Well… at least he can count.
Shirley: I don't care if the man was a mathematical genius, there are some people on this earth who are cursed with being irritating little worms!
(enter Squiggy)
Squiggy: Hello!
Laverne: And here's the epitome.
Shirley: Squiggy, where's Lenny?
Squiggy: The poor jerk's upstairs cryin' his teeth out.
Laverne: What?
Shirley: Whatever for?
Squiggy: He's asked 110 women tonight if they would marry him. 110. And they all answered with either a smack, a kick, a yelp, or the happy finger.
Shirley: Oh, no! The poor guy. Laverne… maybe you should go upstairs and talk to him.
Laverne: Me?!
Shirley: Yes, you! You two are always giving each other little bits of advice… little tools of wisdom. He'll listen to you!
Squiggy: (putting his arm around Shirley) Ya know, this dame has a point.
Shirley: (annoyed, she grabs his hair worm and his face looks pained) Would you be so kind as to remove your disgusting little arm from my shoulder before I cut it off and force-feed it to you?
Squiggy: (removing his arm) Alright, okay, jeez! Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the Cracker Jacks box this morning.
Shirley: Laverne, please? He needs some words of intelligence right now and (points to Squiggy) this man cannot deliver them to him.
Laverne: Alright, I'll go.
Shirley: Good!
Laverne: But I won't like it.
(she exits the apartment)
SCENE 3: Lenny & Squiggy's apartment, int., night.
(Lenny sits at a table, sulking, mumbling incoherently to himself when there's a knock on the door)
Lenny: I'm not home.
Laverne: C'mon Lenny, it's Laverne! Open the door!
Lenny: No.
Laverne: (frustrated) Len!
Lenny: What do you want in for Laverne? I mean… who wants to sit around with a pathetic loser like me?
Laverne: Len, you're not a (begins to stutter) pa-- pa-- (giving up) aw c'mon Len, let me in!
Lenny: It ain't locked, Laverne.
(the doorknob twists and Laverne enters)
Laverne: Well why didn't ya tell me that in the first place?
Lenny: When you're melancholy, you tend to forget things.
(awkward silence)
Laverne: Aw, you put Jeffrey on the shelf on the wall.
Lenny: Yeah. He likes the altitude.
Laverne: Listen, I heard about your problem. (she sits down at the table with him)
Lenny: Which one? My black knee or my blue jaw?
Laverne: It's not such a big deal Len. It's only money.
Lenny: Laverne, I don't think you understand.
Laverne: Sure I do! The same thing happened when your uncle Lazlo died!
Lenny: No, this isn't the same thing. Ya see… 11.3 million dollars is a lot of money. Enough money to make something of myself--to be somebody!
Laverne: But you're already somebody!
Lenny: No I'm not! I'm a truck driver for a brewery. I can't get anywhere else in life 'cause I ain't smart like you and Shirley and Squiggy. (Laverne shoots him an odd look) So if I can't use my smarts… the only thing I have left is good looks and money and the first one proved tonight that it doesn't even work.
Laverne: Listen to yourself, Len! I've never heard you talk this way before. Besides… why would you want to spend the rest of your life married to some girl you don't even love on accounta this money deal?
Lenny: I thought about that. And then it hit me like a bowling ball. Ya see Laverne, the one girl that I love-I mean… really love… she ain't never gonna love me back. So what's the use?
Laverne: How do you know she's not ever gonna love you back, huh?!
Lenny: (stands) Because I know this girl Laverne, and she wouldn't even give me a second look. I mean, sure, she likes being friends and all but… that's all we're ever gonna be. Friends.
Laverne: (stands) But how can ya be so sure about it?! Have you even asked her?!
Lenny: And get rejected again? Uh-uh. Nothin' doin'.
Laverne: It can't hurt to try!
Lenny: Yes it can!
Laverne: No it can't!
Lenny: You know, you're really askin' for it…
Laverne: Oh, c'mon, what are you gonna do? Hit me?
Lenny: No, I'm gonna ask ya to marry me!
Laverne: Go ahead, I'm wait… (she pauses) M--marry you? (he nods) You mean…? (he nods) Oh brother. (she flops down into the chair)
Lenny: There, are you satisfied?
Laverne: I'm stunned. You mean to tell me you love me?
Lenny: No, I hate you. That's why I just made a proposal of marriage to ya.
Laverne: I--I don't know what to say.
Lenny: A simple "no" will surface (meaning to say suffice).
(Laverne takes a look at Lenny whose head is tilted downward. She's pretty sure she can see tears forming in his eyes. Her mouth twists to one side for a moment, and finally she takes a deep breath.)
Laverne: Alright.
Lenny: (quickly jerking his head up) Huh?
Laverne: Let's do it. Let's get married. (All the while she's thinking to herself… "What am I saying?!")
Lenny: You mean you wanna…
Laverne: On ONE condition.
Lenny: What's that?
Laverne: You give enough money to Carmine to start his own dance studio. Because if Carmine has extra money, that'll make Shirl happy. And whenever he finds out Shirl's happy… maybe he'll pop the question.
Lenny: It's a done deal! Anything else?
Laverne: Like what?
Lenny: Like "this is only a business deal"… "we'll never have kids"… "don't ever touch me"…
Laverne: We'll uh… we'll work that out later. I gotta go back to the apartment and tell Shirl the news. (she stands up and heads toward the door)
Lenny: Laverne!
Laverne: (turns toward him) Yeah?
Lenny: This means a lot to me. Thanks.
Laverne: (smiles) You're welcome.
(She leaves the apartment with one thought running through her mind… "What have I gotten myself into?")
SCENE 4: Laverne & Shirley's apartment, int., night.
(Squiggy and Shirley are watching Heckle & Jeckle together, laughing hysterically when Laverne enters the apartment in a reverie)
Shirley: Laverne, you're back! Is everything alright?
Laverne: I don't know. Squig, can you leave me and Shirl alone now? I have to talk to her about somethin'.
Squiggy: And miss the end?! That's the only reason they have a beginning and a middle!
Shirley: Out!
Squiggy: Fine, fine. Geez, don't get your pantyhose in a wad. (he exits)
Shirley: What's the matter with you? You look like a shell-shocked soldier.
Laverne: (grabbing milk and Pepsi out of the fridge and mixing them in a glass) I think I just agreed to about the stupidest thing I've ever agreed to, which means it must be the stupidest agreement ever.
Shirley: What do you mean? Is Lenny alright?
Laverne: Lenny's fine. Wonderful. A millionaire.
Shirley: And…?
Laverne: Meet the millionaire's future wife. (she begins guzzling down the milk and Pepsi)
Shirley: (gone ballistic) YOU'RE GONNA MARRY LENNY?!?! LAVERNE, ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! I MEAN, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!?!
Laverne: (nods) I think so. Either way I sure got the evidence to prove it.
Shirley: What brought this on?! Laverne-- Lenny Kosnowski! A man we've kicked out of our apartment more times than I've sent Carmine to take a cold shower!
Laverne: Shirl, you didn't see him up there…. crying and… talking about how he hated not to get married for love but the only girl he loved didn't love him back and THEN…
Shirley: Didn't love him back? Well. what heartless little tramp would do a thing like that?!
Laverne: (glares at Shirley) Don't call me that.
Shirley: I-- didn't mean TRAMP! No… I meant…
Laverne: I know, I know. He needs this money Shirl. And besides, I think he wants to look at it as more of a "business arrangement" than a "marriage." No kids… no vo-dee-oh-do just… friendship.
Shirley: But that's not why someone gets married Laverne. You get married to honor, love and obey-'til death do you part! That means until the end of time! Throughout eternity! Without end! Infinitely!
Laverne: You've given me this speech once Shirl, I don't need it again.
Shirley: Yes you do! You're both getting married for the wrong reason!
Laverne: Well when it was some other person you didn't seem all that against it!
Shirley: But this is different!
Laverne: How?
Shirley: It's you!
Laverne: That's the whole thing Shirl. It's me. Don't you remember when I thought I was pregnant? How he proposed to me? He was a friend trying to help a friend who needed him. And now he needs me. I can't let him down.
Shirley: (gives her a crushing hug) Laverne, you're breaking my heart.
Laverne: Shirl, you're breakin' my ribcage.
Shirley: (pulls away) Sorry.
Laverne: Now there's only one problem.
Shirley: What's that?
Laverne: How do I tell this to my Pop?
SCENE 5: Mr. DeFazio's apartment, int., night.
(Laverne, Shirley, Carmine, Lenny and Squiggy are all present, along with Frank and Edna. Frank is yelling at the present moment)
Frank: Marry Laverne?! Marry Laverne?! You want to marry my Muffin?!
Edna: Come on Frank, they explained it to you! It's only a temporary settlement.
Frank: Do you want Lenny Kosnowski as your son in law?
Edna: (pauses) On second thought… Lenny, it's not so bad being poor…
Laverne: Pop, Pop please! I only promised to marry him if he would give enough money to Carmine to have his own dance studio!
Lenny: It's a perfectly innocent arrangement, Mr. DeFazio.
Squiggy: C'mon big guy! So your little girl's gonna roll around in the hay with Len a couple of times-- it happens! (Shirley nudges him in the stomach)
Carmine: Is that all you ever think about?
Squiggy: Yeah! Ain't it the same with you?
Carmine: Yeah, I was just makin' sure I wasn't the only one.
Shirley: (glaring at Squiggy) You imbecile! Laverne and Lenny aren't getting married for the smut! They're getting married so Lenny can receive his inheritance.
Lenny: Please, Mr. DeFazio. I'll treat her good, I'll treat her real good.
Laverne: Yeah, and once we've been married in name long enough to satisfy the attorneys, we'll get a quickie divorce in Reno and everything will be just like it was before!
Edna: You know-- I think it's really nice that you've decided to do this Laverne but, from a woman who's been married 6 times, I don't think you understand what you're getting yourself into.
Shirley: See, I TOLD you! Without ceasing-everlastingly-permanently…
Laverne: Would you stop Shirl?! What are you talkin' about Edna?
Edna: I mean-- once a woman hears those little words she can't help but start to believe them.
Carmine: Hey, hey! That's a sexist thing to say…
Edna: And there's no man who can resist them either, Carmine.
Carmine: (looks at Shirley and smiles) Thank you.
Laverne: Look Edna, it's me and Lenny. If we start to feel any emotion… we'll remember the day in 4th grade when I kicked him in the shins, okay?
Edna: Well, okay.
Laverne: (aside to Lenny) You'll be okay won't you?
Lenny: Laverne, I will have a heart of mashed potatoes. I mean-- stone.
Laverne: (to Frank) So please Pop, please?
Frank: (grumbles) Alright, fine. (everyone cheers ecstatically, and then he looks at Lenny) But you lay one hand on my daughter and I'll smack ya one, ya got me?
Lenny: Yes sir! (to Laverne) Is that what they call "putting the fear of God" in someone?
SCENE 6: A week later atSt. Michael's Holy Catholic Church in the Bridal Dressing Room; int.; day
(Everyone is hustling and bustling about in an effort to prepare for Lenny and Laverne's "big day". Lenny's still having trouble memorizing his vows, Laverne's about to go crazy because she can't believe she's marrying Lenny Kosnowski, Frank's about to go crazy because Laverne's MARRYING Lenny Kosnowski, Edna's trying to keep everyone calm and level-headed, Shirley's frantically helping Laverne into her wedding dress, Squiggy's flirting with one of the florists, and Carmine's thinking to himself that someday-he might be the one in the groom's tuxedo.)
Shirley: (attempting to button the back of Laverne's dress) You know, for this to be a temporary arrangement, you two have certainly gone all out on this haven't you? I mean, a professional wedding planner-an entire orchestra… this church is absolutely beautiful. And this gown… (she attempts to choke back a few tears, but her voice cracks a little anyway) oh Laverne. I can't believe it. You look so…
Laverne: Fat? I hope I'm not starting to show…
Shirley: (confused) Show?
Laverne: Yeah… aren't you supposed to show after 3 months?
Shirley: (in a state that reminds you of someone near a heart attack) LAVERNE… YOU'RE NOT…
Laverne: (laughs) Of course I'm not! I was just tryin' to make you laugh! (she sees Shirley's angry expression) Haha… funny?
Shirley: Don't ever do that to me again.
Laverne: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous.
Shirley: It's your wedding day! You have every right to be! Listen, I'm gonna go see if the cake is here, alright?
Laverne: Alright.
(Shirley exits, and Laverne fiddles with the veil. Enter Frank.)
Frank: Muffin?
Laverne: Oh, hiya Pop.
Frank: How are you feelin'?
Laverne: Like throwin' up… how are you feeling?
Frank: About the same. Look at you. You look beautiful.
Laverne: Thanks Pop. (she's trying not to spazz out from all of this nervousness going on inside of her)
Frank: You wanna know why you look beautiful?
Laverne: (putting on a pair of earrings) Why?
Frank: Because you look like your mother.
Laverne: Aw, gee Pop…
Frank: She'd be very proud of you today.
Laverne: Well to tell ya the truth, I don't feel very proud of myself.
Frank: You wanna know why?
Laverne: Why?
Frank: Because you're marrying Lenny. And because you don't love him.
Laverne: That's… about it.
Frank: But you're doing the right thing because you're helping a friend. That's why she'd be proud of you. And that's why I'm proud of you right now.
Laverne: You are?
Frank: Of course I am! Why else would I have paid money for this monkey suit?
Laverne: (with tears in her eyes) Oh Pop! (they collide into a big hug, and he takes the handkerchief from his pocket and dries her tears)
Frank: I love ya, Laverne.
Laverne: Oh, I love you too Pop.
Frank: You finish getting ready, and I'll be waiting for you out there.
Laverne: Okay. Thanks Pop.
(Frank exits and Laverne puts on a fresh coat of lipstick; there's a knock on the door)
Laverne: Who is it?
"MYSTERIOUS VOICE": Aaaaaaaaayyyyyy!
Laverne: (confused look on her face) Fonz? (she rushes to the door and opens it to see Fonzie, Richie and Potsie all standing together smiling) Richie! Potsie! Oh boy am I glad to see the three of you!
Richie: Hi Laverne.
Potsie: Hey, how's it goin' Laverne?
Fonzie: Love the sequined L on the dress there Vernie-- that's real class.
Laverne: (looking down at her dress and touching the sequined L) Ya think so?
Richie: It's very--uh, it's very you!
Fonzie: We just wanted to come by here and wish you all the luck in the world. It's not often one Laverne DeFazio gets married. I mean, it seems like just yesterday you, me, Rich and Shirl were pretending we were gonna be married ourselves.
Laverne: That's real nice of all of ya… and I really appreciate you comin'!
Fonzie: Anytime!
Richie: Bye, Laverne!
Potsie: Yeah, see ya Laverne!
(they all exit and Laverne stands there, breathing in and out and pushing down creases in her dress)
Laverne: (to herself) Everything's gonna be fine. Just fine. So ya don't love him… he doesn't care. It's only your first wedding… oh God, it's not gonna be fine.
SCENE 7: St. Michael's Holy Catholic Church in the sanctuary; int.; 12 noon
(The church is filled to the brim with family members from everywhere-- from Poland to New York. Everyone is there… from the Fonz to Big Rosie Greenbaum-minus Ogden. The place is filled with flowers and candles and an orchestra-- it's really one whiz bang of a blow out. The procession begins with Carmine singing his rendition of "If I Loved You" from Carousel. Edna is seated as "step-mother of the bride". The bridesmaids include Terry Buttafucco, Ann Marie Polanski and a very pregnant Elinor Stefanick. The ushers include Icky Hector Kestenbaum, Shirley's little friend Shaun, and a friend of Lenny's named Bob Hankins. Then comes Squiggy as best man, and Shirley as the maid of honor. Lenny takes his place and suddenly, the wedding procession begins. The music fills the air gorgeously and here comes the bride! ::looks around and sees no Laverne:: Wait… no… let's start again on that. The music fills the air gorgeously and HERE COMES THE BRIDE! ::looks for Laverne but-WELL WHERE IS SHE?! From the back of the room, Mr. DeFazio gives an incredibly confused look.)
Lenny: (to the priest) Hold on just a minute… I gotta go find out what's keepin' the bride. (to Shirley) Shirl, stall. I don't care if you have to barricade the doors… I've gotta find her. (he disappears)
Shirley: (laughs nervously and turns to the audience) Well, well, well! It seems we're having a little… technical difficulty! The bride uh… the bride was… well, you see, it's like this. Marriage is a union of bliss and gaiety…(the entire audience moans because they know they're about to hear the longest speech on marriage ever)
SCENE 8: St. Michael's Holy Catholic Church in the Bridal Dressing Room; int.; 12:26
(Laverne sits on the couch in her wedding dress, bawling with a tissue up to her face. She can hear Lenny's voice echoing throughout the halls)
Lenny: Laverne! Laverne! Lav-(he pokes his head in the door) here you are! You're cryin'… why are you cryin'?
Laverne: (sniffles) I'm not crying.
Lenny: Okay, so your eyes are drippin'. (he sits down beside her on the couch, and it only takes him a moment to realize what's wrong with her) You don't want to get married, do you?
Laverne: (her eyes turn toward to him with a pleading look) I tried Len, really I did! I mean-- I wanted to help you and all but I just can't! It's not fair to either of us. I mean, I'm not in love with you… that just wouldn't be right. I can't do it Len. I'm sorry, I can't.
Lenny: (he picks up a tissue and dries her eyes) Hey, look, it's okay.
Laverne: No it's not okay.
Lenny: Look Laverne, it's only 11.3 million dollars. (he suddenly looks off) 11.3 million dollars… ya know, I could sell everything I have in the world and I still wouldn't have 11.3 million dollars. (she squeals as she begins to cry again) No, now don't start blubberin' all over the place! Ya might get your shoes wet. Look Laverne, you tried. And that's all that matters. I know you tried. And it means more to me than anything in the world. So don't go worryin' about it. I mean-- marriage is a pretty big step. And you don't want to spend it with a bum like me. I can't blame you. We're making a mockery out of marriage and nobody should do that-- not even to become a millionaire. I… (he notices her staring at him… almost in awe) What's the matter? You got somethin' in your eye?
Laverne: No I just-- Len… have you ever thought about us over the years? I mean… when I thought I was pregnant and when you had that crush on me and ya wrote that goofy song and all that stuff… I never realized why it all happened but now, it's all comin' together.
Lenny: You didn't eat any funny brownies before you came to this wedding didja?
Laverne: Don't you understand?! I've had a good thing under my nose all this time and been too dumb to realize it. (aside) All this time… I've been in love with you. Or… somethin' close to it.
Lenny: (brief pause and then he erupts into laughter) Get outta here! (Laverne begins laughing with him hysterically for about 30 seconds and then lapses into conversation)
Laverne: I know, I know! It sounds nuts but it's true!
Lenny: (immediately stops laughing) But it ain't supposed to be like this… I like you, you don't like me, end of story.
Laverne: (confused, she stands up) Well, jeez, what are you tellin' me?! Now that I've realized it I'm supposed to just forget it about it?!
Lenny: Look… Laverne… maybe-- maybe it's all because you got caught up in this wedding stuff. I mean, white dresses tend to have that effect on people. I should know.
Laverne: How should you know?
Lenny: Well Squiggy wears 'em around the apartment all the time.
Laverne: (she smiles and begins to say something, but stops herself) Nahhhh. Well, I guess there's only one way to find out.
Lenny: How's that?
Laverne: Well, you gotta put your hands right here (she takes his hands and places them around her waist), and then… you gotta lean in like this(she leans into him)… and then you kiss me.
(Laverne and Lenny go into a deep, long, passionate kiss for almost an entire minute. Finally they pull away. There is a drawn-out silence, with them both staring at the ground. Finally Lenny speaks.)
Lenny: Well…?
Laverne: (all in one breath) Let's try it again! (Again, they kiss passionately for another minute and they pull away; Laverne says breathlessly) It's… love!
Lenny: (nodding) Oh, yeah.
Laverne: Len?
Lenny: Hmm?
Laverne: (tilting her head to the side and grinning) Marry me?
Lenny: You bet! (he picks her up in his arms, twirls her in the air and they kiss once more-lot of that goin' around, isn't there?) You know, when that minister says all those things about love, honor and o…(suddenly, they realize that it's now 1:14 and the minister has been waiting for over an hour)
L&L TOGETHER: THE MINISTER!!!!
Laverne: Is everything okay?! Is my veil on straight? Do I look alright?
Lenny: (smiling) You look beautiful.
Laverne: (smiling back) Come on, we'd better go out there-- assuming everyone hasn't already LEFT…
(Hand in hand, they go for the door, and Len twists the knob. But there's one problem. The door won't open. He jiggles the lock.)
Laverne: What's the matter, Len?
Lenny: The door. It's stuck!
Laverne: Whaddya MEAN it's stuck?! (she begins jiggling the lock) Fine time to get stuck ya stupid door! (she kicks it)
Lenny: Don't do that, ya might break a heel or somethin'. Looks like we're stuck here…
Laverne: And ya know what? There's no one I'd rather be stuck with.
SCENE 9: St. Michael's Holy Catholic Church; int.; 1:38
(Shirley, Carmine, Squiggy, Frank and Edna along with Richie, Potsie and the Fonz are combing the halls of the church, looking for the bride and groom… all of them screaming "LAVERNE!" and "LENNY!" at the tops of their lungs. )
Shirley: Laverne, if you're hiding this is no time to play jokes on us! It's not funny anymore! Come out!
Carmine: Hey, hey! Wait a minute, I heard somethin'… (everyone pauses)
Edna: It sounds like a bunch of heavy breathing…
Fonzie: Hey I know that breathing! It's Beth Anderson, the hotel clerk at Pfister's! Nah wait… it's Laverne's.
Frank: But where's it comin' from?
Squiggy: I think he went (points toward bridal dressing room) that-a-way!
Richie: Who?
Squiggy: The heavy breather.
Shirley: The heavy breather is Laverne, you fool!
Carmine: Squiggy's right though, the noise is coming from that room. (following Carmine's lead, they approach the door, and Carmine begins turning the knob-which won't turn) Hey, this thing is stuck! (he begins tugging again) Hey Fonz, help me out will ya? (Fonzie begins tryin to open it… and suddenly a whole chain of pulling people has formed, from Carmine to Fonzie to Richie to Potsie to Frank to Edna to Shirley to Squiggy… and finally- they get the door open! As the door opens, it reveals Laverne and Lenny laying on the floor-- hey, hey, none of that! They were trying to open the door too and when the others opened it, they fell backwards! Jeez, you guys… get your minds out of the gutter.)
Frank: Hey! I thought you two weren't gonna touch!
Laverne: (standing up and helping Lenny up) We were tryin' to open the door, Pop.
Shirley: (smugly) On the floor?
Potsie: I'd like to open a door with her sometime…
Richie: Yeah, she's real good at preventing shock too.
Fonzie: And taking temperatures! (he laughs, and Richie laughs with him-reminiscing of the shotgun wedding ordeal)
Lenny: Okay okay, fellas, enough about… (he looks at Laverne and smiles) my future wife.
Squiggy: (to Lenny) Yeah, too bad for you, you ain't gonna get none of that!
Frank: Business arrangements tend to work like that.
Laverne: (shifting her eyes around nervously) Uh, Pop… we gotta have a talk about that. (she puts her arm around him)
Frank: You mean I rented this tuxedo for nothin'? I even got a little flower.
Laverne: No, no Pop that ain't it. You remember when I told you that when I get married, it's gonna be for keeps and for love and nothin' else? (he nods) Well, I am. I really am.
Frank: Okay. After you divorce Lenny, you marry for keeps and love and all that stuff, you give me 8 or 9 grandchildren, and we'll throw you a party. Sound good Muffin? (Laverne shakes her head, trying to get her point through to him)
Edna: Laverne it-- it almost sounds like you're in love with Lenny. (she laughs abruptly, and everyone else looks at each other like that is about the most preposterous thought they've ever heard, and they all erupt into laughter; then they notice Laverne and Lenny aren't laughing and they stop abruptly, almost as if on cue) Ohhhh boy…
Shirley: (with a big, fake grin sprawled across her face) Laverne, darling, I know you're joking! (Laverne instantly grabs Shirley's hand and places it on her arm so that she can feel the goosebumps that have risen) You're not joking…
Frank: But he ain't Italian!
Laverne: I know he ain't, but… well, I've done a lot of thinking about this and I love him. I love him a lot and I know you're all thinking I'm crazy- -and maybe I am. But it's only because I'm in love with the greatest man in all the free world.
Frank: Okay. (he approaches Lenny) Three questions. Number one… will you hit her?
Lenny: No…
Frank: Will you provide for her?
Lenny: Yes sir!
Frank: Will you provide for me? GRANDCHILDREN! I NEED GRANDCHILDREN! (he whispers something in Frank's ear and a huge smile spreads across his face) Lenny, you have my blessings! Everybody out, we gotta get this show on the road! (everyone exits ahead of him, Shirley stops by Laverne to say, "Good luck, Laverne" and leaves; Frank puts his hands on both sides of her smiling face.) I'm so proud of you Muffin. (he leaves and Laverne and Lenny are not far behind him)
Laverne: Hey Len… what did you tell my Pop when he asked about grandchildren?
Lenny: I told him we'd try.
Laverne: TRY?! LEN, THE MAN WANTS 9 GRANDCHILDREN! I DON'T WANT 9 KIDS! I DON'T THINK MY BODY CAN HANDLE IT!!!!
Lenny: Laverne, you're forgetting the key word in this. TRY. Which means…
Laverne: (with that smutty, glazed over look in her eye she so often gets) Fun for you and me. (giggles) You know, you're a pretty smart cookie Len. Even if ya did fall off the roof those couple of times…
(they leave)
SCENE 10: St. Michael's Holy Catholic Church; int.; 1:53 (Only an hour and 53 minutes after the original ceremony was supposed to begin... hmm...)
(Everyone has reassumed their original places, with the exception of Shirley. She's decided to give Laverne a few last minute words.)
Shirley: Gee… how exciting is this, huh? I mean, we used to dream about this day all the time and-- now you're really getting married. You're going off into a brand new world of love and adventure and matrimonial bliss… (she becomes choked with tears) and you're leaving me behind! (squealing through tears) Name your first daughter after me!
Laverne: Shirl, Shirl, it's just a wedding!
Shirley: It's not just a wedding Laverne. I mean… you're marrying Lenny and we won't be living together anymore.
Laverne: (pauses to think) You can come live with me and Lenny.
Shirley: (shaking her head) I don't think Lenny would like that. It's just… well, we've been together almost every day of our lives since we were 8 years old.
Laverne: Aw, Shirl, don't say that… you're gonna make me cry.
Shirley: You better cry! I've been crying for the past week!
(They both collapse into a very tear-filled hug)
Edna: Girls, I know this is a very tender moment for you two but you're still gonna see each other at work!
(They both mutter phrases like "Oh yeah"… "I forgot"… etc)
Shirley: Well, this is it, huh? (Laverne nods)
Laverne: I'm gonna miss you, Shirl! (they hug once more before Edna is forced to push Shirley out into the aisle to take her place)
Edna: (to Frank who is mumbling in the corner) Frank, Frank it's time!
Frank: Oh! It's time!
(He links his arm with Laverne's and gives her a smile; she returns it and as the wedding procession plays, escorts her down the aisle. They pass a multitude of guests… and of course, whenever Laverne gets to Big Rosie Greenbaum, the traditional "DeFazio." "Greenbaum." greeting is exchanged. Ha, humor in the middle of a wedding. I love it. Anyhoo, they finally reach the pulpit, and the priest begins.)
Minister: Who gives this woman away?
Frank: Well… at first… I didn't want to. But now that I know I'm getting something out of it, I figure, what the heck! (feeling the odd stares from everyone) Oh, I do… (he kisses Laverne on the cheek, pats Lenny on the shoulder, sits down beside Edna and Laverne and Lenny fervently grasp hands)
Minister: If anyone knows any reason why this couple should not be united in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace. (the entire congregation raises their hands) Oh dear…
Laverne: (turns to face the crowd) Would you all just knock it off?! Jeez… go ahead.
Minister: And now for the rings. (no one moves) And NOW for the rings…
Lenny: (whispering) Squig, where are the rings?
Squiggy: (fumbling around in his pockets) Uh, I think I left them in my other pants.
Laverne and Lenny: WHAT?!
Squiggy: Just kidding! Ah, I love wedding humor. (he pulls out two gold bands) Here ya go.
Minister: And now, if you'll place the ring on the bride's finger. (Lenny slips the band around Laverne's ring finger) Do you, Leonard Niles Kosnowski, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, 'til death do you part?
Lenny: I do. (they both smile)
Minister: And if you will, place the ring on the groom's finger. (Laverne slips the band around Lenny's finger) Do you, Laverne Marie DeFazio, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, 'til death do you part?
Laverne: I do.
Minister: By the power vested in my by the state of Wisconsin, I know pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Dum da dum dum dum dum dum, the wedding march plays, Laverne and Lenny maul each other, the crowd roars with applause and then… a strange man in a black suit enters and taps Lenny on the shoulder)
Lenny: Look bub, can't ya see I'm busy here?
Man: Are you Leonard Kosnowski?
Lenny: That's what my underwear says…
Man: I'm Sam Davis, executor of Svegn Kosnowski's will.
Squiggy: (sarcastically) Ooh, a big shot exec-a-tive! Well pin a rose on your toes!
Shirley: (hitting him over the head with her bouquet) No, no, you idiot, not an executive! An executor!
Laverne: (to Sam) What's the matter here, Mr. Davis?
Sam: I've brought your inheritance check.
(everyone cheers, and Lenny takes the check)
Lenny: Thanks Mr. Davis, I was… (he does a double-take on the check) Wait a minute… this was supposed to be 11 million dollars…
Laverne: Yeah, ain't you missin' about four zeros on the end there?
Sam: Well, after funeral costs and tax deductions, this is all that was left. You have to admit Mr. Kosnowski, 1100 dollars is still a nice sum of money!
(just then, the wedding planner approaches)
Wedding Planner: And that'll be just enough to cover the cost of the wedding, thank you Mr. Kosnowski! (she snatches it from him and the orchestra begins to disassemble, Lenny is shocked beyond belief… so shocked in fact that while Shirley dismisses everyone to the reception, he makes himself comfortable in a pew and buries his head in his hands, Laverne goes over to him and rubs his shoulders-knowing that his heart is breaking)
Lenny: I just can't believe it. I can't believe it.
Laverne: C'mon Len, it' ain't that bad.
Lenny: But after all we've gone through Laverne! And now I'm broke! How am I ever gonna pay Carmine enough for that dance studio? (suddenly, a thought occurs to him) I guess this breaks our deal, huh?
Laverne: (puts her arms around him) Len, Len, that doesn't matter anymore. We have a new deal we have to live up to.
Lenny: What?
Laverne: Us!
Lenny: You mean, you still want to…?
Laverne: Len, if I didn't, I woulda been out of here way before now. I told you I loved you, can't ya get it through your head?!
Lenny: (takes her hand in his) So it's me and you now, huh? (Laverne nods with a grin and he kisses her hand-the scene fades out-and 12 months later, little Shirley's born. :o) )
THE END